Should I just do things without asking/telling him?

posted 2 years ago in DIY
Post # 2
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh, yes, I would.  He won’t even know the difference at the wedding.

Post # 3
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

 

BurlapnLace:  I think instead of doing it without talking to him first, you should try and explain to him how he’s making you feel. maybe he doesn’t realize what a downer he’s being. It’s his wedding too so while I agree your ideas shouldn’t be trashed, I don’t think his opinion is worthless either.

Post # 4
Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

BurlapnLace:  I tend to agree with him about the napkins, but that sucks he’s being a downer.

Honestly, he’s probably just tired of plannning / talking about the wedding.  My (now) husband went through the same thing.  I would never get tired of thinking of cute ideas and what not, but my husband was just craving normal conversation and was sick of wedding fever.  

My advice, just do things on your own if they are important to you, and won’t cause that much of a hassle.  No need to involve him in every little thing.  And have a day once a week when you don’t bring up ‘wedding’!

Post # 5
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

BurlapnLace:  I would talk to him about what a downer he’s being before you do the extras, especially if he’s been involved in the planning up until this point. I’ve done all the planning myself so I’ve done and ordered most of the things without my FIs consent (except for ‘big’ things and I always tell him about it, but he’s honestly not into details so I just do my thing).

The only issue I can see is if he feels like you’re cutting him out of the process he might get irritated. Maybe he’s getting stressed about money or the wedding in general and that’s why he’s been such a downer… best to talk it through.

Post # 6
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I know exactly how you feel.  I think my fi likes to be involved in the major choices like venue, caterer and such.  The little details not so much.  He does not usually have the same vision as I do.  As long as you do not go over budget I would say you don’t need to ask him about the small details. 

Post # 7
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

Well, I think I feel a lot like your FI does – I really don’t care about a lot of details and think many of them are quite silly. And I am sick of talking about it – I had to tell my mom last weekend I need a few weeks off from discussing the wedding.

Can you ask for maybe a set amount, like $150, for a budget of frivolous little details that you can add to the wedding without running it by him? That way he’ll know you’re not spending too much and you’ll be able to get your aisle runners or whatever without bugging him? THat’s what I’d do.

Then again my FI has given me carte blanche on the wedding planning and I keep trying to turn it over to him 🙂

Post # 8
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I wanted to add something.

I would go through a list of all these little extras and maybe have a top 5 that you just REALLY want. If you present those ideas and he still says no, I would say “well I wanted this so you won’t have to do anything to help me with it but I’m going to do it because I really want this at the wedding.” I think if he’s only wanting “necessary” things that’s a tad unfair. so be pushy about the things you just really really want, but prioritize so it doesn’t get out of hand and become an issue for him.

 

for the record, I don’t think it would be right to just do what you want even if he doesn’t notice on the wedding day. On the off chance that he does, there’s a possibility that he could be really irritated. If that were me and I had expressed my opinion on something and was really adament that I didn’t want something at the wedding and then seen it on the day of, I would feel totally disrespected by my partner. It’s a small thing (napkins for example) but I would still be pissed off if I clearly said I hatd something and then my spouse went and did it anyway. Or if things showed up on my wedding day that I noticed and had no idea about.

 

Post # 9
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

There’s room for compromise on both of your parts.  Your FI is probably more concerned about biting off more than you can chew with DIY and with more expenses adding up.  That’s valid.  However, you should also look at which ideas would add something new to the event.  A signature drink would be another thing for guests to consume at the reception, and people always like that.  So if you can do that for cheap, it’s a decent idea which will add something to the event even if it isn’t 100% necessary.  Gotta agree with him about napkins though.  I never notice them at weddings and I have friends who have said they were a waste of money.  

Post # 10
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

With my FI, I say, “I’m doing x.” That’s it. Unless its something huge. For instance, last night I showed him table lanterns I want. I showed him on Amazon, then told him the price. I gave him 3 options, and he picked one. This way he feels he has a say. When in reality, I don’t even know if he wanted lanterns, but now he thinks he does 🙂

As for him being a ddowner, a wedding can be stressful for men in a totally different way than women. Tell him you need him to be more supportive and positive. 

Just as an example, “honey we’re having a signature drink. Would you rather have ” x” or “z”?” If he says neither, then say, “OK then, I’ll just choose ” z””. If he talks about cost say, “yeah, but I love this and can do it for a bargain, so well go with ” z””.

I just don’t take no for an answer.

Post # 12
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

With things like your two examples I would say it is ok to go ahead without him knowing…he really won’t even notice on the day of.

Post # 13
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Royal Park Hotel

 

BurlapnLace:  I hear ya!  At the beginning of our wedding planning I filled him in on EVERYTHING.  Big mistake.   He also found a way to be a debbie downer about it.  It’s not like anything I decided on was added on as an extra expense to him.  We started arguing about really stupid stuff so I just kept him out of the loop on small details like extra flower arrangements or lights or decorations.

He didn’t notice or care.  And it was a very peaceful way to plan a wedding. 

I wouldn’t omit things that will cost him money but if he’s not paying for it and he won’t notice it then just go ahead and do it.  You don’t run every single thing you buy at the grocery store by him, do you?

Post # 14
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

 

BurlapnLace:  scratching the bacon bar?! those are some fightin words! lol nobody should scrap anything to do with bacon. Im just saying…. bacon is always necessary. 🙂

If there’s not even 5 things than I would definitely just let him know that you want these things and while you know they aren’t necessary, you still would like to do them. So since he won’t have to do anything to make these things happen, just be a little more pushy about it and let him know that these fun little extras are something you ar elooking forward to.

Post # 15
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t care how big or small the decision is, it’s not right to go behind his back just because you don’t want him to say “no”. You wouldn’t want him to do that to you.

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