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He should have been upfront with what he wanted. You aked to be sure and he said that was fine. I say go with how it is currently.
I agree... if it was so important then he should have spoken up in the beginning. It seems that it would be awkward to ask her to be a bridesmaid after she already knows she isn't in the wedding party. In fact, I am sure that she is content with the situation as well... just explain to your fiance that since she is included everything will be fine. Besides... the bridal party isn't that big of a deal! People will only remember the bride and groom and how in love they looked. Not who was in the bridal party!
i really think your best bet is to graciously invite your FSIL to join the bridal party. she will probably be happy to be included more formally and she is family---she will be in your life for a long time and i think it is best to include her now, forget about the inconvenience it causes by adding her later, and just move forward with her in your BP. you still have plenty of time before your wedding to adjust her role. also, personally, i would not like to be asked to be a "hostess" which sounds a bit more like unpaid labor (maybe you could ask someone YOU are close to, a friend who would understand that you need a bit of extra help, but i wouldnt give the role to any future in-laws, because i think it looks like you are just trying to include them without actually including them, and could be resented in years to come). good luck!
wanted to add---you are right that you gave your FI a chance to get things the way he wanted and he didnt take it, so understandably it is really frustrating that he's changed his mind after you thought everything was sorted out. but if you want a harmonious start to married life, and the joining of your families, it seems like not such a big deal to be the bigger person and let her join. (you even get to say, "i told you so!" to your FI ;-)
I think it will work out best for you in the long run if you go ahead and make her a bridesmaid. It'll be for a few hours...and so not that big of a deal, plus it'll endear you to her as you two become sisters!
Totally agree with jesso and mrs. dee to bee.....I am having my FIs 3 sisters and 1 cousin and only 2 of my friends because family is family and they will become my family and they will be there for the rest of my life no matter what. I think you can sacrifice for a few hours to make your FSIL feel included and start your relationship with her off right!
I'm torn. I would have been hurt if my SIL had not asked me to be a bridesmaid... however, now that you've already selected your bridal party, it might seem like an afterthough to FSIL if you add her way later than your other bridesmaids. Could you have her be a greeter/guestbook person and then have her do a special reading at your ceremony? That might be a nice way to include her without having to add to your bridal party.
And tell your FI enough with adding groomsmen! It gets to a point where the boys start to feel like they are just "one out of ___". Especially if he was selected to be an usher first- if I was that usher, I'd be thinking to myself "So what, I wasn't good enough to be a groomsman before but now I am just because you now need another dude?" Or maybe boys don't think that way. I don't know :).
Either way, I think at this point, both the usher and sis will feel as though including them was an afterthought.
I agree with Miss Root.. It seems a little rude to "upgrade" someone so close to the wedding. If that happened to me, I would think the bride was pressured against her will into doing it (which is the truth, but she shouldn't have to know that) and I would feel uncomfortable and unwanted all day. Best to leave things how they are and just make sure to be extra nice to her on the wedding day and tell her how excited you are to join the fam, etc.
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Here's the deal. My FI and I are getting married in 7 months and are halfway through the planning process. We've selected our wedding party, ushers, hostesses and readers. My FI wanted to include his sister, so we asked her to be a hostess. Before we approached her, I asked him if he was sure he wanted her in that role, because she's going to be moving around, showing guests where facilities are, etc. He said yes, so we included her. Now, after we've chosen everyone and signed contracts, he wants to add one of the ushers as a groomsman and his sister as a bridesmaid. He would have had room for this usher-turned-groomsman if he didn't ask one of his friends to be a groomsman out of obligation (he was in his wedding). When I said I was content with the current arrangement, he started talking over me, then gave the silent treatment. He basically wants her involved, but doesn't want her to do anything. I assured him that she would be available for all photos and wouldn't be working during the ceremony or reception. This addition would also have a financial impact and would compromise our limo space (which we already paid for). I'm extremely flexible, but I don't want to feel obligated to include someone as a bridesmaid when I'm happy with my current choice. Thoughts??