Post # 1
So I have this friend, let’s call her Janet. She and I were pretty close friends, but then just kind of grew apart because of some issues she was having with her now FI. We regained our friendship for the most part, but ever since wedding planning started for me she has been so uninvolved that it blows my mind.
A little back story. Her FI is in the military. They were together for 3 years, and then broke up because he was cheating on her while he is overseas. Fast forward to last April and they got back together. They haven’t seen each other to make up, and made sure to voice my opinion as a concerned friend in that there was something that just didn’t seem right. I also find it strange that he wants to get married as SOON as he gets home this December, even though he has to leave again. I understand it to an extent, but after going through unfaithfulness and not getting to speak to him face to face and then forgiving him? Just rubs me the wrong way.
ANYWAY, so everytime I bring up anything wedding, she just says “Yeah that sounds cool” and then goes onto her life with her FI or some stuff about work, or people..whatever. I have a little private group on FB with everyone in our BP, but she NEVER posts or responds to posts.
I know she’s busy. Hi, I work 60 hour weeks. HOWEVER, when she agreed to be a bridesmaid she agreed to help me. Am I being a total bridezilla to want even a little bit of input and help on certain things? I feel kind of like she just wants to show up and wear a cute dress. She is the only one of my BMs that live in the United States, I need her and she knows that.
Post # 3
Sounds as if for one reason or another you and Janet have stumbled into frenemy status…If I had to guess I would wager you protests about her love life have driven you apart, which is understandable, however valid your concerns may be, I would imagine that upset her greatly….any chance of a heart to heart?
Post # 4
No I don’t think you should fire her. So long as she’s going to support you on your day (and hopefully help arrange some sort of bachelorette/hens’ party), that is enough. I’m a strong believer that you shouldn’t expect BMs to help with wedding planning. If they do, that’s great, but that’s not what they’re for.
Post # 5
@paula1248: It’s not JUST that. Like she and I never talk. The second I try to talk about ANYTHING in my own life, we go into a two hour convo about her.
Post # 6
@PacificMrs: I would try talking to her as a friend. I don’t think you’ve quite hit frenemy status yet, but could get there very soon or even worse if you completely cut her off without talking. I don’t know her, so I don’t know the best way to be approached, but maybe take her out to lunch or get a pedi together… somewhere where you guys can be alone so that you can approach her while she’s enjoying herself and she’ll understand that you’ve come to her. Tell her how much you want her input and if she still seems to be shoving you off even in conversation tell her you’d understsand if everything is too overwhelming right now for her and you don’t want to put her through more stress.
Post # 7
A bridesmaid isn’t an employee you can “fire” becuase she isn’t as interested in talking about your wedding. She should be a very important person in your life—important enough for you to ask her to stand up for you on the most imprtant day of your life thus far.
If she was important and that good of friend that you asked her to be a bridesmaid, then you should be close enough to tell her your feelings and resolve them yourselves. No one here knows the history of your frinedship—but most likely she doesn’t even know that she is hurting your feelings or making you upset.
Good luck, I hope it all turns out good in the end.
Post # 8
Well she does seem to have alot going in her life, I vote for just talkiing to her on a riend to friend level. Maybe ask her if she’s a good enough place to take on wedding planning bridesmaid duties, out of concern for her?
Post # 9
It would be rude to “disinvite” her as a bridesmaid, that could be a definite friendship-ender type of move. I’d just stay on course and focus on yourself, give her the instructions (dress, earrings, shoes) and if she can’t do that, then you have just cause to tell her to just be a guest.
Post # 10
I wish I could just take her out to lunch and sit down and talk with her, but she lives 1k miles away. I think what’s making it really hard is that she told me she’d be my go-to gal for help, and she’s not. I know she’s not my employee, she’s my friend first and I love her to death, but it’s just like she doesn’t care. She doesn’t even seem excited for me.
I’m not trying to be selfish and I’m trying to be sensitive to her life and everything going on in it, but sometimes I would like to talk about some things besides her. Some pertaining to the wedding, other things that friends normally talk about.
I have tried speaking to her about it, and everytime I bring up the fact that I feel like some times she just doesn’t even care about the wedding OR what is going on with me, she denies it and says, “of course I do!”. She has a very attention-grabbing personality as is, and I love her even with it. But it’s really starting to get to me. 🙁
Post # 11
Anytime I see the word “fire” and “bridesmaid” in a post title I cringe. I want to sticky a post that shouts YOU CAN’T FIRE BRIDESMAIDS. You may: ask them to step down, suggest they not be a bridesmaid anymore, disinvite them from weddings, but you cannot fire them from a bridesmaid post because it is not a job (it’s meant to be an honor to your nearest and dearest). I remain amazed such a high number of bees lose the friendship of their bridesmaids – this is why I only asked close family.
So, yes, I think you are a bridezilla, sadly, from your post alone. But to go to the content, they really only need show up in what you asked them to wear. Listening to you talk about the wedding is nice, but not strictly obligatory (and I never know how much people are talking the ears of their bridesmaids off). I would chalk this up to the fact that you have issues with her SO that she knows about which makes her uncomfortable.
Post # 12
I have 6 bridesmaids, and my experience has been that some are the type to comment on every one of my pins on Pinterest and offer to work on DIY projects with me, while others are more inclined to just show up for the rehearsal and the wedding. I had to learn not to take that personally and to consider the fact that they have different personalities and different responsibilites that make my wedding just one of many, many things they have going on in their lives. If you’re worried that she’s not interested in participating in your wedding, that’s something you can definitely check in with her about, but firing her as a bridesmaid may be rash, especially if she’s not aware that you’re upset.
Post # 13
Seeing your update, I wonder if it just isn’t part of her personality. One of my best friends is very much the type to spend most of the conversation talking about herself or others, rather than asking me questions about my life. This is something I’ve just accepted about her, and I knew it wasn’t going to change when it came to my wedding.
Post # 14
@SweetDeeReynolds: I agree. My girls all had varying ideas of what constitutes being a bridesmaid. Also, almost no one but me or my fiance was over the top excited about our wedding until about a month out. You still have almost a year, I’m sure people will get more excited as it approaches.
Also, if I’m reading this correctly, she’s getting married in 2 months, and she’s in crunch time planning her wedding. Maybe wait until after December and see if she’s more emotionally available to talk about your wedding.
Post # 15
@kay01: Maybe I should have stuck with the close family, haha. I guess it was just something that I should have considered before I got so excited and asked her. You’re right, I shouldn’t say “fired”, but I couldn’t really think of another way to say it. Thanks for the suggestions. I’m not trying to sound overbearing, rude, or whatever else. I’d just like for my friend to think my own well-being and large life event is important as I think that hers is, but unfortunately it’s not going to happen it doesn’t seem like.
I get the chance to talk to her maybe twice a week since both of our schedules don’t exactly mesh the best. I’m not trying to talk to her 5 times a day, haha.
@SweetDeeReynolds: As I said, I have attempted to talk to her abotu my issues with her and have made it apparent that I’m a bit upset with her, but she always denies it and brushes it off.
@les105: She’s not having a wedding. They’re eloping. Literally going to the courthouse and then taking a road trip to NC, just by themselves. So she doesn’t have any planning to do. Believe me, if she did, then I would be way too excited to focus on my own wedding! LOL!
Post # 16
Just read your last comment…she’s eloping? As in courthouse wedding? Let me ask you something, is she the type to watch Four Weddings marathons and flip through bridal magazines sneakily when she wasn’t engaged just for “quick peaks” and was glued to the TV during Will and Kate’s wedding? People who love weddings are more likely to want to help out and gush about your wedding with you. People who couldn’t care less about weddings…well, they’ll care about you because you’re their friend, but your wedding? Nopers. They don’t transform into wedding gushing girls overnight just because you asked them to be a bridesmaid. I was completely engrossed in my friend’s wedding because I LOVE weddings, always have (look what website I’m on right now!). Her other bridesmaids weren’t at all, not because they didn’t love her, but because they just weren’t that into the whole wedding mania. It’s just not who they are. She probably doesn’t see it as a problem because she doesn’t think the “details” are all that important…how much is there to talk about? Her friend met a guy, they fell in love, they’re getting married, awesome! That’s what matters to people who don’t really care about weddings, not all the frills that go along with it.