Post # 1
I’m 4 weeks into planning and already feel a bit worn out…
Long story short me and my fiancé live in a different city than our families. When we got engagned we wanted to do a destination wedding but because some of our siblings have a lot of kids we decided against due to the cost for them. Me and my fiancé are paying for the wedding, unfortunately my parents both passed so no financial support there. WE decided to have the wedding in our city over a loong weekend so our families could make a weekend event out of it. We live 4 -5 hours away from them so they can drive and the cost will be minimal compared to destination..
Here is the problem:
I am a part time student… he wants to go back to school as well.
We want to keep the wedding very small and intimate (max 75 people).. I have a rather large immediate family (13 nieces and nephews), him not so much. So we decided that we would not be paying for kids at the reception at the price of 125+ a plate its just not ideal. We have been telling our families we will be paying for a babysitter (which I think is more than fair) and some are giving us a hard time. To sum it up his mother had a fit and said we are depriving her granchildren from a weding blah blah blah…
Bees – I really don’t know what to do . I understand stress comes with planning a wedding but I never expected such an un – supportive response. Now since we are tired of people making this only about their kids we figured maybe we’ll just change and do a destination and whoever comes can just bring their kids..
Post # 2
My experience from wedding planning was that it just got more intense the further I got into it. Initial small obstacles with parents grew exponentially as well. So, in case you already feel tired and a little disappointed with your family – make it easier for yourself!
We had a DW for us, that is we flew across the entire North Atlantic to have the wedding where my family lives. They were all able to attend, but it was seriously one of the most stressful things I’ve ever gone through. Retrospect, I just wish we would have gone somewhere nice and quiet and got married with minimal attendance.
On a personal note – if you’re both students/students to be, take the money and go on a nice vacation. You never know when you’ll have the opportunity the next time!
Post # 3
simply.gould: If you don’t want to invite kids, then don’t invite them! it is your wedding and you are paying – it is rude for your FMIL to insist that you do this, as it is reasonable to have an adult-only wedding.
You and FI need to be together on this, and I suggest he deal with his mother. Since you are only 4 weeks into your planning, for now, he can let his mother know “Sorry mom, but we haven’t been able to fully decide on our guest list. However, simply gould and I wish to have a small, intimate wedding, and cannot accommodate kids.” That’s the end of the discussion. Don’t justify your decision by providing reasons for it – that just opens the door to rebuttal.
My FMIL did the same and my FI handled it that way, and ended the call with “I’m sorry you feel this way, but this is what we’ve decided. I’m going to end the call now, good night.”
HOWEVER, if you really want a destination wedding go for it! I do think it is nice to be considerate of your siblings in realizing the burden on them… but it is YOUR wedding.
Post # 4
blushingbride2bee: you are absolutely correct. It’s amazing that you are planning this huge event and people try to always make it about themselves… we will try your suggestion!
Post # 5
My FH and I got engaged last June and although initially we did not want a big wedding, as soon as we announced our engagement and saw how excited everyone was, the more I wanted a “real” wedding. We live in an expensive city in the Northeast US and we both have large extended families and lots of friends. We are paying for our wedding ourselves. We decided to do a destination wedding in New Orleans over Memorial Day weekend. As a bonus, and similar to you, we did not want kids at our wedding and New Orleans is not the kind of place you bring young children. The thing to remember about a destination wedding is that not everyone you want to be there will be able to come. We have family in friends expecting babies around our wedding day, some who can not afford it, some who just don’t like to fly or travel. You two have to first think about whether or not you will be happy with a destination wedding if it means certain people will not attend. Best wishes!
Post # 6
@destinationbride514 had great points for you to consider. We had an incredible DW that was lighter on stress than a traditional wedding, however there were people who were unable to travel, like my grandmas.
Post # 7
I’m having both a DW wedding and then a reception “at home”. I’m still in the process of planning the reception at home and I have to say, the DW was so much less stressful!
Side note, does the venue you are looking at have an option for a kids meal? Sometimes they are reasonably priced (20-30$ for a three course meal).
Post # 8
destinationbride514: sweetpea3363: yes, I definitely understand certain people, then, will not be able to make it. I figure though maybe just allow people to weed themselves out since we are having such a hard time.
mumkin: no they do not. In addition though, I just don’t want kids there.
Post # 9
simply.gould: we definitely expected a lot of people to decline. using destination as an excuse to keep the invites to a minimum and implying that it would be very small and intimate, we invited our families (both sides large) and closest friends but no coworkers and very few of our family friends. out of 142 possible, 67 will attend which surprised us because we only thought 50 at most would come. what we realized about our situation is that so many of our friends are joining us and not as much family.I think this is partly due to our age (I’m early 30’s and FH is 35) and a lot of our relatives were not worried about dissapointing us because we are grown. Totally understandable. Our friends, even with small children and or small disposable income will be the majority of our party which we did not expect. something to consider 🙂
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2014 - Villa Celeste
Given the fact that YOU’RE paying for the wedding it should be done EXACTLY the way that you want it. I was in the same position you are just a couple years ago. My fiance and I actually started planning and put a downpayment on a venue in L.A where we live. Long story short, it wasn’t what either of us had envisioned. I guess I felt pressure from my parents because they had always wanted a big blowout wedding. They’re incredibly traditional/family oriented and think everyone and their mother should be in attendance. Whereas the fiance and I do not care for a huge wedding, in the typical venue. I understand that some people want all that, and I completely respect them, but ever since we switched to destination mentality, the planning has gone from stressful to fun.
I honestly believe that a wedding is your day to be selfish. And certainly not a day you want to look back at and feel like it wasn’t the way you wanted it to be. My family was dissapointed initially, but they moved on and now the ones that are attending (all of my immediate family will be) are thrilled for a weekend getaway.
Post # 11
sweetpea3363: I loved your video!!!
Post # 12
MeandMyLouboutins: With 2 daughters’ weddings, in the last 18 months, one of the greatest hassles were MIL and and grandmothers of the couple, and having an adult wedding. My MIL wrote 2 nasty e-mails, to my daughter the bride insisting that “weddings are for families” and “all about families.” She just wanted to see her son’s family, because she doesn’t fly any more and the last few times they’ve visited her, it’s because she treated them to a vacation at a resort. Not only were his kids never going to be invited, he and his wife weren’t even invited (they didn’t even has the courtesy to RSVP, to the 1st wedding, and the 2nd one was half the size). I had to avoid her the entire night of the wedding, I was still so furious. And at neither weddings did the MIL &Gs, who complained about kids not being invited offer to pay for their plate, which was the full adult rate, for almost all the kids (13+).
Offer to have a special kids party, in a separate room; they can be around for photos and they’ll have more fun.