- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2011
I’m looking for some advice on what to do about a situation i am in. I apologize in advance if this post is long.
So i’m originally from England where i lived my whole life up until 5 years ago (i now live in NY). So whilst living back home I struck up the most amazing friendship with a girl I shall call Marie. Anyway Marie and I were very close and did everything together, but life gets in the way and Marie moved back to northern england (where she is from) and I immigrated to NY. We kept in contact for 4 years and had several wonderful holidays together. So basically we were still besties and worked hard to maintain our friendship long distance. So Marie meets her now FI and they have a baby and plan their wedding for 3 years after their engagement (so a long engagement) .they will be getting married in Oct of this year. I also meet my FI and we are getting married in August of this year.
So of course we can’t imagine not going to each others wedding, so i make sure my date is good with her and she does the same with me. FI and I consquenetly plan our entire honeymoon (Going to the greek islands) around a stop in England so we can make her wedding.
So, last septemer Marie and her FI came for a visit in NY for 2 weeks (just before her 30th birthday), and they left the baby at home. We had a wonderful time and we celebrated her birthday early (we threw them a party and i bought her a gift etc), she would be back in england for her ACTUAL bday. This was Sept. Fast forward a couple of months to Dec and it is approaching her babies 1st bday. So in this couple of months FI and I were having a pretty hard time as he caught a major bacterial infection and consquently needed a lot of (expensive) treatment (no health insurance at this point). Also my father who had promised us some money for the wedding was no longer able to contribute. So basically FI and i were freaking out we had no money, and i was worried about saving for the wedding, FI’s illness etc. So in this time i had been trying to contact Marie to update her on my life, hear about her’s etc. But for the 2 months after their trip she has been avoiding my phonecalls and missing our “skype” dates. So her babies bday is approaching and unable to send a gift (because of money) – i arrange for my FI’s acapella singing group to sing a birthday message for the baby and i figure i will upload this and send as a singing birthday card if you will.
ANYWAY so its the babies bday and i’m trying to contact my friend (again) and she blows me off (again). So finally i ask her over IM if everthing is ok. She then proceeds to tell me that she is very upset becasue as one of her best friends she would expect that i would of sent a gift for babies bday. or at least a physical card. i try to explain to her (again all over IM – which we all know sometimes written word can be read different ways) that i’ve been trying to contact her over the past 2 months to talk about my situation and how i wanted to explain i didnt have any money to send a gift (and i did the singing card which i thought was lovely but hey maybe she wasn’t impressed). So she proceeds to tell me she’s also upset i didnt send HER a birthday card for her 30th. Remember – we celebrated her bday whilst she was in NY (i bought her a gift and had a party) – but as her actual birthday was a week or so after the trip she was expecting another card. THEN (and this is the thing that really upset me), she tells me that whilst shes being honet she wants to tell me that she feels like i didnt support her enough through her post-natal depression (the earlier year). (she only told me about it a couple of months AFTER she was diagnosed). At the time when she told me after her diagnosis I would text her and ask her how she was doing and she would always respond with that she was ok and was trying to get through it all for the sake of the baby. Now bear in mind this is all over text message as she doesnt have a house phone so i can’t call her. basically she told me she thought my text messages always seemend like they were too short and she felt i didnt care. So i asked her if she was feeling like this why on earth wouldnt she tell me when it was occurring. Her response was “i didnt want to talk about it – i just wanted to get on with things”. so she has been carrying around this resentment towards me and never told me, so it obviously built up and exploded over the bday cards. She tells me she thinks i’m a fair weather friend, only there for the the good times and not through the bad. So i’m devastated as i really don’t want to lose her (over a card), but had no idea she was going through any of this, and upset with the things she has said
So i dip in to my (WEDDING!) budget to send her a big hamper of wine and food. (which she doesnt acknowledge). So we try to move on, she doesn’t want to discuss the fight and wants to move on. I, on the other hand, feel like we NEED to discuss this before we can move on. So since the fight happend (New Years) we have moved into a really awkward text friendship. basically just focusing on our wedding plans.
FI and I have booked our honeymoon flights so were still plannign on going to her wedding. But with regards to my wedding she had not booked her flights. She asks me if its ok if she can stay at our (1 bedroom) apartment whilst over for the wedding as she wont be able to afford flights and a hotel. i tell her that i’m not 100% sure as FI might be using the apt as his getting ready place. so she then tells me unless she can stay there she wont be able to come. and that also it wont be worth it for her to come to my wedding for 2 days if i can’t promise her the apt, and also promise her that i will spend lots of time with her. well as most of us on here know (planning a wedding) – the w’end of your wedding will be crazy, you will be so busy running around i can’t promise ANYONE that i will be spending a lot of time with them. So I give her an “out” and tell her its ok if she doesn’t come – i know its a lot of money and i won’t force it on anyone (i’ve already had 2 british BM’s cancel because of costs). so she decides she is not coming to our wedding. Which is fine.
So now the question is, we still have this whole unsettled fight, its just not the same with us anymore. I honestly feel like she doesnt want us at her wedding as well but is stuck because of obligation. But as of right now – we WILL be in the country for her wedding as we had planned our honeymoon accordingly. Do i go to her wedding (be the bigger person)? Should i just flat out ask her if she wants us there and try and address our issues between us? right now i just don’t feel comfortable going as its quite an intimate wedding and i don’t want people not wanting us there especially the bride!. URGH! Also she has a rsvp deadline of today (may) for a OCT wedding!
Oh also i should mention i have tried to talk to her about all this over the past few months since the fight but she doesn’t want to talk about it and has avoided my calls. Is she giving me a clear hint here?