Weddingbee boards

Ok hive, this is my first time writing a post and I need some advice! **And a disclaimer: I have nothing against teen mom's, just this specific situation**

My FI's 19- year old sister is pregnant and due in April. This is her third pregnancy but first actual baby (the other two happened in high school and were, taken care of). Baby daddy is her boyfriend (same guy for all three pregnancies) but she isn't even allowed to mention his name in the house! To her family he does not exist because he is just a really bad influence, and she technically isn't allowed to see him.

This girl is insanely immature, causes her family so much grief, and is just plain rude. I have been dating FI for a year and a half and have probably seen her about 10 times, even though she lives at home. I 1000% do not support this girl and her pregnancy because I know she won't be able to support it and the burden is going to fall on her family.

To be fair, she has never done anything specifically to me except be rude on occasion. However, she has caused relationship problems because FI is sometimes asked to "babysit" if his parents want to go out for the night (she has a history of sneaking out of the house to see Baby Daddy). Her actions really stress FI out a lot.

Now for the dilemma. Her baby shower is on Feb 20 and I really do not want to go because I don't want to support this pregnancy or her. Yes I know the baby is my future niece so it complicates things even more. Normally I would just have FI tell his family I am busy, but it is also his mother's birthday :/

I was thinking of sending a card with the FI and not attending, except I don't have any well wishes to send her, just the baby. What would you do??

who's throwing the shower? if it's her and your fi's mom, i'd for sure go, to support your in-laws, who it sounds like may end up playing a large role in raising the baby. i don't really think attending the shower necessarily signifies that you do agree with her actions, and i mean, it is your future niece. if the decision's been made to keep the baby, then that's kind of the end of discussion about whether you agree or don't agree with her actions, anyway.

I have a GREAT relationship with my FILs :) I love his mom to death and that is why the choice is so hard to make! Also, FI is really supportive with whatever decision I make, but I think it hurts him a little to know I won't be there (in all honesty I think it makes him resent his sister even more :/ ). He doesn't want to attend either but it is his family so he is obligated to.

I like the idea of sending a package of diapers, baby wipes, etc. and a card written to baby but not attending. I know things like that would help his whole FAMILY and not just her

I should also mention that I have a nephew from my own sister who I spoil like crazy with clothes and gifts so I don't really have the urge to buy cute baby things for this new little one :p

Thank you all!

I agree with those that have said you should go. This baby is going to need a lot of love and support, and I don't think you want to be the kind of person that doesn't go to a baby shower because you don't agree with him/her coming into the world. Plus, FSIL is 19 now but she won't be forever. Her life is going to change drastically, and who knows? Perhaps with you in her life she'll start to become a better person.  

@Arachna: This has been going on since she was about 14. Her parents have every right to control her at that age. Now that she is 19 and still has most of her expenses paid for by her parents I think they still have a right to "control" her. And quite honestly, this girl is about the furthest thing from smart you can get ;) so I don't think it is abuse or control (but who knows because I barely know her).

Believe me, I had a whole batch of issues with the way her parents have handled her behavior but it is not my right to place judgement on it. I simply asked if I should attend the baby shower because of my feelings on the subject.

if it is bumming your fiance out a bit for you not to go, I say go. Do it for him, do it for the baby. Be the mature one here.

I have a little different perspective as I was a teen mom. I am sure not all of my family supported me or thought I was ready to be a mom, and looking back I wasn't. But I am a great mom and have made a great life for my daughter and maybe your FSIL will do the same.

She is going to be your family for the rest of your life. I think you should treat this child just like your nephew and give it all the love you can. Personally I don't think you perspective of "this will burden his family" is really something you should judge at this point, having a baby changes EVERYTHING. I think you should go to the shower, bring a gift, and let your FSIL know that if she ever needed anything you two would be there for her, that is what she needs, not judgements. I am sure you would do the same for your sister. Sorry if this seems harsh, but I do have a little different point of view.

@mrskesslertobe: I completely respect your point of view as a teen mom and thank. My best friend from elementary school has two kids and my best friend from high school has one and they are both 21. I fully respect the amount of effort it takes to raise a child being so young. It is her specific situation I am fully against. I understand accidents happen but this is her THIRD accident and she is only 19!

As far as being a burden goes, it really will affect the FI. We are both still in school and semi-supported by our respective families. His family does not have a ton of money as it is and they are on their way to sending their third child off to college. The child will be beyond loved when it arrives, but up until about a month ago everyone pretended that there was no baby on the way. It just wasn't allowed to be spoken about. I can see how worried his parents are being able to afford all these life changes at once :/

I think it's a personal decision to go or not to go to the shower, although I would probably go because the new baby will need all the good influences if can have in life and this may be a good opportunity to show that you care about the well-being of the child.

Is it possible that maybe it wasn't an accident and she really actually wanted a baby?  My FSIL (she is marrying my FI's brother apparently this summer) is 19 and they have a 1 1/2 year old child and she has talked about wanting another child soon even though they can't support the child they currently have.  Unfortunately some girls want the "unconditional love" of a child and something that the can "control."  If she feels that she doesn't have a lot of control in her life (ex. she can't see or talk about baby's father), this could (in part) be her way of showing that she can make her own decisions.  Just a thought...

Ok ladies, first I want to thank you all for your fabulous advice! It really gave me some new perspective on the situation.

I've decided to go to the baby shower. Not for her, but for FI's mom and the rest of his family. I know how worried his mom is and I want to be there to support her.

Last night I went to Target in search of a practical gift and this is what I came up with:

I bought a green plastic bin which she can reuse later for storage and in it is:

A pack of size 2 diapers

Baby wipe

Butt pasted

Baby Lotion, baby powder, and baby body wash

Wash Cloths

and a really cute rubber ducky

Once I started shopping for the gift I really got into it knowing it would help his parents (and her). And being that I am well me I had to do some sort of theme :p

I think that it a really awesome gift! I also think you are really doing the right thing in going to the shower. You don't have to agree with FSIL decisions, but before you know it you will have a new nefew or niece to love and that it sounds like that baby is going to need you to be involved in its life.