Should I just do it for him?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I do the thank you card to hubby's friend?
    Yes: just get it done : (30 votes)
    48 %
    Yes: but have hubby tell you what should go into it : (10 votes)
    16 %
    No: It won't have the same feeling if hubby doesn't write it : (23 votes)
    37 %
  • Post # 2
    3280 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I wrote all our thank yous and he addressed them. I think a lot of guys just have a hard time coming up with things to say and don’t feel the need to do it. It’s sorta late now but I think a phone call thanking him would have been enough if he didn’t want to write it. Since it’s already been two months and doesn’t seem like he’s going to do it I would just do it from the both of you. 

    Post # 3
    7281 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    I voted “no”, but not for the reason listed in the poll. IMO, the wedding was your husband’s wedding, too, and he should share equal responsibility in writhing the thank you cards for it. That said, he still has time to do his share, so maybe you should back off and let him do it on his own schedule.

    Post # 4
    2614 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    Celliaanne:  You just reminded me that my husband never did his 5. We got married last year!!! I handed him the cards and pens many times but he ‘didn’t get around to it’. I reckon this reflects badly on me from their point if view so I vote that you do it. Very frustrating but it’s life. Now I feel really bad!!!

    Post # 5
    3643 posts
    Sugar bee

    Within two weeks of geting married, I moved 3 hours away from home, and started graduate school. I left his friends and family’s thank you notes to the end, hoping that he would help. It didn’t happen. I finally wrote the last batch of thank yous about 3 months after the wedding. I got a nasty note, in return, from one of his aunts, chastizing me for acknowledging the gift so late. (Luckily it was the aunt, who most people didn’t get along with – and I can see why).   

    Post # 6
    532 posts
    Busy bee

    I’d advise that you pick your battles wisely. The cost of nagging him probably outweighs the cost of helping him through it, so I’d advise getting all 5 done. 

    If it were me,  wait for a calm moment, and then drop them in his lap. I’d then say that we need to do them together because I didnt want us to seem rude or to hurt anyone’s feelings. That said, I wa troubled that he seemed to have difficulty in completing this task. I woukd ask if there was something that bothered him about thank you notes, or was he unsure of what to say in them? odds are, he put it off b/c he felt like he would write something awkward or not know what to say. then, I’d sit with uim and brainstorm them out together.

    Post # 7
    1244 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Have you asked him what the problem is? I don’t see why he can’t take a few minutes to write a thank you note; that’s so ungrateful. Just tell him he really needs to have it done by x date. I wouldn’t write it for him, this is not a difficult task and it’s the least he could do to show appreciation. 

    Post # 8
    7896 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    You just need to wait till a calm evening, and after dinner say, HEY. ITS TIME. And just make it happen. Force his hand (literally) ugh why are  men so annoying about thank you notes. It was like pulling teeth to get him to help with our engagement party ones

    Post # 9
    2313 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Leave it open on the table with a pen next to it. Sign your name at the bottom to indicate you want something more written on it.

    Post # 11
    289 posts
    Helper bee

    Celliaanne:  My husband also had a few that he needed to write out because they were his people. Rather than making him struggle through writing them (not his strength,) I sat down with him, came up with a few ideas and wrote out a mock copy word for word on a separate piece of paper. He then just copied it down on the actual thank you so it was his handwriting – even though his is atrocious. For those few thank yous, it was important that he showed his sincerity by writing it “himself.”

    Post # 12
    3432 posts
    Sugar bee

    Celliaanne:  I would just help him write it or write it yourself only because he seems to be struggling with it

    from my past experience, my husband never wrote his thank you notes to his family.  I left them to him with an idea of what to write and how to write it.  I think he wrote one out of the ten that needed to go out.  I’m sure his family thinks we’re assholes now since I never knew he didn’t send them out until 5 months later…

    Post # 13
    5763 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    The people who are most affected by your husband’s foot-dragging are his generous family and friends. Chances are, they’re not going to disown him just because they don’t get a thank-you card, but it’s still really thoughtless to keep them waiting. You can either let the foot-dragging continue at the expense of people who have shown your husband (and by association, you) such love, or you can get the job done yourself and choose another time to help your husband learn how to express gratitude.

    Post # 14
    2894 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Celliaanne: I voted no, but for a different reason. i am not going to encourage learned helplessness from my FI. 

    He’s gotten into this habit where he’s figured out if he leaves things long enough, I’ll just do them. It’s creating resentment because

    my day / responsibilities: working out, wedding planning, working at a startup, cleaning, cooking. 

    His day / responsibility: working at a startup and providing final approval on wedding plans. 

    i get spread thin, overwhelmed, etc. so as to not encourage it, I’ve stopped doing things for him. This would include his half of the thank you cards. 

    Post # 15
    795 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    DH and I actually sat down together one day and did all our thank you notes. It took him roughly 3 days to get all of his done, but he did them. Not sure what your DH can do or say. My DH wrote way more inside the notes than I did so I’m not much help. 


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