- 10 years ago
Here’s my delimma summed up – should I invite a jealous and bitter cousin just because he is family? (wow! warning, this is really long!!)
About a month ago my cousin (a 40+ year old male) told a lie about me and I found out about it. It shocked me because he and I have always been so close and great friends; so I called him out on it, gently at first, and he denied it and lied to me saying he didn’t know what I was talking about. But, I had the proof about the lie (a mean spirited story he made up about me) and that I knew he was talking about me behind my back . . . he continued to try and deny it but was backed into a corner. It turned into a slightly heated argument because I was pissed and I don’t take crap from anyone. In the middle of our heated conversation he hung on me!!
He then called my Mom trying to bad mouth me and get her support on his side. Um, hello . . . she’s my Mom! she’s obviously not going to back him when she was the one who found out about the vicious story he was telling. So they had a nice talk, my Mom is a very reasonable person, and when they hung up my cousin was near tears and apologized to my Mom and said he was going to apologize to me and if I forgave him he was going to let it go.
30 minutes after he hung up on me he called me back (after talking to my Mom) and he apologized to me. We had a nice, brief conversation and we both said I love you and see you at Christmas. Granted I was still upset, but he did apologize, and I was going to follow the rule "forgive and forget" because it seemed genuine and heatfelt on his end. I guess I was wrong . . .
A week goes by and our Mom’s (who are sisters) talk on the phone. Turns out Cousin has made it clear that if I am at Christmas he will not go. He said that our original conversation was so vile and I was so vulgar that he couldn’t even bring himself to repeat what I said. So again he is lying! The only bad thing I said was "Cut the bulls**t, I know you’re lying!". Now I’m pissed all over again because Christmas is always hosted at my Aunt’s house and she’s allowing him (granted he’s a grown man) to act like this and break up the family for the holiday’s. If he’s still upset, which is news to me, then he should skip Christmas or show for a couple hours than make an excuse to leave. Now all of the extended families are punished, other Aunt’s, Uncles, and cousins cannot see each other.
And the topper, he’s made it clear that he will not be attending my wedding in 3 months, he’s not ready to see me. What???!!!! My wedding is 3 months away, I can’t believe he’s going to hold a grudge for 4+ months! I had no idea he was so immature.
I have mulled over the facts and circumstances a million times, I’ve lost sleep, I haven’t had an appetite in weeks, I’ve gotten stress zits, I feel guilt about the ruined Christmas for everyone (which my Mom has stresed that none of this is my fault) and I can honestly say I did not do anything to provoke him making up a vicious story about me, nor did I ill-handle the situation when I found out about the false gossip. There is nothing I would do differently if this were to start all over again. So . . .
1) Cousin made up an evil story about me and tried to spread it like gossip to other family members behind my back.
2) Cousin has a skewed version of the events (argument) in his head and has decided not to have us (my family) at the annual Christmas festivities. He’s got a vendetta to ruin the holiday for me, but he’s really ruining it for everyone.
3) Cousin has made it clear, far far in advance, that he will not be attending my wedding.
4) I’ve called him 4 times since all this brouhaha because we have plans in January that I am guessing I am no longer invited to. My last message said "Since you won’t return my calls and do not want to see me now or for my wedding, I’m assuming you won’t want to see me in January; so please feel free to give our tickets away as we won’t be purchasing them at this point." Still no reply or even a text confirmation.
Everyone thinks he acting out of jealously b/c I’m getting a lot of family attention right now as a lot of conversation and excitement is about the wedding.
I’m trying to be the bigger person here, but honestly, I don’t want to waste an invitation on him. We all think he is trying to punish me for our argument by threatening to not be at my wedding – but at this point I don’t want him there. Our wedding is a small gathering of 45 people, majority family and a few friends, people who truly care about us and want to be there for our day. Should I invite him and hope he doesn’t show / sends regrets, or not invite him? What would you do? Unfortunately the relationship is beyond repair, and going forward, if / when he does want to see me, it will then be a very superficial relationship. The great friendship is gone.
Thanks. I feel another zit surfacing