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99% of the time we're fantastic. We have a lovely home, 2 loving dogs, mutual friends. He loves me and I love him. We are a huge part of each other's lives. But we have these issues.
It rarely happens, but once every couple months... he becomes a very mean drunk. He has driven us home at 110 mph, into a ditch, etc. He has gotten drunk and told me to get the f*** out of his place and leave the ring on the table. He has thrown my dog at me. He told me he never wants to see my f***ing face again. He broke down our door without needing to. He fell down in the middle of the street before driving us home... wouldn't let me call a cab.
I involved my family because I was scared. He talked to his parents and now he and his parents are mad at me for saying these things to my family. He in fact said, "A line needs to be drawn at which point you involve daddy." He said that his parents told him that the relationship should be between the two of us and that I should never involve my parents. So he and his parents acknowledge that he did something wrong... but now feel that they have the right to be upset with me for going to my parents with the situation.
What do I do?
Please keep in mind... we are engaged... I have the date, the dress, the photographer, etc. Everyone loves him and most people think I'm lucky to have him. He is a great people person, treats me wonderfully most of the time. Very ambitious in his career. Kids love him, pets love him.
I doubt "pets love him" too much if he has THROWN your dog at you. No, I wouldn't go through with it. These things escalate...you're lucky he didn't kill you both, or someone else, while driving drunk at 110 mph. He sounds like he needs help.
I think when someone breaks your trust and makes you feel unsafe you have every right to involve your family.
IDK I try not to tell people to leave their guy on here. I would tell him he has to go to AA and if he touches another drink you're out. He is sick and it needs to be addressed.
@kesskess: Sounds like he needs to go to AA and get his drinking under control.
If I were you, I'd put the wedding on hold until he gets his drinking under control. He is an abusive drunk and has a history of drunk driving.
One of these days you or he won't be so lucky and he'll actually physically hit you or get into an accident and injure or potentially kill you or some innocent bystander.
If you have such an open loving relationship, he should be 100% willing to fix his problems before you get married.
I'd also recommend some couples counseling prior to actually tying the knot.
@kesskess: Please keep in mind... we are engaged... I have the date, the dress, the photographer, etc. Everyone loves him and most people think I'm lucky to have him. He is a great people person, treats me wonderfully most of the time. Very ambitious in his career. Kids love him, pets love him
Being engaged has nothing to do with any of this and the fact that this is where your concern lies, that you have a date, dresser, photographer, etc means you might just be as sick as him. None of that matters if he is abusing you. The "pets love him" part cracks me up since you said that he threw your dog at you. I'm sure your dog loved that.
You should leave or at least hold off until he can get his drinking under control.
"I involved my family because I was scared. He talked to his parents and now he and his parents are mad at me for saying these things to my family. He in fact said, "A line needs to be drawn at which point you involve daddy." He said that his parents told him that the relationship should be between the two of us and that I should never involve my parents. So he and his parents acknowledge that he did something wrong... but now feel that they have the right to be upset with me for going to my parents with the situation."
This is a big problem.
It sounds like your Fiance is dealing with some very serious issues relating to alcohol. Alcholism, if you will. If he does not recognize the problem and take steps to correct it, it's not going to get better on its own.
Is he open to counseling? AA?
Moreover, the fact that you were scared enough to involve outside help, which then did not improve the problem and basically incurred a "sit down and shut up" response, is really serious. I mean, to me, this is the set up for a potentially dangerous or abusive situation.
IMO, you need to not move forward one step until it's resolved - for your own health and happiness, and for both of you as a couple. You might have all the stuff set up for the wedding... but it's not worth it. Esp. if you have a gut feeling, like I'm reading in this post.
You won't be so lucky if he drives drunk and you go flying through the windshield.
I think you know what you have to do, or you wouldn't be asking.
That's what my dad said. My dad got involved and told him he's not going to stand on the sidelines anymore. In fact, he said "I'm not going to go to my daughter's funeral knowing I didn't step in."
Here's another problem... I'm from an Irish family. Alcohol is a huge part of our lives. We can't go to a family function without lots of alcohol involved. I enjoy drinking, but since I was young I've known when to say when enough is enough. It's a cultural thing I guess...
I don't understand why going to your parents was a problem, esp. if you were scared! What should you have done, suck it up and be scared by yourself? Maybe you should look into counseling first and see how that goes.
Sorry you have to go through this (even if its only once every few months)!
My FSIL is in a VERY similar situation, except with him smoking pot. The most obvious thing to me is that he needs to stop drinking. If these problems come up when he drinks, and he treats you this way, then he needs to not drink, period. And you need to tell him that. If he can't agree to that then you have a problem. You can't bring your kids into that situation: it's not fair to anyone (this is, of course, assuming you do want to have kids with him). He's endangering your lives and the lives of others, and he has no right to do that.
In terms of you talking to your family, that's a tricky one: are your family encouraging you not to marry him because of this? I do understand why he's upset, because they probably see him as bad news now, and they're notthere when you make up, and don't maybe see all the wonerful things he says and does. That being said, HE is involving HIS family, and they're meddling too, so how is THAT ok?!
As a general rule FI and I try very hard (and admittedly do not always succeed) to keep our families out of our fights: you have to remember their view of that person will be tainted by things you say in anger, and they won't forget it when you make up like you do.
Bottom line: you need to have a frank and open conversation with him about his drinking, and it needs to stop.
I would either leave or postpone everything. Find a place to stay. Get him in AA and you two need couple's counseling. It will only get worse. You deserve better than this. As for the driving, you two will be killed one day or he may kill an innocent person(s).
You may love each other, but he needs help. What are you going to do when you have kids? There's no way I would put my future children in that situation. He could seriously hurt them as well as you.
Postpone the wedding until you know whether or not he values you and your future family enough to clean up his act.
If you want to feel like this every couple of months for the rest of your life- go ahead and marry him.
If you think this is an unacceptable way to behave or treat other people, then I suggest you put things on hold, until he has made some changes with his relationship with alcohol.
Oh dear. First things first: he should not be driving at all when he's drunk. When you get in the car with him, you are encouraging that behaviour.
Read what you wrote and pretend that a close friend of yours was asking you that same advice. What would you tell her?
Your fiance is perfectly willing to drive you around while he's completely intoxicated. What does that tell you about the value he has placed on your life?
@kesskess: I come from a family where alcoholism and substance abuse have created problems. We've become very careful about what's available at what function. If your family knows he's seeking help they should do everything they can to help support that. And if they don't, that's the line in the sand for you.
But your FI has to be seeking help for that to even factor into the equation.
@kesskess: Not necessarily. Alcohol addiction is a disease, some people have addictive personalities and some don't. Your heritage has nothing to do with whether or not you can handle alcohol and know when to stop. There are plenty of alcoholic Irish people.
If you are putting the fact that you need to be able to drink at family functions above willingness to support him in curing his addiction then maybe this isn't the best relationship. He is currently sick and abusive and needs help.
I would not go through with a wedding until he gets the help he needs and you two learn how to be a collaborative and supportive partnership. Or, if that is not what you want to do, then you need to go your separate ways.
@kesskess: I give with the PP's. Have you talked to him after he has these episodes? Has he offered at least to get help or make a change? Drinking is one thing but being a abusive drunk is a whole different story. And the part about him and his family getting upset about you sharing this with yours is upsetting. You have EVERY right to share your feelings with your family and if your scared especially! I would sit down and talk to him...and if you have to postpone the wedding then so be it. The dress will always be there.
Also, someone I know is currently going through a very bitter divorce due to a very bitter marriage.
The husband didn't want her to even tell her family (who she is extrememly close to) about the divorce because he didn't want her to have any support system so he can continue to belittle her and make her feel like she doesn't deserve anything so that he gets everything in the divorce.
I'm not saying this is your situation, but it's definitely a HUGE red flag when he doesn't want your family involved.
Don't go through with it. This is the rest of your life, better to pull out (or at the very least postpone) now than regret it if he becomes worse.
He threw your dog at you, what happens when it's your kids? What happens when he drives so fast you end up in ER or worse?
You got so scared that you went to your parents (which is totally okay by the way) and this guy is going to be your husband? You deserve better than this.
Best wishes
eta: i feel really mean saying this, I don't mean to be.
You know, the funny thing about alcohol is that is lowers your filters. After all, in vino veritas (in wine, truth). Clearly you already know what you need to do--you just want someone elses opinion so you feel better about it (sorry if that's kind of harsh), so do what you need to do--leave. If this guy really wants to marry you, he'll shape up--you don't deserve this, and neither does he.
I would NOT be getting in a car with someone in that state! He can go kill himself if he wants, but I want to live. That is rediculous!! 110 mph drunk into a ditch?!?! Holy crap. Sorry, I dont care that he is "great" 99% of the time, it only takes ONCE to get yourself killed. Throwing your dog at you? Telling you to F**K off?? Do you really want to subject yourself and possibly future kids to these outburst?
Honestly, I understand that with the wedding and all of the money you've invested in it you're scared to call it off. But honestly, from the heart, you should and you know it. Alcohol abuse doesn't magically go away, and you can't change that about him. Rely on your friends and family, they'll help you through it :(.
He drives drunk and recklessly puts both your lives in danger.
He has mommy/daddy issues.
He is verbally abusive.
He is emotionally abusive.
He is mentally abusive.
He is one drink away from being physically abusive.
He threw your dog.
If you think that's ok to live with 'once every couple months' for the next 40 years or so, then sure.
Otherwise, he needs to get his a$$ into AA and serious counseling. You also need to talk to someone.
Don't even think about a wedding or the deposits you have down. Losing that money should be pretty low on your totem pole of worries right now.
Oh wow. It's very obvious what you should be doing. And marrying him isn't one of them.
He needs to go to AA, you need to move out of the home you share with him, you need to tell his parents to go F&@k themselves if they don't see why you deserve to tell your parents so you have support, And the biggest thing in my mind is you need to take control of YOUR life and not allow him to speak to you like that, endanger you like that....
Lastly, can you seriously have children with this man? That would be so irresponsible. I'm sorry.
Hope you make the right choices. You deserve better than that.
@kesskess: Abusers want to isolate their victim from their support systems, i.e., their family and friends. You're not wrong going to your support system for such a serious issue. He's trying to manipulate you further.
Even if it happens infrequently, this is still domestic abuse. It will only escalate further if you don't act now. At the very least, I'd postpone the wedding so that you can both get counseling (together and separate) and he can get into a substance abuse program. (I'd probably call it all off and leave completely, actually).
Don't ever feel bad for reaching out for help with this problem. It's not your fault he cannot control yourself. You have every right to go to your family for support.
You know what you need to do. Someone who loved you would listen to your concerns and would never put your life in danger in this way. He has a disease and it needs to be treated before you tie your life to his.
first I want to say this is obviously not easy for you so I send hugs!!
I have a question... what if you had a daughter and she asked you this? step outside yourself and be honest about what you would say to her and how you would feel.
My opinion from my many years of life is this.
He may love you but he is showing you zero respect & if you allow it it will only get worse! don't fool yourself. we don't put people we love in danger. we are only sorry for the things we do if we never do them again.
I agree, troubles between a couple stay between the couple but not in am extreme case like this. You need support and you are entitled to go where you want for it.
If he wasn't behaving completely inappropriately you wouldn't have to turn to someone. he pushed you into that situtation.
HIs parents are being proctetive of their son. they are not being realistic and are avoiding the issue. Ask them how they would feel if their grandchild was in that car with him. how would they react then.
This is a dangerous situation that can only esculate unless he helps himself.
If this was me. I would leave! fast!!
The other things are only stuff. This is your life we are talking about!!!
Please don't take this lighty! You get one chance at life and the most amazing man could be out there looking for you and he will treat you like a queen. go find him!!
Everything you said was bang-on. Re: the once-every-couple-of-months thing, my guess is that after they are married, the abuse will escalate to become much more frequent.
I have zero tolerance for drunk driving and other alcohol-fueled dangerous behavior, so I would point-blank ask him which is more important to him, drinking or you. If he says it's you, then tell him the drinking needs to stop, by whatever means necessary. If he kicks up a fuss or tries to downplay how dangerous he is when he's intoxicated, tell him you refuse to marry someone who will willingly put your life in danger, treat you like shit, and damage your home, all for the sake of a few drinks.
He needs to get help, but regardless of that, you need to help yourself. Go to the family AA and stop getting in the car with him when's he's been drinking! Call a cab, ask a friend to drive you home (heck! go home with them instead)
@linguo42: <--- what she said.
I don't think you should go through with this until he recognizes he has a problem and the drinking stops. You should never, ever, ever live in fear of the man you've married.
You are in an emotionally abusive relationship with and alcoholic....you need to LEAVE until he gets help.
Just to nitpick, does he see the irony in his parents getting involved to say that your parents shouldn't be getting involved?
His behavior is out of control. He doesn't seem sorry. You need to leave.
He needs help. Distance yourself from him while he seeks it. If he's not wiling to get help, distance yourself from him forever before you end up another drunk-driving or domestic violence statistic.
At the very least, postpone the engagement and take a break from this relationship until he gets his shit together.
I've been there...I was with a guy who I thought was fantastic but once in a blue moon when he was drunk, he became really angry and broke things in our home and screamed awful things in my face. I told my family because it scared me, and I think that's perfectly legitimate that you did the same. When he actually got so close that I thought he was going to push me one night, my mother and brother came to move me out the next day and it was over. Now I'm engaged to a man who would never think of screaming at me, throwing something (like my dog!) at me, etc. I can't tell you what to do but something has to be done...at least start with counseling for him or something along those lines. Good luck.
No wonder he pulls this crap and doesn't see anything wrong with it, he has mommy and daddy telling him it was okay and the real problem is that you went to your family for support. So who's "involving daddy"? you? or him? He literally has his dad telling you that you shouldn't have involved your dad.
His parents should be telling him he needs help. And you need to tell him he either needs to get help or you're leaving for good. Definitely postpone the wedding until he gets well. Don't worry what people think or say, they'll be proud of you guys for getting healthy before the wedding.
If he doesn't acknowledge that throwing things at you and swearing at you is wrong, there's not a snowflakes chance in hell that it will ever stop happening. I'd leave and let him hit rock bottom and see what he does. I had an abusive ex bf who would always beg me to come back then get all violent again. He needs to see what life is like without you, promise to change and then follow through on that promise. As in never again ever become violent, go to AA as often as needed, get serious, get a sponsor, and tell mommy and daddy to suck it. They're backing him on this so they can keep him all to themselves. They'd rather he be unhealthy, single and at home than healthy and successful but married and independent from them.
Also, you need to stop drinking to support him, for a few reasons. One: how can you expect him to give it up and be the only sober person at the party? DH and I have a few friends who don't drink, including DH, and they all have like a little bond together at parties. Its uncomfortable to be alone. And how can you tell him to quit if you can't? Also, if you don't drink then you don't allow him to accuse you of being a bad influence and using you to make excuses/place the blame - which addicts tend to do.
I'd be very cautious around someone who abuses animals though. Maybe he can convince you you somehow deserved it, which you didn't, but how could he even begin to blame a dog? He doesn't seem to like taking responsibility for his actions.
Honey please leave him. The wedding doesn't matter at all, it's just money.
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