Post # 1
My husband and I eloped when we got married three years ago. I have mentioned that our wedding was a sad elopement where several things went wrong. I was also shunned by my parents and siblings for a year because we eloped. My mother was being very rude and controlling. I eloped mostly to get away from her; calmly discussing my POV and wishes for my wedding did not work.
We are planning to renew our vows for our fifth anniversary, with my family and friends present. I am hesitant about the vow renewal because it would be putting myself in a position to be criticized and gossiped about by mother. I don’t want her negativity and snide remarks to spoil the occasion. My mom thinks that small gatherings are not enjoyable and she likes to make me look bad to her side of my extended family.
I have never had an important milestone go well for me since I have been an adult. My prom was ruined by a vice principal who did not like me. My proposal was awful, my engagement was marred by my mother’s overbearing and nasty comments and our wedding was bad because of the few people who were there. My wedding night was spent alone crying because my new husband was passed out drunk in his own vomit. If special events have not gone well for me before, why should a family vow renewal be any different?
I don’t want to end up spending $5,000+ and then have to endure my mother’s bad attitude the whole night. I feel sad that my mother didn’t get to see me in a wedding dress, but that was her fault for being a cruel bitch. What kind of mom tells her only daughter that she is too fat to look good in a wedding dress? She refused to come dress shopping with me because I wouldn’t let her pick my dress. She tried to choose every detail of my wedding and when I told my mother that I wanted a small wedding, she sneered “You want to get married like people who don’t have their immigration papers.” My mother finally apologized for her behavior this year and I’m glad my elopement taught her a lesson.
I think it was terrible of my family to shun me for a year because I eloped. It showed that they only love me if I do what they want. I can understand them being hurt but shunning a family member for eloping is all kinds of wrong. My husband was very angry at my parents for a long time after they shunned me. They never acknowledge our anniversary either. Why should I have a party for people like that?
My husband and I are both black sheeps; our mothers do not love us very much because we are not their golden children. We keep to ourselves most of the time and I am starting to think that our vow renewal should be the same. On the other hand, I don’t want to regret not renewing vows in front of my family, no matter how dysfunctional they are. Arrrrrgh! I can’t make up my mind.
What do you think Bees? I am not looking for negative opinions about my husband or vow renewals in general. Just want to know what you feel would be the best choice.
Post # 3
This one sounds pretty simple to me. Just do an intimate thing with the two of you. 90% of the post is in support of that idea.
ETA: and maybe keep hubby away from the alcohol this time? O.O
Post # 4
Yeah…my husband just partied too hard that night. I was drunk too but not passed out or throwing up. I forgave my husband for what he did, but it still made me very sad.
I agree with what you are saying. I wonder what other Bees think.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Your family sounds fairly awful. Good for you if you want to forgive them etc, but I sure wouldn’t throw a big party for them…
Post # 6
@TakeTwo: Do you have dear friends? Church members? I would have something beautiful and small, maybe at a winery or a bed and breakfast, and invite them only.
Post # 7
@TakeTwo: I would not even associate myself with them at all after they shunned me. And also, if they felt that way about the elopement …. no offense but I don’t think they would want to come to your vow renewal.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I don’t see any upsides to having any big event from what you wrote.
Post # 9
I would just take a kick-ass vacation with the hubs and have a small gathering with friends!
Post # 10
A vow renewal should be a time of joy for you. I don’t even see the point of inviting unsupportive family members if they have been so horrible in the past. I agree with a PP — if you have dear friends, then invite them!
Post # 11
@TakeTwo: I would renew only with friends. I’d only include the family if they sincerely aplogize for what they have done to you and show a strong sign that they won’t be negative any more. Letting it go and forgiving is very different and I believe a true forgiveness requires actions from both side. I think it’s great of you letting the negativity go, but I wouldn’t make another chance to bring a new one. Make it happy – with people you love and people love you!
Post # 12
No offence taken. My mother would love for me to have a vow renewal and the rest of my family would attend. I just don’t want the negativity.
The only reason I associate with my family is my nieces. They will keep my nieces away from me if I do not have contact with my mother. Even my niece’s MOTHER got into the fray by not allowing me to see the children at her house. I think my mother told her to do that and my niece’s mother is desperate for a mother figure, so she loves to involve herself in stuff that is none of her business and follow my mother’s opinions.
So called friends ruined our wedding by being late and gossiping about me. I don’t want the same thing to happen again, so it would be just my husband and I.
Post # 13
@TakeTwo: (((((((((hugs))))))))) I’m so sorry that your family is like they are. Remember, we can’t control other people, we can only control how we react to them. If you are sure that your family is going to ruin your renewal, then don’t invite them. I know that it is a tough choice, but it sounds like you are setting yourself up for failure if you let them come. Can you have a family meeting about this? Sit people down and be direct about what your expectations are? Do you think having the event will make them more supportive of your marriage, maybe heal some hurt feelings? If you feel like it is not worth the drama, maybe you and your hubby could have a DW and just invite a few close friends. You could still buy a kick ass dress and have a beautiful ceremony and reception.
Post # 14
It wouldn’t be my whole family that I am worried about…only my mom. I know she would gossip about my renewal to the extended family and probably make rude remarks. My mother barely hides her contempt for me.
I can’t see having a family meeting about this. My father would walk out of the room because that is what he does if someone is talking about an uncomfortable subject. My mom would moan that I always think the worst of her and that meeting would be discussed with her side of the family. My parents are irrational. I remember being at their home and my mother was talking about weddingmoons. I spoke up about getting married at the same place we had our honeymoon and she gave me an angry glare. “Your wedding was……!” my mother stopped herself at the last minute.
I don’t know if the event would heal hurt feelings, but I do know that it feels fake to have an event for people who never acknowledge our anniversary.
Post # 15
I spoke to my eldest brother who has been like a third parent to me. He listened to my feelings and said that if I want to have the event, I shouldn’t let my mother’s opinion get in the way. I told him that I do not wish to be gossiped about or put down on my special day. My brother told me that our mother learned her lesson when I eloped and she would never try to criticize or control this party.
My mother apologized to me for the way she behaved while I was engaged, which is a sign that it must be snowing in hell. She never says she’s sorry about anything.
The apology and my brother’s view of the situation was encouraging. It looks like I will likely do the vow renewal anyway.
Thank you my sweet bees.