Post # 1
Ok, we are having a very small intimate wedding (somewhere around 30, including us, all children and relatives). The thing is, we really don’t feel like either of our families cares or even likes us much, to be honest. I have always had a contentious relationship with my family. Neither of my parents is coming (my choice, my mom has abused me my entire life, is psychotic, and I have zero relationship with my father) and neither is his dad (his choice, he’s an alcoholic, horrible parent that was trying to get under his mom’s skirt at one of his sister’s weddings, leading her wedding night to be driving his drunk self home).
This was specifically about my twin brother. He abused me, and he hangs out with a group of people who constantly verbally harassed, belittled me and tried to ruin my life behind my back. They say things that should land them in prison, and are just plain petty and evil. He doesn’t stand up for me, nor do we have any kind of relationship at all. If I don’t invite him, I’m worried my family just may not even show up, but I REALLY do not want him there. He’s the type of person that would either make an excuse of having to work which would lead to my grandmother who practically raised us to pay for him to attend even though he has the money and could get time off, or coming but not trying to make any conversation, he’d just stand around (and most likely not bring a gift). I don’t want to have an empty wedding, and seeing how the general mood is around it it would probably be best to just elope and save the money and hassle.
I need the pictures though. 🙁 Our families haven’t met yet, and I will never be able to get them all in one space at the same time ever again (we moved to Indiana near his family, mine is in FL). I want people to watch me walk down the aisle. I want to have a dance party with my younger cousins. I want to have their attention and well wishes for once. I want videos and candids of the little details that I wouldn’t be able to have otherwise. Should I just bite the bullet and invite our families even though we aren’t close? Or just cut my losses and elope, and hope to make better memories/pictures elsewhere? I really don’t know what to do. I want the wedding, but I have lost many friends because I have standards and refuse to be fake and allow people into my life that don’t deserve to be there. This should be a happy experience but it’s just sadness and frustration. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2015 - Glenskirlie Castle
It’s a tough one that only you can answer, me personally (and I’m in now way saying that this is the right solution for you) I lost contact with my grandparents on my dad’s side when my parents separated but I will be sending them an invitation I see it as I have done the right thing, for me, and if they don’t come then it’s their loss
Post # 3
I agree, it’s your decision alone. But, will it be worth the pain of being around your abusers just to get some pictures which may, in & of themselves be triggering for you?
It’s horribly unfair, but some of us are born into truly awful families. I was. Both of my parents were deceased by the time I married dh, so I was spared the decision you have to make. I longed for a loving & supportive family with me, but reality is reality.
I would elope before I would have my tormentors at my wedding. Not only the pain of being around them would get to me, but my anxiety levels would be off the charts.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I’m a little confused. Your parents and your FI’s dad are not coming, so who are the people you want pictures with? Sounds like your grandma is ok but would be pissed if you didn’t invite your brother?
If it’s your grandmother you want there, maybe it’s worth having your jerky brother there. Standing around not speaking to you isn’t THAT bad– if that’s all he would do. But if he’s the type to get stupid drunk and act horribly… then I would not invite him. Only you can decide.
Honestly, it sounds lik your friends, who love you and don’t abuse you, are your family. Take your Family Photos with them and call it a day!
Post # 5
@prahajess Yes, I want my grandmother and almost everyone else there. So far I’m leaving out 3 key people that would make my family upset: my parents, my brother, and an aunts’ fake husband because he is an asshole. They only know I’m leaving out my parents and probably still hold out hope they can change my mind. There would probably be badmouthing going on because if I left him out then her whole family unit may not come as it’s ‘disrespectful’. I want her kids there. And the crazy thing is that my entire family lives together! There are literally like 10 people in one house, and my other aunt/uncle family lives right in the same neighborhood! They’re all of the opinion that I’m an unforgiving emo bitch, and it’s really annoying. I want MOST of them there, I’m just worried about paying for this wedding then they don’t even show up because they’re offended I didn’t invite someone they think should be there.
And side note, neither of us has friends. It would just be family and potentially two older family friends. We avoid pretending and schmoozing because we’re just not those kinds of people.
Post # 6
And to clarify so people don’t just think I’m being petty, let me give you a little insight into what I mean.
Recently I found out from my old bestie (who I’m also not friends with anymore since he is friends with a high school tormentor and allowed him to call me a house nigger, freak, and go along with really inappropriate comments that hurt me) that my brother’s friends who I used to kinda hang with, were saying things like they were going to angry rape me and make my brother watch, that I was running off with another random internet guy and was going to get murdered and raped and left in a desert somewhere, I don’t deserve friends, etc etc. Years ago one of his buddies in the neighborhood was going to try and rape me, and I had to fight him off while my brother laughed, then went to play video games in his room. When we were younger my brother would put his hand up my shirt when he thought I was sleeping, then jerk it out and pretend to be asleep if he thought I was waking up. THIS IS NOT SOMEONE I WANT AT MY WEDDING. However, I don’t think I should suffer/not have family come just because I make it a point not to invite him. It would make going home to visit really awkward. And I do plan on having security or some kind of backup plan in case my grandmother decides she can strong arm guests into the wedding (she totally would).
So yes, I want pictures of my other family and videos of me dancing with all my young cousins, but it being a 30 person wedding it will be very noticeable if some of them don’t show up. If I don’t invite “fake husband”, then my aunt and at least 3 or all 4 of her kids wouldn’t be able to come. It’s a domino effect, and it’s really unfortunate.