Post # 1
My SO and I were together a short time before he was moved out of state (Army). We have been doing the long distance thing for a while now, but we really just want to be together. Since he can’t come to me, and it’s fairly easy for me to find a job (teacher), we have decided that i will move to him in June – from Texas to Colorado.
We talked about marriage and we didn’t set anything in stone but we did go look at a possible venue when I went to visit once, and I made it clear that by moving up there that I was expecting us to get married eventually – he was agreeable to this.
I am totally in love with this guy and he is with me. However, now that I have agreed to move up there, I feel like he has put the idea of marriage on the back burner. I, on the other hand, think about it all the time. I am quitting my job, leaving my family and friends and moving to a whole other state to be with him. I don’t expect us to get married right away, but I do want to know that it is in our long term plan.
I brought it up one day recently and we had THE TALK. He has been married before and it ended badly – they are still in custody battle for their two kids. That has made him scared of the idea of ever marrying again. Also, he is super shy/private and I have a HUGE extended family that would be attending the wedding. When we had the TALK he said things like ‘i don’t need to have a wedding to prove I love you…I don’t believe in God so the ceremony seems superfluous to me” etc. I don’t bring it up to him a lot but during THE TALK I straight up asked him – “Why did you go look at this possible venue with me if you weren’t serious about getting married?’ and he said ‘I thought we were just having fun.’ I expressed to him that marriage is important to me and my beliefs. I asked him if he planned on ever marrying me and he said ‘Well if I say no I am pretty much guaranteeing that I will never get married’ — Basically he loves me and wants to be with me, but he is not sure if he ever wants to get married again. He knows that if he comes right out and says that we will never get married that I will not stay with him.
We love each other desperately and want to be together so badly. All these months apart have not changed our feelings for each other and I still want to be with him all the time.
Should I go ahead and move and hope that time will change his opinions on getting married? Should I stay here and tell him we will do the long distance thing until he decides whether or not marriage is in our future? If I do that, I feel like I am forcing him to marry me. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Would you be okay just living together forever and not being married?
Post # 3
What a difficult dilemma. I personally think he’s letting you know that he’s not into marriage at this stage in his life. I am sure a lot of it stems from the custody battle, but maybe y’all should continue the LDR until he’s in a better place with his children. Also, it may bode well for you two not to live together until after the custody is settled because that becomes a change in circumstance and sometimes the court doesn’t look kindly on living with a person and not being married to that person. Good luck!
Also, welcome to the Hive!
Post # 4
I totally agree with crebre. Living together during custody issues is potentially ….complicated.
This sounds really hard. I suppose the best thing may be to continue with the LDR for a bit so you can both sort out what you want from your relationship. It’s understandable that he’s wary of marrying again but if after a time you’ve determined that there is no compromise and marriage is a deal breaker for you, he needs to know that so that he can evaluate too.
Post # 5
I think you should wait as well. First of all, you don’t want to mess up his custody case since you aren’t his wife and the kids mother might not want her kids living with you when you two aren’t married yet. Also, it isn’t really a great time to be out of a job. You don’t want to move out and then not be able to find a job. Just take your time with it and things will work out for you.
Post # 6
I strongly advise for you to continue with a LDR until he is ready for marriage. That is a huge move for you, especially with children involved. If he’s the one, a LDR will work as well as a SDR. Good luck sweetheart; I so feel for you in this situation. I think you’ll regret moving without the ring from him and eventually start resenting him when the marriage doesn’t come soon enough. Good luck.
Post # 7
I agree with what everyone has said before. The custody issue is huge for him, I’m surprised he hasn’t realized that. And if marriage is that important to you and he’s not ready, it’s just not fair to have you uproot your life when he cannot tell you he will ever be ready. Good luck to you, it sounds like he’s a very nice guy who just might need some time to get acclimated to the idea.
Post # 8
Custody issues aside I have a question about your job situation. I’m a teacher too. Do you currently have tenure? Do you know for a fact that they are hiring teachers where he is currently? I don’t know anything about the army so I don’t know how it works but is he going to be staying in his current state or moving around more? If he’s moving around more are you going to have to keep changing jobs?
I only ask these teaching/job related questions because where I live it is VERY difficult to get a job and I know it is like that in many other states as budgets are continuously cut.
Post # 9
*hugs* I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you, but I agree with everyone who tells you to stay where you are and tough out the LDR for right now. Custody issues are complicated and stressful and he won’t be able to give you or marriage the proper attention it deserves until he gets those issues dealt with. Plus, the change in status might be a hindrance in the eyes of the court.
Post # 10
I also think you should stay where you are. Custody issues aside, you just should not move without a committment from him that he will marry you since that is obviously very important to you. What if you move hoping that he’ll change his mind, but then he doesn’t and says he still doesn’t want to get married? I just don’t think that you can expect someone to change their mind about something like that. And I’m assuming that since there still is a custody battle that the divorce was within the last year or two, so he’s probably just not at a place where he wants to get married again right away. I say stay in the LDR. If it was meant to work out, then it’ll work out as a LDR until he’s ready to give you the committment you want (and deserve), plus you won’t have to worry about finding another job in this economy.
Post # 11
Custody issues aside, I think you need to ask yourself (and him) some important questions. “Would you stay with someone forever but never become their wife? Is gettng married an absolute dealbreaker?” If the answer is “yes”, than you definately don’t need to move to Colorado so quickly. It will take some serious soul-searching and questioning to decide the future of your relationship, and it sounds like a really tough thing to do!! The last thing you want is for you and him to have different expecatations (him thinking you’re gonna move and never push getting married; you thinking you’ll eventually be married). Although, visiting that site “for fun” sounds like a lame excuse.
Best of luck ((HUGS))
Post # 12
I agree with the pps. Wait it out. I would worry about the custody case because the court may not look kindly on him for living with a woman he isn’t married to AND the mom may have something to say.
On the job thing, if you do move-be SURE you can get a job. In the good old days (before the recession) teaching jobs were handed out like candy. You could find a job anywhere. Now, the competition is so tight because most people aren’t leaving the profession or going to different districts because they are afraid with this economy. Be careful.
I’d wait it out.
Post # 13
I would also be careful about the job situation. I don’t know about where you are planning to move but here teaching jobs are almost impossible to find. A few years ago if you taught Science, Math or Sped you could always find a job. This is no longer the case. Aside from the other issues I wouldn’t give up a job in this economy.
Post # 14
If you do decide to move, definitely check on job availability out there, as some cities are firing teachers. Also, you should check out the salary differences, benefits the districts offer (or don’t), and if there are any additional requirements that state has for teachers.
Post # 15
The way you put it “do I move, hoping he will change his mind”… is whatconcerns me… The only way you should move with him, is if you can be happy with the situation as it is. If you change your whole life for a situation that is not satisfying for you, you’ll end up unhappy in a place where you have no support system (friends, family) around you to help you, and end up resenting him and regretting your decision if that change does not happen. I agree with the person who talked about the soul searching. Determine what exactly is important/dealbreaker for you, and your SO should do the same. Do that before you move in together, this is not a simple move, it’s all your life.
Post # 16
Thanks for all of your wonderful comments. There has actually been a breakthrough with his custody case since I wrote the first post, and the lawyer said they will be finalized by February (Since they take most of December off for vacation – grrr!)
I think I already knew what I should do when I wrote this post but I just didn’t want to face up to it 🙁 I am going to stay here in Texas for another year and reevaluate at that point. He is really sad about it, but understands where I am coming from and has been very supportive. He said that maybe by that time things will be settled enough and he will have had enough time to feel differently about the idea of marrying again.
Thank you so much for all of your support! I love this place!