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I can’t decide who to include in my wedding party. I have already asked my best friend to be my maid of honor which was a no-brainer. I have two sisters of my own that I’m very close to and I also have two close college friends that I wanted to include. Here’s the problem…my FH also has two sisters. They are both quite a bit younger than me (5 and 8 years) but the older sister is very close with her brother (my fiancé). When she found out that she might not be a bridesmaid she got really upset and felt left out. I really like both of his sisters and we get along great and have fun together, but I’m not as close to them as I am with my friends. Neither of us have any brothers so my FH is planning on having 5 of his best guy friends be his groomsmen. If I end up having all 4 of our sisters stand up, I know I will feel bad because he has all his friends there and I don’t. It just so happens that all of our siblings are girls so they end up on my side. We don’t like the idea of having a mix of guys and girls on either side or having more girls than guys, so that’s not really an option. I’m not trying to be selfish or exclude anyone, but I just really don’t know what to do. Would it be okay to have his two sisters contribute to the wedding in other ways? Maybe as usherettes? Any advice?
Could include them as candle lighters, Jr. Bridesmaids (I think best idea), Flower girls (flower girls don't have to be really young)
Personally, and it's just my opinion, I feel like it's more important to have family in the bridal party than friends. I had my SIL in the bridal party because I know how big of a role she has played in my husband's life, and if there is anyone closer to him than I am, it would be her. He also had my brothers in the party because my brother closest in age to me is also very close to me. But definitely work it out some how that they can be a part of it, even if they aren't in the party. Give them jobs as ushers or something, or have them do a reading even. Good luck!
How about doing a reading? Also, maybe give them a corsage or someother VIP designation on the day-off?
I think it would be a really nice gesture if you included his sisters. Is it not possible to have all the sisters and your 2 friends? Or would your FI not be able to have 6 guys on his side? There's always the option of an uneven bridal party, but not sure if you would be interested in that.
That's really tough. You don't mention how old the girls are - would it be possible for one or both to be a junior bridesmaid?
If no, I think it's probably worth it to include her, either in place of or addition to, one of your friends. The confusion, hurt and friction generated by leaving her out will likely be substantial, and affect your relationship with your inlaws long after the wedding is over.
Also, I kind of agree with Joeswifey. You may very well always be friends with your closest friends, but FSIL will ABSOLUTELY ALWAYS be a part of your family and represents a part of your FI. Maybe switch out and have the friends do readings?
You COULD put them on his side. :) My brothers are both "bridesmen." ;) They'll be wearing the same thing as the groomsmen, but they'll stand on my side because they're there to support me, not him! Well, okay, *us.* :) I don't think I'll invite them to my bachelorette, though. ;)
You're nto going to like this but I really think having your future SIL in the bridal party is a must. It's a great gesture for you to extend to them and to say, "we're family now and you're important to me". this will also be a great opportunity to bond.
My FI has a sister and a brother. When the brother was getting married, his fiance didn't ask their sister to be in the bridal party. It's about 5 years later and SIL still holds a grudge and feels left out. She occassionally brings it up and says that if her brother cared about her than she would have been in the wedding. Bottom line, you dont' want to be starting your life together with any sort or hostilities on either side of the family. Remember, just because they are standing next to you doesn't mean they are up there just for you. They are there for the both of you.
I went back and forth with this as well. FI's sister is 4 years younger and to be honest there is some family dinamic issues that concerned me. In the end I asked her because she is going to be family for the rest of our lives. I opted to avoid any family issues that might have occured by not asking her.
How does the rest of your FI family feel about them not being in the wedding? Are they expecting you to ask them?
It would be perfectly fine to have your fiance's sisters involved in other ways. I would just make sure to have them feel included. If you have a night where all the girls are helping with invites or whatever, invite them to come along. Have them get ready with the bridesmaids, provided there is room. Just a few suggestions, you don't have to use any of them.
The girls are 16 and 19. My first reaction to her disappointment was to immediately include both of his sisters in the bridal party. But then I started to think about what that would mean for me, and then I was disappointed because I felt like I would really like to have my close friends there with me. My FMIL suggested that they sing and play a song at the ceremony or be ushers, so I don’t think she would be upset if her daughters weren’t bridesmaids. I just want them to feel included in the best way possible...and that I will be happy too :)
Some options-
1) Have them do something else wedding related as the others have suggested (readings, lighting candles, etc)
2) Include them as bridesmaids and be cool with having an uneven bridal party
3) Have them stand on your husband's side
4) Not have them at all and deal with potential drama.
I don't think you should exclude your friends in order to have FSILs though. You will probably end up regretting that one!
As another option, have your two college friends take on reader, greeter, etc. roles.
In my now MOH's wedding, I served as the reader. She couldn't use me as a BM for similar reasons. The thing about friends is that you can be more frank with them and they will (should) be the most accomodating. Just tell them, hey, I have four sisters, but I want you to be a part of this important day.
For all practical purposes, your friends will be the most like BMs because they will party with you and listen to you complain and give you lingerie, etc. Just get them really nice corsages.
Because he has two sisters, not one, you could play the "numbers" card. And I agree, give them another role in the ceremony (not just a "job" but an actual role...reading?)
I had this dilemma for months and eventually ended up adding in my FSIL. But, my FI only has one sister, so it only upped our number of attendants by one, not two.
You do NOT have to exclude your friends for his family members with whom you aren't terribly close. It's really your choice. We can tell you what will keep the most peace—including his sisters—but when it comes down to it, it's most important that you are happy. Whatever decision you make will be the right one, as long as you are careful, thoughtful and considerate.
One thing to mention though...your FSILs will probably take it much harder if they are left out than your friends will. I only say this to remind you that your friends will be much more understanding and forgiving about the situation than his sisters. Just something to think about.
They are quite young to be bridesmaids, there is a lot of responsibility that goes along with the tilte.. Maybe junior bridesmaids would work or I think the suggestions from your FMIL are good ones. I am sorry you are in such a tough spot!
how about having them be jr bridesmaids and walk down the aisle together and sit rather than stand? or something like that? i'd def try to include them if you can. my fsil is 4 years younger than i am and can be very dramatic and isn't close to fi, but i didn't feel right including my brother and his wife, who i'm very close to, without including her. it just does so much for creating family unity--my fmil was so grateful that i asked fsil, and for me that was more important than anything
Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I'm considering all of my options and have narrowed it down to this:
1) Have them be bridesmaids, accept it, and enjoy their company.
2) Have them be included in all showers, etc and have them play a special part in the ceremony (play a song, read, usher...). Have them in coordinating dresses and give them a corsage. Include them in some pictures, but just not in the wedding party.
3) Have them be in the wedding party, but stand on the groom's side (our colors are light grey and deep purple...BMs will wear purple dresses and GMs will wear grey...the girls could wear the same dresses as BMs, but in grey?) This way he has his 3 friends and 2 sisters, and I have my 3 friends and 2 sisters.
What do you think?
I think their too old to be jr BMs. However, they are young. So maybe FMIL understands that if they are Bms, she would probably be paying their way for all BM expenses and shower stuff etc. (When I was a BM that young, my mom did it for me.)
FMIL suggested singing? If they sing, I would think they would feel really honored to do that. Maybe it's just me, but they might feel like that is a special job not just anyone can do. Unlike some consolation jobs that can be handed out, this seems like a really fun job. How about you ask them to coordinate some kind of dress. They both can wear it (lighter shade of BM dresses, maybe an accent color you're using etc.) Not sure what you want to call them. Maybe depending on the flow of the ceremony and how their singing will take place, you can have them walk down the aisle. (Like before the moms walk. Then they can begin singing or whatever.) I think they'd feel really included this way, without actually being in the "bridal party". YOu could even have a few photos snapped with them.
Personally, i am including my FSIL because she will now be my family, my sister, and i do happen to be close with her. If you aren't close with them i can definetly see how it could be weird. I would put aside the uneven bridal party to have them be apart of it. I don't even think your FI will care that he has less groomsmen because his sisters our by YOUR SIDES supporting BOTH of you in marriage. Plus, this will give a oppurtunity for you guys to grow closer. :) I think it would make a lot of people happy too see everyone together.
Also, are they too young to be a bridesmaid?? I dont understand?
I don't think you have to do it. I am not having my FSILs in the wedding (my fiance's sister OR my brother's fiance). I"m not close to either of them and when i'm in stressed out mode-- i need my friends not two girls I hardly know. I like your FMIL's suggestion of having them sing or do a reading personally. Even if they're upset now, they're SO young. When they plan a wedding, they will look back and totally understand.
It's not that they are too young...that part doesn't bother me at all. It's just that I would like my friends (who are more like sisters) to be in the bridal party too. I would be sacrificing that if I had all 4 sisters. It's already decided that they will be a part of the wedding in some way, we're just not sure what yet!
I happen to be close to both of my FSIL (they're married-in, not blood-related), so they are bridesmaids. I really think it's a smart move for you to include them in either ways 1 or 3 that you suggested. Have you talked to your FI to see what he thinks about whether he would prefer them to stand on your side or his? EVEN BETTER, if you are resolved to do that - why don't you ask THEM?
Something along the lines of, "We BOTH love you so much and want to include you in the wedding, but we've had a hard time deciding if you should be on your brother's side or mine 'cause we want you to stand up for BOTH of us. Would you prefer to wear a purple dress and be a bridesmaid or a grey dress and be a groomsmaid?" :) Then the hurt feelings will go *poof*!
Ok....I was JUST in this spot and learned the hard way. I REALLY suggest having the sisters as BM
My husband has one sister. They are close but we are not. I asked him right away if I should have her and he said he didn't think I should since we are not close. She kept her upset to herself until right before the wedding. I had no idea how upset and hurt she was and I felt so upset that I didn't listen to my 1st instict which was to include her
It's hard to image now....but some of these people who are your best freinds...you may not even know in 5-10years. But the sister will always be there. It is important for her to be in her brothers wedding
I wish someone would have told me all this and I would have included her. NOw instead I have to live the rest of our lives feeling terrible that she wasn't in her only brothers wedding. Even though I know she has been told that it was really my hubby's fauly for not including her, I feel like it was still my job and I failed.
Now with distance and perspective I realize that it is SO much more inporant to include family. More than freinds, even if you are not close to them. Make her a bridemaid. She will be in your life forever and you may regret it if youdon't include her
I was in a similar situation. FI has 2 sisters. We decided to have VERY small wedding parties and only have 2 per side. I have my own sister, a cousin who is like a sister, not to mention 6 friends who are also like family to me, and I didn't want to exclude them all for FI's sisters who I'm not as close with. I felt a little bit bad about not including them in the party, but my own sister and cousin won out. I did make sure they have special roles in the wedding ceremony: one is doing a reading and one is assisting in the sake ceremony. I would suggest doing the same, just have them do something special during the ceremony and make sure they feel included.
I must say that I would have them in your wedding as Bridesmaids. Have them walk together if it messes up your numbers by 2. I saw this because I am currently the one being "left out". I am so hurt and feel so left out. Let me explain: My husband's sister is getting married. My husband has 2 sisters, 1 whom is already married. The sister that is getting married has their sister as the matron of honor and 2 friends standing up for her. Her fiancee has his brother, my husband (her brother) and her sisters husband on his side. She also is having my one daughter and our nephew as flower girl and ring bearer. So I am the ONLY one not in the wedding, well and our other daughter. Talk about feeling left out. So instead they came up with this "personal attendant" job. Which, in my opinion is a job you give someone who is not important enough to be in the wedding but you still feel bad for them. It is a pitty job. I have respectivly declined the "job" .
So bottom line it is your wedding and your decision but I HIGHTLY recommend having them in the wedding.
I like your option 3 :) I think it would look great. 2 comes in a close 2nd as well. If they like singing in front of people, that would be awesome tbh. I'd try to find other jobs besides ushers if possible, but I like the other ideas.
I think they might be a little young to be bridesmaids, but I think they are perfectly appropriate age to be flower girls or if you dont have a ring bearer you could have each one carry a ring. Definitely give them a gift the day of and a corsage or maybe a mini-bouqet. And even if you cant include them somehow, maybe you could buy them each a dress to go with the bridesmaid dresses so they still feel like they are a part of your ceremony.
i vote that you just include them and have an uneven bridal party...it could work out nicely if they stand on the groom's side to support their brother too. i understand it is important to you to have your friends, and i dont think you should have to sacrifice them for your FSILs, but why not adapt a "more is merrier" approach and have everyone? i included my 3 FSILs, which brought me up to 8 (!!!) bridesmaids, and i really did want a smaller bridal party, but everyone was so happy to be included, and on the wedding day it didnt matter at all--it was great to be surrounded by so many loving, happy people. i think it is a wise decision for the sake of future family relations too.
@ clarebee---they are older teenages....i think maybe you misread their ages....more than a bit old to be flower girls IMHO! ;-)
I think option 3 sounds THE BEST. that way the sides are even and everyone is happy. I'm having my FSIL as a BM for our July wedding, and she excluded me from her wedding in September(she was just engaged in Dec), it really hurt because I had made it clear I wanted her as a BM bc we're going to be family.
I think I have it narrowed down to option 1 or 3. I just wouldn't feel right about leaving them out...after all, i already do consider them my sisters. Now the questions will be what side should they stand on...mine, or his???
I am having my sister as my MOH, my best friend as my honorary maid of honor and my fi's sister as my bridesmaid.
I did it that way because I don't have many close friends, and my thinking is I'm going to choose people to be in my wedding who will likely be in my life for the rest of my life.
I know it's really hard to choose between friends and sisters. But honestly, it is HIS sister's. I don't think you should feel obligated, I agree with the other bees, you should have them involved in other things.
If you think that your college friends will be in your life forever, then I think you should choose them... but ultimately it's up to you.
I'm not even close to my fi's sister, but I did it for him.
I think the purple/gray dress idea is clever and perfect, and I agree with UCLA Meghan about asking them which the sisters prefer -- provided hopefully they will agree with each other's choice! lol Good luck, and best wishes to you. I think you will be glad you decided to have them included in the ceremony.
I recently just went through the whole sister in law drama. My case was they are both over 10 years older than me and we don't have very close relationships. One didn't want to be a bridesmaid but the other did at the prime old age of 44...haha. I caved and asked her to alleviate any family tension for years to come. You probably should ask, eventhough I strongly believe it should be the people closest to you. Relationships build over time planning a wedding is stressful enough to have to worry about becoming best friends with your future sister in laws.
my FH also has 2 sisters who I would love to include the one but the other one did something to me that I just cannot forgive anytime soon, but FH said it's both his sisters or none. He's not extremely close to them but I still wanted to include the one sister so we will be having her do one of the readings. Also you might want to take into consideration that they are young and if you had say a bach. party out they wouldn't be able to go and also the expense of being in a wedding unless someone else was paying for them, just a thought.
i personally like option 3. my situation is a little different.. my sister and my SIL (my brother's wife) are both 10 yrs my senior, my fi's sister is 2 yrs younger than i am. however, she and i do not get along. my fi is not close to her either, so it doesnt matter to him whether or not i include her in the wedding planning or the wedding party itself. my own family members seem to rather want to kick back and relax during the wedding/reception. parts of me feel bad for not having my future SIL in the wedding party, but she's really quite awful.. (if i were to get into the reasons why, this would take forever) BUT, if she weren't awful, i would probably have her do option 3 as well, since my MOH and bridemaids total 4 in numbers.
i dont really feel it's necessary to have my siblings in the actual bridal party though. it's true, they are a part of your life forever and ever, but i am closer to my friends than to my own family. and due to the large age gap, they often treat me as if i'm a child.
Good Luck!!
Maybe I am alone in my opinion, but I think that if you are close to them, by all means do ask them to be a bridal party, but the wedding should be your day and you should include the ones that mean the most to you. As you've noticed in other posts, just because you include them in the bridal party does not guarantee no drama, look at how many posts are about FSIL that flaked out on so many of their obligations as bridesmaids? In short, you should include whom YOU feel comfortable with, at least if your choices flake out, you can't say that its the in laws that caused the drama. After all, you can always ask your FSIL to do reading, ushering, or be involved in other capacities that would be meaningful in ways that maybe better suited for them.
Im adding one of my FSIL out of respect we do not talk everyday or even really unless we see each other on FB or family events... so im thinking maybe add one of his sisters (my FI has 4 sisters but i want a small bridal party)...I think which ever sister hes closer to you should add she will always be family your friends may fade...
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