(Closed) Should I Leave? I feel so confused

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
3992 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

When you told him you were moving out before he came home, what was his reaction?

Post # 4
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If he doesn’t you put first now he never will. You have to make the decision if you are okay with being second or not. It sounds like you aren’t. You are doing the right thing by leaving and doing what will make you happy. It will be hard because you love him but it will be really good for you in the end. Maybe it will make him realize he doesn’t treat you like he should. Or he’ll realize he is better off with someone who doesn’t want to get married.

You will find the person you are meant to be with. For now, make you happy.

Post # 5
4496 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Birdee106:  +1. Nothing is going to change when you get married. You have to ask yourself if you are okay going on forever with the way things are right now? It doesn’t sound like it

Post # 6
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Starshine32:  It sounds like you’re doing the right thing.  If you stayed, things would certainly not get better.  Its possible being apart will give the two of you time to think and maybe work on things and improve them.  Its also possible they won’t work out and you’ll go your own ways.  As painful as that will be, it won’t be as painful as being in a miserable marriage and going through a miserable divorce.  If your Fiance won’t prioritize you now, he never will.  You deserve better than that.

Post # 8
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

If he’s that reluctant to get married and to put you first, then I would definitely leave and rethink the relationship. I mean really, he can’t give you his undivided attention after 10 pm? There’s something wrong there. He should want to spend time with you.


I’m sorry girl, I hope you figure things out and become much happier, whether it’s single or with him. But I think you would be happier in the long run if you left. That’s just my two cents. 

Post # 9
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Starshine32:  Try to do your best not to get hopeful that he’ll back for you back. There is a bigger chance that he won’t. If he never wanted to get married he has probably felt a little trapped and this might be exactly what he needs. Just try to take care of you for now.

Also, hit the ‘reply’ button below our comments to have our names copied. 🙂

Post # 10
522 posts
Busy bee

I remember your other posts.

Listen, relationships are work but with the right man that work is happily undertaken and both parties are committed to doing it. Right now it seems like you’re the only one contributing and it makes me very sad to see that you’re still having these problems!

There’s nothing wrong with being politically active but for the most fanatical of these people, unfortunately, there seems to be no regular life/protest balance.

I think you need to realize that this is who he is. If you are as fervent about protesting as this man is you’re not going to suddenly wake up and dial it down. It’s not going to happen.

I think you need to honestly break up. He’s not going to change. He’s not going to find that balance you’re looking for. He might get better for a little but eventually it’ll creep back in again. This is his passion. If you’re not OK with him as he is you should leave. It won’t change 🙁

Post # 11
7653 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t want to marry me and wouldn’t spend time with me. I think he likes the ‘perks’ of having a girlfriend, but doesn’t really want to committment or responsibility of a relationship. You are making a big and great step by moving out. Maybe he will learn to appreciate you more now that he REALLY doesn’t have to around all the time.

Post # 13
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Starshine32: I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. One of my best friends was in a very similar situation (even down to the activist partner) except that she got married. Less than a year later, they’re filing for divorce. As heartbreaking as it is, I think you need to leave this relationship. You two want different things. More than the marriage issue, it sounds like your SO is not willing to make you a priority in his life and that will only get worse as life progresses. 

If I were you, I would not go to Cuba with him. Your problems are much more deep-rooted than can be fixed by a trip. 

Post # 14
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012


He doesn’t want to break up and he says he doesn’t want to lose me, he just doesn’t want to put me first.

He said THIS or he said “activism will always be my #1 priority” or something like that?


Dating for 2 years, this is THE TIME where you try to figure out whether what you already have is worth marrying or not.  It is perfectly OK to love him but realize that you are probably not going to get what you need for a marriage, because you aren’t getting it now. 

It seems he’d have to change some things in order for this to meet your needs – things he is aware of already (correct?) – in order for you to feel really good and happy about going into a marriage. 

I’m of the notion that you date someone and be happy with everything you see, flaws and all. right now, as is – then you marry.  However this is not the case for you.  You’re hoping for some changes.  I know you think they are very possible changes (hence the hard decision to stay or leave), but if you’re not seeing what you like right now and he’s aware, then it’s best to set him free.

Post # 15
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013



Have you tried approaching it from an emotional stand point vs. logistics? Often with my Fiance, who can get very caught up in his own world, if I go at him from a I need you to spend time with me. He’s not really listening and is defensive. But if I come to him saying “I love you and want a long happy life together. I’m really sad right now because I’m lonely and I feel insignificant to you. Is there any way you could help me feel better?” I get his attention and he is on my side rather than against me. I just wonder if that approach would work better?


Did he really say he “doesn’t want to put you first”? In those words? If so, I might re-think my response. Otherwise, it sounds more like he’s just not able to hear you and that is totally fixable.

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