- 6 years ago
Girls, I know that answer to this already in my heart, but it’s hard to face without support. My FI and I have been broken up for almost 8 months now. There was some dishonesty about marijuana; he was giving it up, but then I found out he was still buying and smoking it; a couple of months before our wedding, he told me that he was “not ready yet to make the commitment” to give it up, which cause me to freak out. Then there was also an ex-partner/lover of his, who was very important to him, who he wanted at our wedding, and who he was clearly very attached to still. He would go and visit her, and concealed it once from me once when we were still dating. I could tell he still loved her (as a friend) even if he wasn’t in love with her. I postponed the wedding because of these things.
I know you shouldn’t try to change people, which perhaps I try to do in this case (asked him to give up marijuana, which he refused to do, and stop contacting his ex, which he eventually did do after nearly losing me). He told me though, that even if he couldn’t see her, this wouldn’t stop him from thinking about her. Then he got critical of my faith, and I started to feel crazy, little and insecure and totally full of self-doubt around him. He said I didn’t accept him for who he was (if dope is part of who he is, then that’s true!) He eventually broke up with me, saying that I am high-strung, anxious, and indecisive. I was indecisive because of all of the above reasons. I think that he would have hurt me after we were married.
He told me to date other people, and he was almost instantly in a relationship with another woman. I only got an email from him once, telling me how much he missed me. This was after this rebound fell through.
I recently was missing him so much and not able to get over him. There was so much love as well in our relationship….don’t get me wrong. He wrote me beautiful poems and took care of me when I lived in a terrible hovel and didn’t have money. He showered me always with loving, romantic, words, and is a very kind person. He was also willing to raise our children in my faith.
Anyways, I called him and asked him to come a long ways to see me. I thought maybe he would come, and then we finally would both “know” the answers in all this confusion. He was the one who was always certain aboout the relationship, and I was the one filled with doubt and fear.
He refused, but then he later wrote and basically said I had to convince him that we could work. But that I could “take my time”.
I don’t think love “convinces” the other. Am I right?
I just want to write and say, no, never, it’s over, but feelings for him are so strong, and what we shared changed me so much. I am constantly plagued with doubt that I did the wrong thing by postponing the wedding. That we could have been really, really happy together and worked it all out.
Has anyone ever worked through such big difficulties? Do you think I did the right thing?