- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
My friend is getting married in 2 weeks and I don’t support the marriage. I met my friend Megan 6 years ago in university and we quickly became best friends. She was bright, outgoing, carefree and independent and everyone loved her. From the time we met she was dating her boyfriend Steve. Something about him never sat right with me, but he was nice enough so I didn’t say anything. I spoke with other friends about this feeling, and when I started dating my boyfriend 2 years later, he felt the same way.
Time went on and I, as well as other mutual friends of Megan and I, continued to feel the same but the couple seemed happy so we left it alone. It was two years later, and Megan found out that Steve had cheated on her 3 times over the previous 6 months. He had cheated with one of his ex-girlfriends all 3 times. It was not like they were drunk ‘oopsies’ cheating, they were planned out where the ex came over to Megan & Steve’s place while Megan was at work/school. Obviously Megan was crushed, but decided to give him another chance since they had been together for 3 years. I looked at it like he had already had his 3 chances, and should be out, but Megan insisted she wanted to work things out and that he was really sorry. His excuse was that he felt a lot of pressure from Megan’s family (who are quite religious) to get married. Lame excuse if you ask me.
To find out that he did this after always having a ‘bad feeling’ about him, I tried hard to be supportive of Megan staying with him. For some time it seemed like things were getting better for the couple, but then I and other friends noticed that Megan wasn’t coming out with us as much, and when she did she seemed to be constantly checking her phone for contact with Steve to see what he was up to. In other words, she started to become quite anxious about his whereabouts and it took away from her happy, carefree spirit. She became more withdrawn from me and I saw her less and less, especially after we finished school, but we stayed in touch and got together now and then.
When I got engaged last year, Megan congratulated us, but I didn’t feel it was totally genuine. I think she was annoyed that I was engaged to someone I’d dated for less time than her and Steve, and she seemed to withdraw from me more. I was sad that we had grown apart because at one time, I would’ve thought she’d be my maid of honour. Now, I wasn’t even asking her to be a bridesmaid. Five months after my engagement, Megan told me that her and Steve had gotten engaged. Although I was initially happy, all the things in their past started to bother me and I began to hope their engagement would ‘blow over.’
I was busy focusing on my wedding and Megan continued to be somewhat distant, so there weren’t any opportunities for me to ask about her relationship and her happiness. Once my wedding was all over with this past June, I started to think more about Megan and Steve. When I did see them he continued to treat her less than what I would expect from a fiance. He didn’t seem to be proud to be engaged, and still continued to flirt with other girls. One day in July I stopped in at their house and he made some inappropriate comment to Megan’s maid of honour. I saw how annoyed Megan was and I couldn’t believe she was going to marry someone who didn’t treat her like #1.
About 1.5 months ago, Megan invited me over to hang out, a very rare thing to happen in the past few years. I planned to talk to her about how I didn’t think Steve treated her well, and that she didn’t have to marry him, that she deserved better. Before I could even say any of this however, she informed me that she had recently learned that Steve had been cheating on&off for the past 5 years with Megan’s maid of honour!! Although I was shocked, it didn’t totally surprise me that he would have done this. I always felt he didn’t treat her right and now I knew why I felt that way.
Megan was obviously devastated, but then said that they were still going to get married. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I told her what I’d planned to say to her that night but she maintained that they were going to get married. She had learned about this affair a month before telling me, so she told me how they had been attending counselling and they were learning about why he cheated and how her low confidence was contributing. She went on about how much they’ve both changed so that they have a healthier relationship. I wish I could believe it but I just don’t see how he could’ve changed so much, plus we all behave better when the spotlight is on us. What’s going to happen after things settle down, or when they have kids and she has less time for him? I’ve realized Megan didn’t tell me all the details, which tells me she’s not telling the complete truth to everyone. I’ve heard info from diffferent friends like that he didn’t admit to the cheating, she caught them through texts on his phone. Also I learned that it wasn’t just physical cheating, they had a full-blown relationship that he had no intention of ending any time soon.
One of our mutual friends was over a couple weeks ago and witnessed Steve come home from work and without saying hi, began yelling at Megan about not cleaning the blender. Our friend had only been over maybe an hour but after Steve asked Megan to “have a talk with him”, Megan asked our friend to leave. It’s clear that he hasn’t totally changed, and yet Megan tells me they’re ‘done counselling’. I feel like she’s rushing into this marriage to save their pride since she doesn’t have enough confidence to leave him. I feel Steve has crushed her happy, independent persona and has made her come to think that she doesn’t deserve anything better and couldn’t live without him. I told her she should consider even just postponing the wedding to let things settle but she says “we’re going to get married eventually anyways, so we may as well do it now.” I’ve even told her that the pain, embarassment, and financial loss that may occur by postponing the wedding, is nothing compared to that that would come with divorce, but she’s determined to be married to him.
I love her and want to continue to be friends, I want to be there for her if she needs it, but I honestly can’t support the marriage. I feel like if I go to the wedding I honestly won’t be happy for them, and will feel awkward celebrating with a bunch of people (including his parents) that don’t know anything about this cheating. It seems like a giant lie and I don’t want to support it, but at the same time I don’t want to lose a friend over something that might work out. At the same time, I feel like I’ve somewhat lost her as a friend already… I don’t know what to do!!! I need more words of wisdom!