Should I expect an invite?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

@Anna10-05-2014:  I would ask, simply because she sent you a STD.  It is very easy to overlook guests when you are sending invitations (we did it…for pretty much a week after our invites went out, I was still dropping one or two in the mail every day, and there was one person we completely forgot about, and I still feel bad about that).

It is likely an oversight on her part.

Post # 4
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

Don’t call… Don’t be THAT Guest.. the one who is wondering / or seen to be fishing for an Invite

If you are to be Invited** you’ll get an Invite eventually

Wedding Planning, and getting a Guest List that fits both a Venue & Budget are hard

The truth might be that she is quietly trying to work some magic in the background (aka a B-List)

I know for my First Wedding, we did the same.  We had a uber-long list of Relatives that HAD TO BE INVITED.

Many of them out of town… or Province / State

We could “assume” they weren’t going to come… but that is never a good thing… especially in light of us having a very tight venue to begin with (not to mention budget) we couldn’t risk going over our quota / cap

So we sent out the long distance Invites first.  And as the NOs rolled in, we sent out more invitations.

This is the delicate process that is a A-B List management… and what many Brides are faced with.

Infact, there is often a C List… the folks who you’d love to have come (mostly friends, or coworkers, or neighbours) but you aren’t sure you’ll have the space.  So as things come back if you are on friendly terms you can even (and especially so if your Venue has a MINIMUM Head Count Charge) many a couple has been known to actually send out very last second invites, or invite people verbally… as long as they have like 2 or 3 weeks before the Wedding this is still considered kosher in some cases.

Hope this helps,

** The general rule is if you got an STD, then you should be getting an Invite (altho that isn’t cast in stone either… cause an STD isn’t an Invite, it is really just more of a flyer telling you that Sue & Bob are getting married, the same way that an ad for an upcoming movie appears in a Newspaper).  There is always the possibility that the Couple “Jumped the Gun” with their STDs and sent them too far too many people, assuming that come the Wedding they’d be able to invite them all.  Sadly, I’ve seen this happen too many times on WBee… one shouldn’t send out STDs until one has worked out the following… Date – Venue – Budget – and Guest List.  Which is truly WHY I am not a fan of STDs to begin with, they tend to be improperly used and end up coming too much drama.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Anna10-05-2014:  Oh please, please don’t ask! You will put the bride in a really awkward position, who can say “No.” once they have been cornered? Regardless of her asking your address or the STD. Like PP mentioned she may still be dropping more off as we speak.

I would just wait it out, perhaps tell your boss you may need to take time off, but give her more time. If it gets to a fortnight before I would safely assume you aren’t invited.

Seriously, she may have realised people she thought wouldn’t come decided to, or perhaps there was a mix-up and she’s gone over her limit? I would hate to be put on the spot like that…

Post # 6
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

And this is why I never suggest STDs.

Personally, I would still ask. You are not the one putting her in an awkward position–she did that to herself by requesting that you “save the date” and then not following up with an invitation.

Like I said, we made several oversights (and I’ve seen lots of women admit they did too), and she could very easily have done the same thing.

Post # 7
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Anna10-05-2014:  I’m over the whole “etiquette” thing, afterall, she is the one who sent an std and not an invite. I would just check and say something along the lines of, ” Hey, I recieved and std but never got an invite and just wanted to make sure. I would hate for you to think I just didn’t rsvp”

Post # 8
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Anna10-05-2014:  You said she asked for your address. If she asked and you gave it to her but haven’t received an invite, take that as you weren’t invited and don’t be that guest that asks her. It isn’t polite.

Post # 9
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@megz06:  In fairness to the OP, the bride isn’t being polite. And the bride is being THAT bride. I actually see nothing wrong with her asking, afterall, it could be one big mixup. 

Post # 10
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Sunsetmrs13:  I agree with this.

She did send you a STD, after all. Obviously be polite and understanding, I would even tell her outright that it’s ok if she has gone over her numbers and can’t invite you anymore. It doesn’t sound like you’re angry, just trying to figure out your plans.

Post # 11
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Fizzy8:  Exactly what I was getting at. OP doesn’t seem bitter or angry just genuinely wondering (as she should after recieving an STD)

Post # 12
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Sunsetmrs13:  I understand the OP is genuinely curious, but I disagree that the bride is being inpolite. A save the date is sent with the intent of an invitation, but many things can change throughout the course of planning a wedding—budget, seating, venue, etc. Perhaps the bride had budget restraints or only had a limited amount of seating. She shouldn’t have to call every single person that was on her “B” list to tell them they weren’t invited. The invitation speaks for itself.

I’m just saying if it were me I wouldn’t ask, even if I did get a STD. I did once get a STD and did not ask where my invite was. I assumed I wasn’t invited anymore, and it didn’t hurt my feelings either way. I said “don’t be that guest” because I’ve been on the Bee for quite some time, and there are a lot of brides put in the uncomfortable position of people asking where their invite is when the bride didn’t send one ue to the reasons I listed above.

Post # 13
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Sunsetmrs13:  It’s true, the bride is the one causing the confusion here.

@Anna10-05-2014:  The difficult thing is that there isn’t really a way to ask about the invitation without putting the bride on the spot. I wouldn’t ask, but then again it would suck if she somehow missed on sending you the invite and really intended you to come.

Post # 14
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@megz06:  I absolutely get what you’re saying about other bees and you should never “expect” an invite. But not in the cases of those bees that received an STD. It’s terribly rude to send an STD and not an invite even if things “change” brides should be certain prior to sending one.

 

I might be taking this one a little too personally because I’ve been a victim of it. And later found out that the sole purpose of the bride sending STD’s and not an invite to some people was an effort to receive more gifts. And to later say, “Oh, I totally sent you an invite…you didn’t get it?!” And no, I did not ask. Point of the matter: Don’t send an STD if you aren’t 100% sure you will be inviting the person.

 

Post # 15
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Anna10-05-2014:  The bride is being WAY less polite that you would be to ask.  But don’t bother.  What’s the worst that happens?  You finally do get an invite, and can’t make it, so you save a night to yourself and don’t send a gift because – her bad.  Or you never get one and she eventually realizes that it was really rude to invite you to an engagement party, then send you a save-the-date that said “invitation to follow!” and not follow it with an invitations.

Post # 16
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I personally would not ask the bride.  It definitely sounds like you were placed on the B or even C list since her wedding is only 3 weeks away.  Normally venues require a head count a week before the wedding.  People rsvp no and then call/text back saying nevermind we can make it so it’s possible she may have had room but then didn’t?  It’s the only thing I can think of as to why she would ask you for your address again but then not send out an invite.  If you don’t receive an invite by next week and she hasn’t reached out to you about your rsvp then it’s clear you weren’t invited.

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