Post # 1
My boyfriend’s brother is getting married in July and I’m having a really hard to deciding if I should attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s brother and fiancé have caused a lot of drama for us lately and have started rumors about us to make us look bad to my boyfriend’s family. I also would have to fly to the wedding and it would take up a whole weekend with the rehearsal dinner and the wedding and the bridal shower. My boyfriend is stepping down from man of honor because his brother has been so unkind to us and my boyfriend doesn’t think he’ll be able to write a speech because he doesn’t have anything positive to say. So I didn’t want to go but my family and my boyfriends sister, who I’m very close to, think I should. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years and I’ve never met my boyfriends extended family because they live in a different country but they are flying in for the wedding. So people keep telling me I should go to the wedding to meet the rest of my boyfriend’s family and to be supportive of my boyfriend. My boyfriend is totally indifferent whether I come or not so he’s been no help. I don’t know if not going would create trouble with my boyfriend’s family in the future and if I should just suck it up and go. What do you think I should do?
Post # 2
My first thought would be that no, you are in no way required to go to the wedding of someone you dislike and who has made life hard for you.
BUT the rest of your post makes it sound like your boyfriend is going either way and in that case I would say that yes you should accompany him. You don’t have to be happy for the brother and you sure as hell don’t have to act like nothing ever happened, but you should go with your boyfriend, enjoy his company, meet his extended family members, and be the bigger person.
Post # 3
bambii : I would go. You obviously plan to stick with your boyfriend for a while and you not going is just another thing the brother will hold over your head. Don’t let this one bitchy couple keep you from meeting the other important people in your boyfriends life.
Post # 4
bambii : Honestly, the thing that would probably piss them off more than anything is if you show up looking fantastic and happy with your boyfriend.
Post # 5
i would go to the wedding, to support my boyfriend. and i would go to the rehearsal, since you would both be invited to that. but i would skip the shower. why is the shower the same weekend as the wedding?
Post # 6
Go for two reasons: 1) support your boyfriend during a sucky day and 2) keep the rumors down; it’s a lot harder to convince extended family that there is something wrong with you if they met you at a family event and liked you just fine. If you don’t go, it’s easily twisted to make you look bad.
Post # 7
ajillity81 : ya I didn’t think of that… I probably won’t go to the shower. It seems like the bride is not having a batchelorette party and is having a shower instead. She’s doing it on that weekend so a lot of the people from out of town can come. She also doesn’t have any friends where she lives and of her three bridesmaids, only one actually likes her so I think she’s doing it on that weekend so she can have a shower with more than a few people.
Post # 8
bambii : how serious are you and your boyfriend? do you think you’ll marry him? if not, then i don’t really see any point in going. but if you see a future for the two of you down the road, then it’s probably best not to be the woman who boycotted the BIL’s wedding – those are your future family, and people with whom you’re going to interact the rest of your life (and i don’t just mean the BIL, but the whole family – they’ll all remember that you didn’t go to the wedding). do you want to be that woman to your in-laws? or, despite how nasty they have been to you, would you like to be the bigger person?
Post # 9
catskillsinjune : thanks for your comment! Those questions really help. We are planning on getting married. We’ve talked about it a lot and we both know we would already be married if we weren’t both in school and living in different countries. But we are actively making plans to get married as soon as we graduate so his family is going to be in my life for a very long time.
Post # 10
In that case , yes go and look your absolute best and be gracious and charming and thus piss them all off royally.
Oh, and if you don’t go to the shower , make sure you send your gift to it and have a good excuse to give for not going.
Post # 11
I would probably say I couldn’t make it in for the shower because of flight times, etc. I don’t think this is necessarily a place to make a stand, but there are a lot of good reasons you wouldn’t be able to extend your trip for the shower. But definitely go to the wedding. Not only will it prevent a rift in your BFs family, but your BIL and his wife will be so busy on the day of that you will probably be able to just hang out with BF and meet his family without interacting much with the couple at all.