Post # 1
I’ll give you a bit of back story first, my mum and I have never had a good rlationship, when I was a teenager we would fight all the time (and not over the normal teen mother stuff) she would scream at me if I didn’t agree with her opinion and make me feel like an idiot and that I was just a stupid little girl and she struggled with alcohol throughout my teenage years. So when I was 18 I went to Uni (a different one than she wanted because it was further away but a better school) and barley spoke to her in 3 years, then I moved to America to study and haven’t really spoken to her since (that’s about 5 years) which doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
However, I never cut ties completely with my mums side of the family (Aunties Uncles ect) because I don’t see why I should punish them for her mistakes so I still go over and see them at Christmas send birthday cards and presents ect. And I really want them at my wedding, especially my cousins because they were like 8 when I was teenager and I love them. So I rang my Uncle last night and told him the good news and told him to expect and invite for around next spring and He started asking me if I was inviting my mum I told him that I would think about it but probably not. He told me that I should think about because my mother would want to come and would be happy for me. And if it was a simple matter of that then I might think about it but my Dad and Stepmum are going to be there (along with some of there family) and my Mum HATES him because apparently he ‘stole’ me from here when he done nothing to deserve my forgiveness (a hole other story) this is bullshit becuase she drove me away. And the rest of my family are hardely big fans but I know they will be civil because it’s my big day and I don’t expect them to have to talk to him but I cant trust my mum to do the same, especially after she has had a drink and I don’t want HER of all people to ruin my day.
Sorry for the long post but One part of me Is saying she is your mum but the other part is saying I don’t like her and she might ruin the hole day (If she did make a scene it would actualy ruin my day because I would end up a crying mess)!!!!
Post # 3
I’m sorry to hear about your problems, nobody can give you the right answer. Only you can now what is best for you. You should think about what would be worst for you, if you mother comes and behaves badly or that you don’t invite her…will she forgive you for that?
Post # 4
Like a PP said, only you can decide. I wouldn’t base your opinion on what other people will be there. They are adults who should be able to control themselves.
Do you want to have a relationship with her in the future? If you do I would probably invite her.
If you don’t want to have a relationship with her not inviting her to your wedding will kind of be like the “final nail in the coffin” of the relationship.
Post # 5
That’s a tough one, sorry you’re in this situation! Here’s my $.02…
If/when SO and I get married, I’ll be in a similar quandary. My mother has always been extremely difficult (emotional, selfish, holds grudges over NOTHING, for EVER, blames me for everything, was always holed up in her hoard of a room sleeping while my sis and I brought ourselves up… oh I could go on). I talk to her as little as possible because every time, it turns into her crying about her divorce from my dad (she’s been remarried for about 6 years, btw, and I was UN invited to her wedding for NO reason)… and I’m tired of her drama and the stress of dealing with her. It took me a long time to get over the fact that I will never have the ideal mother/daughter relationship with her, and that she will never be kind, or even normal. I don’t HAVE to like her just because she gave birth to me. (And the same goes for you!)
I probably won’t invite mine, and I think that you would be justified in not inviting yours either, especially since you haven’t spoken to her in that long. I would maybe send some sort of announcement after the fact, just as a courtesy- but that’s it.
Invite those who you are close to and want to have around (your aunts/uncles, father, stepmom). You don’t need the stress of worrying about her ruining things on your big day, the entire point of which is to celebrate your relationship with FI/DH. 🙂
Post # 6
thanks it’s nice to know someone else is going through a similar thing because I don’t think most people can get there heads round not wanting your mum at your wedding. I’m still undecided I want her there because I love her because she is my mum but I Hate her because of everything she put me through. ;(
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Can you invite her but make sure she knows how busy you’ll be, you have plenty of friends to help with everything, etc so you don’t have to spend much time with her? I would think not inviting her to your wedding would definitely be the final blow to your relationship, so you should make sure that’s what you want. Do you want to end the relationship for good? Who knows, this could be the first step towards forgiving her and reconciling. You never hear people say they regret reconciling with family… Good luck either way xox
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@weddinglol22: She hardly sounds like she has been much of a mother (you may be attached by blood). That being said, will you regret it in the future if you don’t invite her? Do you wish to have a relationship with her? Would she cause problems at your wedding? You don’t have to invite her – it sounds like you have so much history. I think only you would be able to know. For that reason I did not answer the poll.
Post # 9
@weddinglol22: I’m not inviting my mother to my wedding. My parents split 10 years ago, she moved to the US and I haven’t spoken to her in 7 years.
I don’t agree with inviting her just because shes your mother. If she is not a good person and you don’t want the relationship people should respect your decision.
Post # 10
If you think you will regret not inviting her in the future, and you have someone -or a group of people that can keep her in check, invite her.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2014 - South Bonson Pier & Community Centre
only you can decide if she shouldn’t be there. If you really don’t want to have her there, then don’t invite her. Don’t let your maternal family presure you (my paternal family used to do the same until I told them that they can have a relationship with me, but they do not get to weigh in on my relationships with others – they couldn’t handle that, so I cut them off, too).
Post # 12
It sounds to me like you don’t really want her there, and are only considering it because of what someone said to you.
Just think about what YOU want. It’s your big day. You had your mind made up, don’t let someone else talk you into inviting her because it’s “proper”. Think about what you truly want deep down and do it – whether that’s inviting her or not. Don’t let others change your mind.
Post # 13
I think it’s important to ask: which will ruin your day more? Knowing that she isn’t there, or if she does something upsetting?
Post # 14
I don’t know if you haven’t spoken to her in nine years I would be like no, as it seems you guys are estranged and have been for quite a while.
It’s hard because of course you want other familys members there, and so it’s creates an awkward situation.
I think before issuing her a firm invite, if there isn’t some why to gauge if she change at all and learned to respect you and your boundaries. I think if you move forward with babysteps and asessing her behavior and seeing if it’s worth opening that door again.
I also think it’s important to lay down the boundaries and make them crystal clear. So for example letting her know that she is just another guest, if she not going to be getting ready with you and I guess playing in the traditional roles people’s moms take at weddings. See how she reacts, and how she treats and speak to you. That way based on her most recent behavior you can assess whether she will be able to come to you wedding without incident, whether she will bring negative feelings and vibes.
I think by doing that why you accomplish a few things, one you see if you can handle having her around, two you can see if she able to behave herself, three most importantly you show the family that you made an effort to have attend and based on her behavior you can make a choice about if that was a good idea or not.
It sounds like your life has been more peaceful without her, and you come to peace with the choice. So it’s also important that you make clear that you maybe not be opening the door to having a relationship with her(although you feelings may change on that)
Post # 15
It’s been a long time since you were a teenager and had these problems. It doesent even seam like you’ve attempted any sort of relationship with her as an adult (from your post) so how to you know if she will cause a scene or not? Has she gotten better with alcohol? I would invite her and try to have an adult relationship with her rather than just cut her out of your life because of fights that happened way back when you were a teenager, I know I hated my parents as a teen and did some really nasty stuff but now see get along great as I don’t have to live there anymore and can do my own thing
Post # 16
@weddinglol22: I didn’t vote… It really depends. This is really hard. Hugs.
I was in a similar situation with my father. It’s a long story, but basically he is an abandoning dead beat. I didn’t invite him in the end because his presence stresses me out tremendously… Not what I wanted to feel at my wedding. I stressed about inviting him or not a great deal, and cried and lost sleep over it… It was absolutely the biggest stress of my wedding planning, and that includes losing an important family member during our engagement. But in the end, I DEFINITLEY made the right decision, and when I told him that it would be best for me if he didn’t come, it felt like a weight off my shoulders. He was sad but hey, if he wanted to be there then he should have been there.
I decided solely based on how I would feel to have him there. Not because of what anyone else thought. Anyone who knows the situation will have to understand. If it would make you sad that she isn’t there, then you should invite her. And you know what else? Not a single person asked me why I didn’t invite him. It was obvious.