(Closed) Should I go to my friends wedding if I don't support it? (long)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?
    Go to the wedding and support Megan as her friend : (105 votes)
    67 %
    Go to the ceremony only to support Megan, but not attend the following celebrations/reception : (16 votes)
    10 %
    Don't go to the wedding at all since I don't support the marriage : (35 votes)
    22 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Tough situation, I feel bad for Megan for not having more respect for herself than to stay with someone who would treat her like that. I actually think its very simple, if you want to keep her as a friend you go to the wedding even though you dont support it and put a smile on your face because thats what your friend wants. If you don’t think you can stay friends with her because of her choices thats when you step back and dont attend the wedding. I think those are the only ways about it. If you tell her how you feel you risk losing her, if you dont go to the wedding surely you will lose her, if you go and be there for her you’ll keep her. You just have to weigh out how much you want to stay friends.

    Post # 4
    Member
    501 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2023

    I think you need to be there, in order to show her that you support her, even if you don’t support what she’s doing. If you don’t go, you risk cutting all ties with her – and it sounds like she might need you down the line, when she finds out that he’s been off with someone else again. At some point she might decide to leave him, and she will need you then.

    Post # 5
    Member
    9143 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    If you value the friendship and want it to continue then you should attend the wedding.

    If you are okay with losing her forever to this guy then skip the wedding.  It sounds like you’re not very friends at this point anyway.  However, you mentioned that you have mutual friends.  Is breaking up your friendship with Meghan going to affect any mutual friendships you have?  Are you willing to lose those friedns if they take sides?

    Post # 6
    Member
    219 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Wow. I read through this quickly (so apologies if I missed anything), but he seems like a complete A$$HOLE! I don’t blame you for feeing wrong about him and feeling torn about the situation. Honestly, if you have talked to her and clearly expressed your concern for her situation (which sounds like it is already affecting her general health and well-being, physically, mentally, and emotionally), there’s not much you can do to change the situation. She sounds like she’s pretty convinced that they are getting married, and that is that…no discussion. It’s difficult to get someone to see the other side when they are so fixated on their own view on the matter.

    In terms of going to the wedding, that’s a really tough one. I would imagine that NOT going would have a serious impact on your friendship. I can imagine that she might consider cutting off contact from those who don’t support her, simply because people in those kinds of situations often don’t like others pointing out the issues. So, do you want to keep her as a friend? By the sounds of it, she has been completely brainwashed and manipulated by this jerk. Is she even the same friend that you were so close with before?

    My thought about it is this: If you want to keep her has a friend, go to the wedding. It sucks, but I think that it would be hard for her to forgive you if you didn’t, even if it was because you care about her. My mom recent split from my stepdad, and I was shocked to see how many of their previous friends were so quick to dump on her after the fact, because my former stepdad is so manipulative and convinced them all that my mom was the problem (trust me, i grew up with this guy, she wasn’t). She learned quickly who her true friends are. This situation makes me think that *real friends* are those who stick with you through thick and thin. They are the friends that will say: I love you, which is why I’m telling you you’re making a mistake. But, if you want to make that mistake, I will be there for you no matter what. 

    If you do support her dispite disliking the situation, and a year from now, she splits with him, I know she will appreciate having you there by her side, and she will feel comfortable calling you up to tell you that yes, she was wrong. On the other hand, if you don’t support her in this marriage, she may find herself even more alone and I doubt that she would be quick to try to make amends.

    I don’t know if that helps at all…but I hope it gives you some food for thought. It is really a tough situation, but my personal opinion is that you should tell her your concerns (seriously lay.them.all.out.explicitly.) but then support her no matter what she decides. Don’t let him win this one by taking her away from you.

    *hugs*

    Post # 7
    Member
    11753 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I feel so sad for your friend. What a horrible life she must be living. It sounds truly awful. I feel so sad she doesn’t have more self respect than to realize she deserves better. If she is truly set on going through with the marriage I don’t thikn you can change it. I do think you should support her though in it to show her you will be there for her no matter what – through everything – including when it doesn’t work (because it won’t).  

    Post # 8
    Member
    3574 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Althought I would not support this marraige either, it’s not your job to support/not support it or judge it.  Your only job is to be there for her on her special day. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    945 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    You definitely need to go. She’s going to need the support of you and her other friends now more than ever.

    Post # 10
    Member
    5969 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    It’s nice that you care so much about your friend, but there’s a line between concern and interference…sometimes you gotta sit back and watch the train wreck happen, even though it’s agony, and once it’s all over, you go sift through the wreckage with your friend, because that is what a friend is really for, helping you through it, not saving you from it.

    Post # 11
    Member
    9955 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Wow, this sounds awful… I can understand WHY you are divided in your loyalties.

    Here’s my personal take…

    In some religions (including various Christian Denominations), the attendance at a Wedding is a show of support for the marriage … it is for example, well known that the Bridal Party are there to “stand up” for the couple, but in some churches the congregation is called upon as well “We are gathered here today to witness and celebrate the marriage of ___ & ___ ” or in some cases, even more specifically there is a reference to the “church community” making a commitment to love & support the couple as they make their way on the journey of life (wording can differ from church to church)

    Therefore, because I strongly believe that just like the couple takes a Vow of Marriage, and I as a witness am also taking a vow to support the marriage, I would not go (otherwise, it can be awkward to make an exit, if something comes up in the wording, that you feel you can not support… never mind the fact that of course he’ll say “keeping only onto you” when the Groom takes his Marriage Vows)

    BUT that doesn’t mean, I wouldn’t support your friend… because trust me, as someone who was in an Abusive Marriage for 20+ years, when “the light” finally goes on for her and she decides that this isn’t a healthy relationship she will be DESPERATE (and majorly confused and hurt) looking to find a workable solution to get out… by then there may be kids to care for, and finances so entwined that the reality of leaving will be a challenge (or nightmare) for her.

    THAT is when she will need her friends the most.  Be that friend.

    For today, you need to send her a Card and a Gift… the latter only if you choose (and then I’d make the gift more about her than him… maybe something girlie like a teapot and 2 teacups… but that is just me).  The Card should be cheerful, and signed with Love and your name.  That is all… no need to elaborate on how you won’t be attending the wedding.  Just return the RSVP card marked “Regrets”

    Somewhere down the road after the Wedding.  Write her a personal note.  Tell her you were sorry you didn’t attend, but in light of the conversation that you had with her recently, you just couldn’t find it in your heart to forgive the Groom for how he has hurt your dearest friend.  Then tell her that if she should ever need ANYTHING… including a roof over her head, that you will gladly help her out (and mean it)

    She may not like your note, she may not reply, infact she may never speak to you again for as long as she is in LOVE with this guy, and married to him.

    But as a woman who was as I say in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship myself, I can tell you, she will REMEMBER this tidbit… and WHO exactly said they’d be there for her when she needs it most.  And so maybe one day 3, 5, 10 or 25 years down the road, you may very well get a phonecall, email or facebook message reaching out from afar.

    I know this is rough… not being there for your friend.  But lets face it, her married to him, and your chances of socializing with the 2 of them would have been slim to none anyhow

    Sometimes in life, we are forced to make BIG decisions for the greater good… this would IMO be one of them.  You LOVE your friend, you need to tell her.  You need to say you will respect her choice, but you may not agree with it, because you truly believe she is an AMAZING person and DESERVES so much more.  BUT YOU WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER… and will be available if she should ever need your help… no Questions asked.

    (( HUGS ))

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    110 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I felt this way when my sister married this a-hole alpha male cop, he was such a jerk. I went to the wedding and not even six months later I found my sister handcuffed to their bed because he felt that since she was angry and yelling at him during a normal couple fight, it was an appropriate reaction to restrain her and then leave!! Ummmmm no. I packed her stuff up that day and dragged her to my house and that was that. That really scared her and she finally saw what we did. I shudder to think what would happen if I didn’t keep an eye on her and didn’t pop over to see her often, how long would he have left her like that? What else would he have done? Not saying this guy your friend is with is that extreme, but abuse comes in many forms from carefully hidden to extreme, and your friend needs someone in her corner.

    You should go. She needs to know you will be there through thick and thin. When this blows up later, she will need you. It sounds like hes shredded her confidence so you probably will need to watch her closely and make sure she’s not getting depressed. It’s a dangerous slope shes on. For me and my sister, I felt right in tearing her away from that situation, yes I was bossy and maybe people think I overstepped, but those people never walked in on their frightend sister handcuffed to a bed histerically crying either! For you, being there is the only thing you really can do, so definitely do that.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2196 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    That’s really sad. I think you should keep supporting and being there for your friend. She is clearly going through and going to keep going through a tough part in her life.

    Post # 14
    Member
    672 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @This Time Round:  +1. I couldn’t have said it better myself. 

    @mrsButterworth:  Personally I couldn’t go because I would be tempted to speak up when the officiant asks if anyone knows cause why these two shouldn’t be married. I would hate to ruin someone’s wedding by doing that, but in this case I would feel obligated to. Good luck with your decision. Make sure to lean on your husband cause he knows you best and can help you through this tough time. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    1686 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    If you love your friend, and you want to keep being her friend, go to the wedding.

    Megan’s a big girl, and it’s her right to make her own choices, whether you think they’re mistakes or not. Boycotting her wedding as a passive aggressive way of expressing disapproval of those choices is childish.

    But if the situation is just too difficult for you, knowing that she’s making bad choices, that she’s setting herself up for heartbreak, and you just don’t have the emotional reserves to put into that kind of friendship, it’s okay to let it go. 

    I don’t want to be cold about this, but you have a whole new phase of your life coming on, and if this friendship is going to be about Megan and Steve drama and just drag you down and tap you out emotionally trying to be supportive without being judgmental even though it’s her own damn fault for making bad choices, maybe it’s time to put it on a shelf.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1770 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I went through a VERY similar situation with a friend a few years ago. I did go to the ceremony and gave them my congratulations, but I couldn’t bring myself to go to the reception. I just couldn’t “celebrate” their marriage knowing everything he had done to her and how wrong I thought everything was. It ruined our friendship, but I don’t regret it.

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