Post # 1
Brides – should I invite in laws who have caused my husband and me nothing but grief for the past 7 years that we have lived together? They are all either divorced or senoir spinsters who have had a lot of bad luck in their relationships and marriages. FIL and MIL are together but are always fighting. The SILs and BILs are constantly attacking each other on Facebook and writing hate mails to each other, even death threats. There have been cases of physical abuse – thankfully, though they are constantly talking trash about me, we moved far away from them and hardly ever see them – though my husband has to contend with their abusive phone calls and emails. He is a loving and reasonable person and has tried to bring the family together, but they are all so selfish and use such opportunities to try and wreck our relationship. I come from a stable family where people understand their boundaries and respect marriage, and I would like to bring up my two girls with the same values.
Now we have saved enough money for our wedding – which is the first in the family. MIL keeps saying she is coming then the next day she has changes her mind. This hurts my hurts my husband very much, but he wants her there and keeps begging her to come. She has poisoned the rest and told them not to attend the wedding. FIL is the only one who has promised to be there. My whole family is excited and helpful and can’t wait to attend. That’s why I don’t undestand what the in-laws problems are.
Should I send them invitation cards or should we exclude them altogether? My husband says he will stand by my decision but I can see that he is hurt and would like them to attend.
Post # 3
I would invite them. I know it’s a tough situation but you don’t want to start your marraige off by x-ing his family. The good, bad and ugly, it’s who the are and they are a part of him. You are marrying into his family not only to him. You have to accept them for who they are whether you like it or not. You as a couple can decide to ignore it when problems arise. but a marraige is the coming together of two families.
Your FH knows your concerns, but why not show him how much you love him by being the better person and just dealing with it, all of the nonsense and bickering. Who know’s maybe they won’t even show. But you won’t be the one hurting your FH, they will.
Post # 4
Eek…that sucks…I think its actually your husband’s decision to make. I would invite them unless he says not to.
Post # 5
@SandAndSea: I have no problem inviting them, but I don’t want to risk drama at my wedding. They are a noisy and foul-mouthed lot and might create drama at the wedding. They have done so before in past family funerals. My husband knows this but he is used to it.
Post # 6
I’m definitely in your same shoes, but not to that extreme. My father’s side of the family is ridiculous and malicious. I honestly despise having to spend any time with them because of the pure negativity with that family.
How I am handling my father’s side is that I am inviting only those who I would have to invite, e.g. my grandparents, aunts and uncles (that’s it)–no children. The no children helps those who really don’t want to go because they would have to pay for childcare on top of a wedding gift and travel costs. (It weeds out who really wants to attend.) What I realized is that although they can be terrible people around each other, they tend to be more aware of those around them because they want to ensure that other think very well of them. (Otherwise, they would embarass themselves. I’m not sure if this is the same situation for you tho!)
Moreover, I have a day of coordinator who understands all this going on and will have no problem handling the issues in an appropriate manner; that way, you have no concerns of what is going on between them, but focusing and enjoying the special day with your new husband and you.
I’ll definitely be praying for you! I think this will actually be a taste of whether or not you want to continue the relationship for the new family that you’ll be starting. (I know that once I get married, I will find no reason to communicate with them.)
Lastly, one thing I realized in my engagement class is when you get married, you define the boundries of the relationship of your new family–you and your husband–and what you find appropriate within those boundries. E.g. if grandma criticizes and belittles you, there is no reason to continue that relationship if she refuses to change. You control the boundaries in which you and your husband live by and what type of life you want, who you want to share it with, and what your future will look like. (So even if you do invite them and they act poorly, you have tried to extend a friendly hand out.)
*Also, I understand that your husband would really want them there, but begging them will only make it worse because they just want to toy with him. (If it was me, I would just send the invites, don’t say anything unless you don’t hear from them and see what happens; you might be surprised.) **If you ended up not recieving an RSVP, having one person in your wedding party contact them for an RSVP, so there is a neutral line between them and attending the wedding.
I hope this helps!
Post # 7
Its up to your FI 100%, its his family and his wedding day too.
Post # 8
Did we marry into the same family???
My husbands family sounds EXACTLY like your husbands. They hate me, I hate them. They hate themselves. Bitter, bitter nasty people. They told my husband they would come, then they told him they wouldn’t. We still (very reluctantly) sent invitations out. They told everyone they weren’t invited and never recieved an invite. (ummm then PLEASE send the money back that it cost me to send your entire freakin family the invitations that you all “never” got!)
Day of wedding we left the front pew open for his parents and they never showed. Luckily, our awesome friends and church family filled my husbands side of the church so it didn’t look so awkward when my side of the church was packed. But the icing on the cake is that his family attends the same church and there was a youth group thing going on the morning of our wedding and his parents volunteered to be there to help out. So his own mom and dad AND brother and two sisters were AT the church the day of the wedding! Everyone saw them and they just acted like we owed THEM something. Ohhh I was LIVID!
Okay, I really didn’t mean to make this about my situation BUT the moral of my story is you just might have to invite them and hope they don’t come. Believe me, it’s stressful. Just remember that there is nothing that they can do to ever break up your marriage and that right there is worth every ounce of them trying to get between you and your big day. Good luck!!!! (you’ll need it!)
Post # 9
@samora:Invite them and hope they don’t show up.
Post # 10
I think its really up to your FI. Its his family, and I know you want to save him from getting hurt, but if there’s any chance that he’ll regret not inviting them in the future or not inviting them will cause even more drama, I think it would be best to invite them. And as the PP stated, it will be up to them to decide if they come.
Post # 11
@MissFlipFlops: Gosh, they are really like mine! MIL now says we should postpone the wedding because she has things to do and can be available next year. There’s nothing she has to do – she is just hoping that we will break up before next year so that there is no wedding to attend. SILs say there has to be something wrong with me because no one wants to attend the wedding. They say we should not rush and take things slow! We have been together 7 years, have two daughters and have been saving for this wedding. One BIL is seriously on drugs, and says if we have the wedding he will come and embarass us completely! I am torn, brides! I hate being in this situation, and I am thinking, is it too late to quit and find someone who is an only child?