Should I find my biological dad?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My opinion is if you are curious you have a right to know. However, if you do start looking you need to be prepared for your mom to find out. You also need to be prepared for what you Do actually find. I guess you need to figure out what you might regret more… not knowing or upsetting your mom and dad.

I know you dont want to talk to them about it but it would be the best solution.

 

Post # 4
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My two cents is no.   If he wanted to find you, he would have by now.  I would let it be.  It sounds like you already have a great dad in your life.  That is more than a lot of people get.

Post # 5
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@weddingbee098: While we’re in very different situations, I’ve also considered looking up my biological father. I’m happy to share my story if you’d like, but my best advice for you is:

a) Do not, I repeat, DO NOT keep it a secret from your mother. Regardless of how she feels about him, she should understand that this is something you have to do for yourself–but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt her to find out that you’ve been searching. Nevermind what it could do to your dad! Honestly, you need to tell them.

b) Be prepared for it to go… not well. Almost every reunion story I’ve ever heard has ended badly, whether it be disinterest on the part of the parent, hurt feelings on the part of the seeker, or just plain awkwardness and uncomfortability. That said, I know that for a lot of people, getting answers is more important than feeling good, but I just caution against being overly optimistic.

Post # 6
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

@weddingbee098:  I know you don’t want to, but I really think you shuld discuss this with your parents. You need to get the story in its entirety before you make a decision like this.

If you decide to contact him, I’d go into it with zero expectations. It could end up being a wonderful thing, or it could end up being very painful.

Good luck OP, with what ever you decide. Your real Dad(meaning the one who raised you) sounds like an amazing guy.

Post # 7
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I think it is completely normal to want to seek out your biological parent. I also understand how it could really hurt your other parents.

Just know that you may never get some sort of closure even if you do find him, and that you may not be satisfied, or may even be hurt by the answers to your questions. You need to be prepared for anything that may happen, good or bad.

Also, it might not hurt to talk to your mom about it. You’re an adult now, and I think you have the right to know what happened with your parents. Your mom should be able to have a conversation about it.

Post # 8
Member
3777 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@weddingbee098:  I’m in a very similar family situation, although I have never met my bio dad, or sperm donor as I like to call him. My “step dad” is my DAD, and has been since I was about 8. I have moments when I get curious, and I have even looked up bio dad on facebook. Each time the curiosity turns into true desire to meet the guy I ask myself, will my life be better if I meet him? I really do weigh the pros and cons, and every single time my answer has been, “No.” I really don’t think I have anything to gain from meeting him. I don’t care why he didn’t stick around when his girlfriend was preggo, I really don’t care if he loves me or thinks of me, and I really don’t care what his kids are doing now. I DO care about my Mom, and her feelings about the whole thing. I care about the only Dad I know, and his feelings about it. So I have never taken the plunge to meet bio dad.

 

But that’s me. If it’s important to you, I say go for it. Everyone is different, our feelings and needs are different, etc. At the end of the day I know our parents love us and want us to be happy. My Mom and Dad would understand my need to know bio dad, and I’m sure yours would, too. I think it might hurt them a little, but in the end they will understand your needs and want you to be happy.

ETA: Forgot to address the secretive part. Absolutely DO NOT look for your bio dad without telling your parents first. 10000% do not act in secret.

Post # 9
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I think if you do, you should fill in your mom and dad. Secrets will make things super messy. Personally I agree with PP .. let it be and if he ever reaches out, then go ahead. But everything happens for a reason, if he made a choice like that you should respect it.

Post # 10
Member
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

I have no idea what it would be like to not know one of my parents, so take my opinion with a big grain of salt… 

To me, whenever I hear people say they want to find a parent that left when they were young, or a biological parent that gave them up for adoption, etc I think they’re just opening themselves up for disappointment. Are you sure you’re prepared for that possibility?

Post # 11
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is such a personal and hard question.  I’m adopted, so I know the feeling. 

I would start by talking to your mom, alone, without your dad.  This is more between you and her than it is between you and him.  It sounds like your relationship is good, and because of that, knowing and respecting her feelings is top priority.  Get everything out in the open.  Maybe she will have a good reason for you not to go find out about him.  Maybe he was abusive and you don’t remember it.  Maybe he was lying about more than the cheating when they broke up.

If there is no good reason, I would explain that this has nothing to do with her or her parenting, or your dad and his parenting.  It is about knowing where you came from and answering questions that you have about that person. 

I have had this talk with my parents and I am still on the fence about looking for my bio mom.  It’s a really hard, scary, path. 

Either way you decide, good luck.

Post # 12
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you have a right to know about your dad, but I also think as an adult you should be honest with your mother that you want to know about him and that you know. Adults don’t keep secret’s like that, you need to sit down and discuss with her/them that you know you have a biological father. 

I think maybe after doing that, you may find some clarity. But like I said there’s nothing wrong with wanting to know about him and posibly reach out.

Post # 13
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You definitely have a right to know, but please be prepared, because not every reunification has a happy ending.  In my case, my bio dad wants absolutely nothing to do with me.  He raised his stepdaughter as one of his own … yet wants nothing to do with his actual blood-related daughter. Of course, not everyone has the same experience as me, but I can tell you the rejection hurts A LOT. 

Post # 14
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Misswhowedding: I agree with all your other points, but not about leaving her dad out of the conversation. To me, that absolutely reeks of biologism. He’s her dad as much as her mom is her mom, and the discussion should be done as a family.

But then, I’m also adopted–into my maternal family, so my “adoptive” dad is actually not related to me biologically–and I know that he’d be the one who took it the hardest, so I could just be speaking from my own experience.

Post # 15
Member
3777 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Kimberley25:  *hug* I’m so sorry that happened to you. I think that fear of rejection also keeps me from meeting my bio dad. I saw pictures of him on facebook (yes I stalked a little) with his daughters now and I kind of feel like if he wanted that relationship with me too, he would have made an effort. Makes me feel like I’ve been pre-rejected.

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