Post # 1
Although FH and I have talked about this again and again, we haven’t come to an agreement yet.
First, some background: he has a large, close, mostly in-state family (including step-families on both sides) and I have a not-so-large, not-so-close, almost entirely out-of-state family (my mother passed away when I was a teenager as well and my brother and sister are young and single with no kids). He has been to a lot of relatives’ and friends’ weddings, and he says most of them had a lot of people including everyone’s children. Although he was reluctant at first, we agreed to not invite children to the wedding because of the added costs
My two FSILs have children, and they will all be in the wedding party (except for the new baby), so they are the exception to the “no children” rule. FH also has a stepbrother who has two young kids who are not in the wedding party…so do I have to invite them too? The dilemma is that they are young (4 and 1) and I have seen what it is like when all 7 nieces/nephews/stepnephews get together- it’s like a playground- but I don’t want to cause family drama. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids…and I may be biased because I sent presents to both future stepnephews for their birthdays and never got a thank you for either from their father (they have two different mothers, one is the girlfriend of FH stepbrother). It’s also easier to explain to guests who wanted to bring kids but weren’t allowed that the only kids at the wedding will be kids in the wedding party, in my opinion.
FH thinks it should be assumed they are coming bc they are “immediate family”. He is not close with his stepbrother and would only talk to him if they happened to be at the same family event (which are fairly frequent). I think he just doesn’t want to cause drama with his stepmother (who had her own invite list…that’s another story)..which I suppose is understandable, although it is my dad who is paying for the wedding.
Should I just let it go and invite the two stepnephews? Or should I stand my ground and be prepared for whatever drama ensues?
Post # 3
For me, personally, because it’s family, you should allow/invite the other nieces and nephews. You said they have different mothers and are young – perhaps the stepbrother won’t even want to bring them and will appreciate a “free” night out.
I wouldn’t worry about your other guests that you already told “no kids.” To me, there is always an exception for immediate family. Just my 2 cents.
Post # 4
I think whatever you choose, you have to fair across the board.. either kids or no kids and not certain kids. I’m of the belief that a wedding is an adult event and not meant to be a playground for kids. That being said, I think there are definitely “kid friendly” weddings and if you plan on having activities or someone assigned to avoid turning it in to a kid playground, go for it. I think you know the kids best and know what type of behavior to expect, how they are parented, and if it’s likely that a kid might have a few moments during your wedding. I think parents should understand if you don’t want them there and appreciate that they get a night out to enjoy without having to chase around their kids.
Post # 5
@Merbear820: stand your ground.
this comes up frequently here and for the most part, it’s pretty common for the bee’s to say this.
IF you allow these children, who are NOT in the bridal party, other parents are gonna be pissed that THEY couldn’t bring their children.
Personally, if your FI doesn’t deal with the calling and telling, then I’d do it. I’ve already done it once with his parents and he knew I would and I told him after I did it. He stood behind me completely and agreed I was in the right. Different reason, but that’s how he is.
good luck and I hope it works out for you!
Post # 6
I would hope that your FI would “stand your ground” with you. It will inevitably lead to hard feeling on the part of others if one couple is allowed to bring children and the rest are not.
Post # 7
I think VERY best thing to do in this situation is to TALK to your FH’s step brother. Tell him you aren’t having any kids, other than the ones in the wedding party, and you’d like to know what he’d comfortable with (assuming you are ok with him bringing them, which I think they get a pass because they are immediate family (even though he’s a step brother). If he wants to bring him, let him. If he’d rather get a sitter, then let him go that route.
Talking to parents about the sensitive issue is KEY. I made the mistake of not talking to a cousin about it, and he was deeply offended and didn’t even come to the wedding. Ouch. It’s one of the things I wish I could do again.
The friends I talked to- more of a ‘I’m not sure what we are going to do about kids – how do you feel?’ where very good about giving me their opinion (mostly it was: we are flexible – do what you think best) were very receptive to my decision to NOT having kids – I’m pretty sure in part because they knew that decision might be coming (vs. being blindsided by the invite).
Post # 8
This is a tough one. On one hand I can see saying No children that aren’t in the wedding party, but I do see where there could be drama if the children in the immediate family are not invited. I don’t think that you should have to worry about saying no kids, and the understanding that the bridal party children are an exception; but there maybe family fallout, or a misunderstanding. I think you need to decide based on whether you are okay knowing that and dealing with it or want to skip the drama.
Post # 9
I agree it should be across the board. We are having a no kids wedding and my fsil is upset their cousin cannot bring their special needs child. And by special needs I mean high maintenance and separation issues. His whole family are in state. My entire family is out of state and that means NONE of my cousins are coming. They’re parents have to make weekend arrangements. So, I still said no. If my “separation issues” cousins are not coming, his are not either. I do not want a single child at our wedding.