Weddingbee boards

Hi bees,

I just have something that I want to get your opinions on.  I know that ALL of us fear being called that terrible word... Bridezilla.  As we also know, the stress of wedding planning can sometimes make us do crazy things.  My sister and I tend to butt heads often, and during this wedding planning time, it is no exception.  Some of you might remember my post from a couple of months ago about her wanting to have her 2 month old baby in the wedding party and did not go down without a fight.  Well, I have another situation and I don't know if my nerves can take it.  

She is pregnant right now.  I have 2 sisters, both maids of honor.  My other sister had apparently been emailing the bridesmaids about planning a super fun girls night out bachelorette party.  They all were sharing ideas and talking budget and really trying to make a great traditional bachelorette party for me.  I had no idea.  So then the other sister (the one I'm having an issue with) pulled me aside one day and was like, just so you know... they are all planning this, but I will have the new baby by then so I won't be able to do this, this, and this.  And they are all coming up with ideas that are too expensive, and kind of wild.  So of course, I feel guilty... of course you don't have to spend a lot of money, I say!!  We can do anything, I just kind of want to have a fun night out (not very low key, which I thought was reasonable).  So she was suggesting things like a spa packate (not really me) and I said.. well how about something with more zest!  (To me, zest does not equal high expense).  It just seemed like the things she was coming up with were more something that she would like to do and not me.  The other bridesmaids were kind of upset that the ideas that they had all talked about were not going to happen anymore.  

I have been feeling very sad about not feeling support from her throughout the wedding plans.  I know that she is pregnant and probably uncomfortable, but it just still made me sad.  So when I was out the other day, she came up with the idea to have a joint bachelor/bachelorette party at a place that has laser tag and stuff.  She got very excited about it, and to be honest, I was really happy to see her excited about something for the wedding so I said 'OK'.  I talked with FI and he said "whatever you want" which was very nice, considering that would mean he would not get a traditional bachelor party.  She began pricing things and getting a head count together.  She started talking to me about the prices and how we needed to invite more people so that it would not be too expensive for everyone.  Well then I started feeling guilty.  A big bug in my gut kept telling me that I really would have rather had just a separate traditional girls night out, even if it was just at a cheap restaurant or at my apartment.  The more details I got, the more it felt like a birthday party.  No money had been put down, no papers had been signed, and she had not notified everyone about it (this was 2 days after the idea was created) and I talked to FI and told him what I was feeling.  He told me that I should tell her because if I didn't, I would always regret not having the party that I wanted.  So I decided to.  I felt awful and called her and was crying because I felt so badly that she had put so much time and effort into the planning (even though it had only been 2 days).  She was really angry and told me how I have been very picky and shot down every idea that she had (not exactly true) and that she had spent so much time on this and doesn't want to plan it anymore.  

Of course... I immediately felt crushed and regretful.  I didn't mean to hurt anybody's feelings, and I thought that because no permanent plans had been made, it wouldn't be that big of a deal.  Well, now I feel like the biggest bridezilla in the world and am scared that everyone in my family is going to perceive me as an obnoxious bride.  Am I wrong?

My other sister has been extremely supportive and not upset at all.  She is now planning a traditional girls night out, but I still feel like an idiot, high-maintenance, dumbo.  She sent me an email the next day explaining that her feelings were hurt and she no longer wanted to be a part of the planning.  I replied with an apology, but I just can't stop feeling guilty.  

Am I in the wrong here??  HELP!  I really am trying to get happy and move on, but I just want everyone to be happy and supportive.  Ugh.  

To be fair, she did say that that was a possibility.  She said that she could do something low key before and then we could go out afterwards.  I felt guilty, however, and said no we don't have to.  We can all do something together!  But, a fun night out doesn't necessarily have to be a wild drunken mess.  A restaurant with drinks would have been fine by me (and is probably what will happen).  I just didn't really want to have a joint party.  Maybe it's selfish.  

She no longer wants to be a part of planning and said that she would 'try' to attend whatever ends up being planned. 

:(

I have to agree that you are not being "bridezilla-ish" at all.  Your bachelorette party should be what you, and the majority of the rest of the girls, want it to be.  Your sister should remember that she is only one person in the group and should not be the final say on what happens.  It seems to me that she is being "pregnantzilla" on this one.

I guess the reason that I feel so selfish is because I kept saying "Yeah, that sounds like fun!" to try to keep peace and I waited until the last minute (well... 2 days later.  The party isn't even until May) to tell her.  

Maybe I phrased that wrong.  She didn't exactly 'ruin the surprise' because they had asked me what kind of thing I wanted so I knew that they had been talking.  When she said that it was too expensive, I gladly said "Okay, no problem".  I don't know...  

It's hard.  I AM trying to please everyone.  It does not work!!!  She has a dominant role in our family and has a tendency to make nobody want to upset her, so by standing up to her.. I'm the bad guy.  I feel awful.  

You guys REALLY don't think I'm out of line?  

She shouldn't be coming to you with these problems.  If your friends are planning something she doesn't like, she should take it up with them--- the planners!

Your sister is probably just bummed that she can't go crazy.  Maybe you could do your "wild" party without her and then do a spa day with just your sisters?

I would say that maybe your sister does not like the traditional bachelorette party idea bc she is pregant/will be nursing/have a young child at the time and feels that she won't be able to fully participate.  Granted, that doesn't make her behavior acceptable.  I do not think you acted wrongly at all.  You wanted to make her happy, but you realized that her idea was not your vision.  You can't make everyone happy all of the time, and to be honest, this is your wedding, and you should get what you want (within reason).  You sound like you are being considerate and trying to include her, but don't make concessions for things you don't want just to keep her from complaining.  If she wants to make a big deal out of things and take herself out of the planning, that is her decision.  Although, I would suggest talking to her before completely letting her drop out.  Tell her that you're hurt by her behavior and ask if she doesn't feel as if she could particifpate in the traditional bachelorette party.  Then suggest that maybe you two do a spa day the day before/of the bach. party.  Good luck! (and sorry that was long haha...hope it helps!)