Should I Go To Dinner?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

“While I disgaree with it, it really had no affect on my friendship with her. What she did with her marriage is technically her business not mine.”

The entire post contradicts that statement.  If you truly believe her cheating on her husband, had no effect on your friendship with her, then ask yourself: if the tables were turned and it was her husband who had cheated, the divorce was underway and the friend had a new fella in her life, would you still feel so reluctant to go to dinner with them?

 

Post # 4
Member
1584 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I woul just bring up what you tell us here, that you don’t understand WHY she is looking for your approval of this man, when you are no longer as close as you used to be. Tell her you love her as a person, but you really just don’t get why it’s so important to her, when you don’t even speak every month. Maybe she can provide some insight for you as to why it is so important to her.

Post # 5
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@megz06:  she obviously respects your opinion as a friend.  i know that when i ever met someone new, i was excited for my brother to meet them.  (i am very close to my brother).  i am sure she feels the same.

as you mentioned, you are her friend and you don’t think her cheating should affect your relationship.  well, don’t let it and as a friend, stop judging her.  let her live her life and as a friend, be there for her. 

Post # 7
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It’s normal and okay for friendships from childhood to end. The two of you are very different people. If you don’t meet this guy, it’ll most likely be the end of your friendship. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Do you feel the two of you can really carry on this friendship? Honestly, once it gets to texting every few months to check in, I fail to see the point in continuing.

Post # 8
Member
4494 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

You don’t respect this woman for her lifestyle and cheating (and quite frankly, I don’t blame you).  She worried about covering her own ass more than your friendship when she used you to lie to her husband.  There isn’t a whole lot of respect and loyalty here on both sides for it to be a true friendship anymore.  People change a lot from the time they’re 3 to adulthood – it’s ok that you’ve drifted apart.  Go to the dinner because you said you would, but accept that this friendship has run its course.  It sucks, but it happens.

Post # 9
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

@megz06:  that sounds like the cheating DOES affect your relationship with her, which is a normal reaction and I don’t  think anyone would blame you. It’s important for you to understand and acknowledge this fact because it will have a lot to do with how you interact with her going forward

if you think you can one day see past that, forgive her (her actions damaged the friendship and it’s ok if you blame her for that) and respect her again, then it’s more important that you bite your tongue now. Her robo-dating is annoying but we all have one friend or another who robo-dates and we love that friend in spite of her flaw.

if you don’t think you can ever forgive her or respect her fully again then it is probably time to move on and away from the friendship. Save everyone some heartache.

Post # 10
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@megz06:  I would stand firm with your original sentiment of not meeting the new guy until she is at least separated from her husband.  I do not like being part of a cheating spouse situation.  My bet is that she wants you to meet this new guy and like him enough that you are willing to lie to her husband about where she is when she is with the new guy.  No thanks.

I woul tell my friend that while I care about her, I cannot support cheating in a marriage.  When she separates from her husband and files divorce papers, then we can discuss meeting the new guy.  Until then, the new guy is merely a piece of ass on the side and drama that I don’t want to or need to get involved in.  I would happily meet up with her alone for dinner but if the new guy shows, I would leave immediately.

A friend of mine was cheating on his wife and I felt awful every time I had to hang out with him and his wife because I knew he was cheating on her.  I slowly stopped hanging out with all of them and am no longer friends with any of them because it just made me feel bad and I wasn’t even doing anyhting wrong in the situation.

Post # 11
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t see why you wouldn’t go.  The girl married when she was 18, these things happen to everyone especially if she married so young.  Like if she had s b/f after b/f I’d understand but it seems like she may really like this guy.  If you want to remain friends you should give her the benefit of the doubt.   

Post # 12
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Do you want to remain friends with her? If so, it’s likely you’ll have to get to know this guy eventually. You said you don’t judge her, but then make comments that she’s moving back in her life, while you’re moving forward…that sounds pretty darn judgemental. I’m not saying you have to agree with everything she does, but I think you need to own your feelings and be honest with her and yourself about what they are.

Post # 13
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@megz06:  If you replace “friend” with “brother” (and “her boyfriend” with “his girlfriend” etc) then that could be my story.

I’ve decided to not judge my brother and accept him.

I would attend.

Post # 14
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@abirdword:  +1

It’s very hard to be friends with people you don’t respect.  Personally-I have a hard time being friends with people who have let me or people I love down.  Sorry, no hard feelings, even be there for them in some ways but picking up on double dates…IDK

Also,

@megz06:  You are sick of going on dates with different guys, she’s in a dating stage…you mentioned she’s with the new guy that she loves, has been with for a while and is already carrying around his last name.  Doesn’t sound like ‘lots of guys’; and sure, she made a mistake years ago but she was clearly unhappy and maybe too young to identify it at the time.

Maybe you can talk to her about this?  

Also…I never cheated but I was the single girl who dated a lot-at one point I was just always wanting to bring my new bf around (whoever it was at the time), just because you want to feel coupled up and secure.  I had a few friends sit me down and just say honestly that they felt like I was always bringing around different men, and I listened.  They told me if I was REALLY serious about a man and had been dating/no drama they would meet him but they wanted alone time for awhile.  And I listened.  

Not sure if that’s your friend’s part of it, but a good friend WILL be open to what you are saying and maybe you can say ‘Lets us do dinner, catch up, me and you, then we can double date next week because my husband has to work that night/has a family obligation that night/etc’ just a thought.

Good Luck!

Post # 15
Member
1969 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@megz06:  I have a friend just like this.  She behaves badly and then looks to me for approval.  Because she is my friend, I’m comfortable enough to tell her my opinion.  But when I tell her my thoughts, I only do it once and leave it at that.  I love this girl dearly, and don’t feel its my place to judge her or nag her.  So if she pulled what your friend has, then I’d tell her what I thought about the situation, and then leave it at that.  I’m not her mother, her teacher, or her preacher.  I’m her friend.  So if she asked me to go to dinner with her latest flame, I’d go.  I’d be nice, and I’d wish them well.

Post # 16
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would say that if you want to continue being friends with her, then you should probably just suck it up and go. We all do things we don’t like for the people we love, and I think this falls into that category.

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