Post # 1
heres the deal: my future BIL HATES me. he has spread vicious lies about me to his family and friends. he doesnt talk to me and wont even say my name to my FI. he has done everything to exclude me from his life. in recent weeks. he began to be friendly with my FI again. and now, after having been asked once before, he wants to be a groomsman. this came as a shock to both my FI and myself because my FBIL never wanted to have anything to do with me or this wedding and now he wants to be involved. im happy with the amount of bridesmaids/groomsmen we have. so my question to you is this: should i find a way to involved my FBIL or should he just be a guest at the wedding?
Post # 3
I realize that you had a lot of problems in the past, but espeically when it comes to family, reconciliation is the best way to go. DOES he hate you, or DID he hate you? (i.e. has he gotten over it?)Maybe he was jealous of your relationship, your closeness with his brother, or he had other things going on his life.
I think you should discuss with your FBIL ways that he has hurt you, and clear the air before asking him to be involved. You can’t move forward until the slate is clean. Also, I don’t think you have to ask him to be a GM if you have the wedding party set, but you should definitely give him another chance, and try to find another way for him to be involved.
Family is too important to be constantly at odds with him. And I’m sure your fiance would really appreciate it.
You fiance should be involved in the process with you, for sure. It’s his brother. But if his heart has changed and you’re willing to forgive the past, then I say move forward, including involved him in the wedding. Make sure to communicate about the tension between you and FBIL first, and not just sweep it under the rug.
Post # 4
I think this is really your FI’s call – which also means that he should be the one to deal with the consequences of not involving him and potentially ruining the relationship for good, or involving him and dealing with him possibly reverting back to his old antics and toxic personality.
It is also important for you guys to determine why the sudden change of heart. Was he forced to by the parents and actually still hates you or has he finally decided to be more mature about this whole thing? Also, if you haven’t already, you should try to find out why he disliked you so much to begin with and if those reasons still exist in his head.
Post # 5
I also agree…I think it’s your FIs call since it’s his brother. Of course he should talk with you before he makes his decision, though.
Post # 6
I had a similar situation with my own older brother. We are 13 years apart in age. He was around for my young childhood, but after he got married he disappeared. I basically didn’t see him or speak to him for 13 years (or my parents), even though he had 2 beautiful girls. Unfortunately it took a horrible divorce for him to come back into our lives which occurred just months before my wedding. At first I was skeptic about having him in our wedding, he was never around for any of my other major life events, why should I involve him in the wedding, was what I thought. Then I realized this was an opportunity for reconcilation.
We didn’t make him a groomsmen, because my DH didn’t know him, just of him. So we made him a participant in our wedding through seating guest, walking my mom down the aisle, bring up the offetory, etc. He really enjoyed it, it didn’t take offense to not being a groomsmen. Needless to say we have a much better relationship.
While it is not your brother, this could very well be a reconciliation opportunity for the two of you, he is soon to be family after all. It is however your FIs brother so as many have said before he is more than likely going to deal with thre reprocussions, but at the same time it you and your FIs wedding. I think it should be a joint decision and something you should discuss, but just realize your decision now can (and likely will) affect all future relations with him.
Post # 7
thank you guys for all the advice. i would love to believe he is for real, but i just dont. he wasnt forced to ask my FI if he could be a groomsman. in fact, his father is not going to be involved at all in the wedding and might not even show up! so it has nothing to do with his family. even if i wanted to, i couldnt talk to him…he wont look at me, let alone talk to me. im torn: he has treated me so horribly in the past and still will notacknowledge me, but he is my FI’s family. and i know ultimately it is my FI’s decision,but he is deferring to me on this one.
Post # 8
I think sometimes that emotions run highest at weddings and funerals and they both bring out the best and worst in relatives.
If you can muster it, let your FI decide but lean towards forgiveness and taking the higher ground. This way, if fBIL acts out or is rude at the wedding, your H can handle him and deal with him. That takes also the heat off of you and puts it where it belongs..on the BIL.
Post # 9
Why has he been so rude to you and treat you so disrespectfully? Maybe your FI had a talk with him and told him he needs to knock it off, and now he feels guilty about being so rude? That said, hopefully he has turned over a new leaf and realizes you will now be family, so he is going to accept it and be nice! I do wonder why the sudden change of heart, though. But, my FI had a friend who was kind of rude to me, and I mentioned it to my FI, who talked to the friend. Turns out he wasn’t intentionally being rude, he was just tired that I was around all the time! From then on, he always made a point to say hello. And I made a point of giving the guys some space
Post # 10
ejs4y8 – the reason why my FBIL is treating me this way is unknown. i do know that 1. he is a misogynist and 2. he has hated every woman that my FI has dated. my FI has not spoken to him about me in the longest time, so that is not the reason why FBIL wants to be involved. in fact, i dont think ive ever had a conversation with the guy. and i know for sure he realizes what he is doing. him and my FI have talked a few times about this situation with no resolution. i just feel kinda weird that i am supposed to be the bigger of the two of us and let him into my wedding when he doesnt give a sh*t about me.
Post # 11
I disagree with the whole premise of the question, because really, this isn’t your choice. It’s your FI’s brother, and your FI’s side of the wedding party, so it’s entirely his choice on whether to include him or not. Just stay out of it.
Post # 12
Yea it is your fiance’s call. but remember, friends come and go but family will always be there… better not to burn bridges before he even becomes family.
Post # 13
just an update: my FI and i went to his cousins wedding this weekend and my FBIL talked to me (which he has never done). after consulting with me, my FI offered his brother the usher position, to which he replied with a shrug of the shoulders. i think he wanted the groomsmen position or no position. too bad.