Weddingbee boards

Hmmm, I think this is tough situation.  On the one hand, you already have some annoyances with L and you feel like involving her bf and her bf's daughter in the gift exchange is unfair.  On the other hand, it could/would cause some major family drama for you to get involved.  Imo, I would keep my mouth shut and here's why:

1.  The little girl is totally innocent in this.  Imagine if she has to go to Christmas with all your relatives (because her dad drags her along) and she's only kid who doesn't get a present.  It's not really fair to her to make her feel bad because her dad's girlfriend is immature, pushy, and selfish.

2.  If you speak up, there is guaranteed to some kind of backlash against you.  Even if the majority of family members agree with you, there is bound to be a few people who will say point you out as the bad guy and stick up for L, instead. 

3.  It's not fair that L is pushing to have non-family members involved in the Christmas exchange, and it's certainly not fair that you followed the "rules" and she's not, but what is it really going to hurt if they are involved?  It seems like your objection to their involvement is more out of spite and annoyance with her behavior than a concrete/logical reason for excluding them.  Honestly, you don't want to be known as the immature/selfish one, right?  So be the bigger person and keep your mouth shut (which I know is easier said than done!).

Despite those reasons, I do think it was right for you to stick up for yourself over her behavior in regards to being your bridesmaid.  But the main differences between that situation and this situation is that a) you are in control of your wedding/bridal party and b) you were responding to being treated badly in a specific incident, not just making decisions based on the fact that she is generally selfish/immature.

My vote is for duct tape.

If whoever is hosting the holiday's is ok with her coming with her BF and his daughter then the daughter should be included in the gift exchange.  It would be super hurtful to the little girl to not receive presents when all the other kids are.

I understand wanting just family to be there - but, put yourself in her shoes.  She wants to spend the holiday's with her love.  The more accepting the family will be of her - perhaps the more she'd be open to constructive criticism about her relationship (if she ever opens up about it).

Try not to focus on what other people (like your grandma) might do for her, the BF and the daughter and try to let all the drama surrounding asking her to be your BM go.  

I just want to put in my two cents here: my FI and I started dating at a young age (14.) When we were 15, we started going to each other's family holidays. There were two awkward Christmases where his parents and sister brought me presents, but no one else did. The second year I had put a lot of thought into some of their gifts, and after that I think they realized I was there to stay. I'm not honestly sure if they realized I was part of the gift giving, though, because some of them were "family gifts."  It's not even what they get me that next year that mattered, they were just little things. But having something there so I didn't have to sit awkwardly while everyone else opened cards and presents felt good. 

To some people, it's a "family only" thing - but I'm not sure why. If you know someone is coming, why not do something nice just to put their name on it? Even something small, like a mug full of hot chocolate mix with a cute little ribbon around in could make someone feel a lot better. 

If you want to someday have a better relationship with your cousin, being kind in this situation could be a good way to start. 

@summergirl21 - is it possible the other significant others spoke up? I will do that if I see a similar situation occurring in my family or FI's family. 

I don't think you're the bad guy, Ireland.  I just think if you speak up you are going to look like the bad guy to your family.  L's mom and dad and your grandma are already willing to do anything (even break tradition and upset everyone else) to bring L back to the family.  Even if other people think it's unfair, if you speak up, you're going to get the blame.  I think it's going to look especially bad since you and L already had a bit of a falling out.  I think to your aunt, uncle, and grandma it's going to look like you're being selfish and immature instead of looking like you are the only person in the family who has the guts to stand up to L. 

That's kinda just my opinion, but obviously I could be reading the situation completely wrong.  I'm sure things will turn out fine, no matter what you decide to do.  :)

ETA:  If there are 3 other people who are that upset, why don't all four of you approach your aunt, uncle, and grandma together?  That way, at least you aren't getting all the blame yourself.  If other people feel as strongly as you do, they should speak up, too, and not leave you to do all the dirty work.

I don't think you are a bad guy... I was just re-imagining my own experiences, but obviously each family is quite different. I was just trying to weigh in on how really small gestures can make a big difference, I'm not sure why including people in gift exchanges have to be an all or nothing thing? Why can't whoever wants to buy the guy and his daughter a present buy them, and whoever doesn't, doesn't? Then they'd at least have some thoughtful gifts, but there'd be no drama. 

It really is a hard topic. I know FI had a much easier time with my family because we had already gone through the SO thing with one of my older cousins. In FI's family, FBIL and I were the first SO's outside of the older generation, and he was included earlier by non-immediate family because there was a ring on FSIL's finger (although I started going to family things before he did, FI and I have been together longer) and that really hurt me. It took awhile to get over.