Weddingbee boards

My oldest friend (and maid of honor) is getting married this summer and I don't know if i should go to her wedding. When I was engaged, she was the first person other than my parents that I phoned and I asked her to be my MOH. Months later, during the reception, she was SO mopey. She wouldn't talk to anyone or even dance with me. She later told me how guilty she felt for not being able to help more with the wedding planning etc (She lives on the other side of the country from me - where i am from - and had to travel.) I told her not to feel bad etc. and I understood and wasn't upset.

Last winter she got engaged to her longtime BF and I found out via FACEBOOK along with the rest of the world. I was hurt. I tried calling her and she was too busy to talk and would call me in a couple days. Over the next few conversations she mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was having bridesmaids or not. I left it at that. Months later I found out (not from her) that she has asked 2 girls to be her bridesmaids. I am hurt and embarrassed that she didn't ask me. I find myself making excuses for her when people are surprised I'm not a bridesmaid. I know by having her as my MOH that does not guarantee me a space as a bridesmaid, but I at least thought it would warrant an explanation. I keep telling myself that she does not want me to feel the guilt that she did for being so far away and unable to help with planning, but she has avoided bringing up the topic when we do talk. I'm afraid to come out and ask her because in our friendship, she always wins those arguments, and refuses to be wrong.

Fast forward to current day. My employer has offered to pay for me to attend an intense accounting program. Basically, every Saturday of my summer would be spent in class. It's an amazing opportunity, and I'm afraid it would reflect poorly on me if I was to decline. Attendance is MANDATORY. You have to have a Dr's note with a legit illness to miss even one class, and they are unwilling to make an exception for vacation (ie. me traveling to go to her wedding.)

I am now faced with: Do I go to the wedding or not? If not, I will make the trip in December for Christmas (my family lives there). Could it mean the end of our "friendship" if I don't go? I don't want to appear childish for not going - because I'm not in the wedding party. But I feel terrible going all the same.

Help!

I had a similar situation.  i went to the wedding (the church bit) but not the reception, knew someone else getting married same day (not a close friend or anything) so went to that reception instead.  She wasnt very happy but I felt ok that at least i showed up for the main bit.

Thank you for all of your responses! I've got a lot to think about. A couple people suggested that perhaps I am using work as an excuse not to go. Although, it would be a reason for me being unable to attend, I am not looking for an excuse. It's purely coincidental. But, judging by your responses, I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't see it that way.

I know it's hard for you to understand the complexity of our friendship. It definatley has changed over the years. We've had our ups and downs as most friendships have, and we've grown apart due to the distance and time difference.But what I'm feeling now has been a result of years of buildup. I have always been the loyal friend. I have been walked all over and tossed aside for someone new countless times, and yet I am always there when they return. I feel that I'm holding onto this friendship because of how long we have been friends, not because we are actually good friends anymore.

It's a hard pill to swallow when you finally realise this. Clearly I have a lot to think about.

Thanks ladies! I appreciate all your feedback!

You should probably go if you two are close enough friends that you asked her to be your MOH. If the friendship has deteriorated, however and neither of you have made much of an effort to keep the friendship going strong, I think you have some good excuses not to show up. I take it you'd have to travel for the wedding, and you also have this program that requires mandatory attendence. You may travel the whole way to her wedding, only to find her stand offish like she has been to you lately. This will definitely make you regret making the trip. I would honestly assess your friendship, is it worth it? Is it worth traveling, and missing a class, IF she were to just ignore you the whole time? It's your call. Either way, definitely send a gift.

@ChefDori:  This sounds pretty much like our situation. It feels like we're both avoiding admitting our friendship has changed. She refuses to talk on the phone with me. She says because she teaches all day, she has no desire to talk on the phone, plus she's 4 hours ahead of me.  So, we email, but it's hard to keep up with the day to day like it used to be, so we really only email once in a while with general updates.

I have tried bringing it up and it backfired miserably. For years she had made public appeals via facebook about everything from being lonely, friendless, unhappy and alone. I've always been hurt by this, because I have always been there for her. But she always wants someone else. SO, after seeing all kinds of wedding related posts and updates on her progess, I brought it up in an email. I said I was surprised that she hadn't mentionned any of this in her emails, or that she had even found her dress! She fired back to "just let me enjoy being engaged". I was so shocked and embarassed that she said that. That was the last thing I was expecting, because she didn't seem to be having much fun at all.

I was trying to be supportive and let her know, despite the distance, that I was here for her and whatever she needed. I gave her space but let her know she had my support. She also told me she was most likely not going to have bridesmaids.

I know this probably makes me sound crazy, but I was trying so hard to delicatley balance by support as to not appear overly supportive and uninterested. Clearly it was an epic failure.

@billieUK:  It's an 8 hour flight away...

I would do the class