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I am an active member on this board, but this post is too personal to post under my username. I'm really emotionally and physically broken and not sure how much longer I can stay in my marriage. I love my husband, when he is good, but those moments are few and far between. He brings me to tears and frustration daily and I'm lost as what to do...I think I know what I should do, but I don't believe in divorce, we got married for a reason, and I have my son to consider...Sorry this is might be long, but here is what goes on daily...
My husband is the biggiest jerk I ever met. He wasn't like this when we first met or even right before we were married, but now is the most self consumed individual ever. He does not give me any money for anything. I work very part time because we have a young baby and he has severe allergies, does not sleep and is a lot of work for ME. DH does not help with him at all. The baby cries and DH will not get up to help. There have been times where I have been exhausted and did not her him crying for DH to tell me later that DS cried for hours and "why didn't I get him" instead of him coming up stairs to help DS.
My husband works, comes home, watches TV, goes to sleep, get's up in the morning, cooks HIMSELF food, goes to the gym, showers and goes to work. Does the same thing every day. I interact with him for about 5 minutes each morning and evening. DH sleeps on the sofa and basically resufes to sleep in bed with me. Claims he can't stand the sound of the baby nursing. DH also does not let me get near him most of the time. Tells me to "go away", "get out of here", etc. It hurts me because I just want him to love me in return. Months will go by between times that we have sex and he says he "doesn't feel like it" or "he is tired". I am tired too, but feel like we should be having sex more than once every 2.5 months as newlyweds.
Like I said I only work part time so I don't make much. I work to pay my college loans basically, but I also have to pay for all of DS's medical bills, all of his clothing, my own food, and DH thinks I should be paying half our rent and some of our other bills, but that is impossible for me right now and I know it pisses him off that i don't. I seriously do not have money to feed myself and thankfully my parents feed me everyday because they know my husband expects me to shop for myself, etc. My mom also buys most everything else I need because she knows I cannot afford anything and my husband puts that added pressure on me.
Currently I cannot drive and DH has been dropping me off at my parents when he goes to work and they have been taking me to work and back home. He does complain when he does this. Today he decided that he could not take the 5 minutes it takes to drop me off (we live right down the street from their house) out of his busy schedule and when I went to get the babies things he left without saying a word! Well actually he sat in the car in the driveway for 20 minutes and when I went outside backed out of the driveway!
He makes comments about the way I look saying I have an "egg head" etc all the time. I got him a nice gift that I really could not afford for Christmas, and i know he is going to say it is stupid or he doesn't want it etc, so I don't know why I bothered. I bought all of our son's Christmas presents...DH has literally only paid for the following for our son: his crib, dresser, 1 of his car seats, and ergo carrier, and L&D bills...That is it! He has only been to 3 of DS doctor visits. DS goes to the doctor a few times a month and specialist after specialist. I travel hours to see his allergist and yet he cannot come or take an interest.
I fear what would happen if he had him in his care because he does not know anything about his allergies or care to learn. When we found out about them and I had to restrict certain foods, he decides to eat nothing but those foods! So frustrated. He's coming...gotta go....
We can't tell you to leave your Husband. That is a decision you should make on your own.
However, I would NEVER put up with ANY of that. But that's me.
Leave him, take half his stuff and get alimony. You deserve way better than that.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this!
I'd reccomend letting your family in on this if they don't know already, and letting them take you in for shelter and support. There are a lot of issues going on here, that will not be fixed with a change of heart kind of thing. If he is not willing to work on himself, then I think its best to get a divorce and move on. You are pretty much a single mom but walking on eggshels.
I'm so sorry! I am praying for you!
If I were in your situation, yes, I'd leave him. That's not a marriage.
I agree. We can't tell you what to do. But I can tell you that he is no husband. Maybe in name, but you are basically room-mates. He does not support you, you are struggling even though you do have a husband, and he seems to be very checked out of the relationship and distant from his family. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
How horrible. I am so terribly sorry that you and your son are going through this sort of treatment. As a PP said, we can't tell you to leave your husband, but personally - I would NEVER stay in situation such as this. Especially with a child now.
I wish you and your son the best of luck. I can only imagine how you must feel.
this is beyond horrible. I would not be able to live with any of this.
All I can say is WTF?
First off, is your son his? (sorry to ask). His issues sound like he has MAJOR jealousy issues with baby. Was DS planned or an accident?
I agree with PP, we can't TELL you to leave as that's your personal decision to make, but you don't deserve this life, neither does your baby. You don't beleive in divorce you say...but do you beleive in abuse? Becasue that's what you are going through right now.
Since you have a close relationship with your parents can you talk to them? What about staying with your parents for a little while and going to counseling with DH. Was it like this before the baby was born? Did you ever have any discussion about money before having a child? I just didn't know if it's always been like this or just since you had your son.
I agree with SuperKate, thats not a marriage, thats not even a friend..... I think you need to have a long talk with your family and come up with a game plan with them for you and your son's future. *Big Hug*
I can't tell you what to do but I would absolutely leave him. I am so sorry you are in this situation because it sounds absolutely HORRIBLE. Have you talked with your parents about it?
A discussion board can't answer that question. But what I can say is that while you may have a marriage license, to me you don't have a marriage.
ETA: I agree with the PP, he sounds resentful of the baby. Would a separation help? Could you move into your parents home? Have you proposed counseling? How did you handle fiances prior to the wedding/birth of son? Did you discuss how you'd handle them? Has your husband ever taken care of your son? Does he act like this around other kids? Does he do shopping for the food that he cooks for himself and what would happen if you cooked it for a meal everyone? When did the lack of engagement between the two of you happen?
ETA2: Talk to a lawyer. Your state may require spousal support (which is more than you are currently getting from him).
This sounds terrible! Is he physically abusive? I'm not going to tell you to leave him, but if it was me I would get the h*ll out of there. What changed that he had such a personality flip? No doubt he needs counseling to learn how to treat other humans. I would also talk with a lawyer and see how they would handle him not knowing the 1st thing as to how to take care of your DS that way you know what may lie ahead of you. Are you documenting any of this?Definitely get your parents informed.
Nobody deserves to be treated like this. Good luck hun.
I would. Tell him you are moving in with your parents (if possible) until he learns how a partnership works, or agrees to at least try to communicate and figure out what the problem is. ((HUGS))
Usually I am the first one to say that counseling is the way to go but in this case, I say get out. GET OUT! You and DS DO NOT deserve to be treated that way. HOW DARE HE?!
I think you need to take your son and go to your parent's place for a bit.
You are in an abusive situation. He seems like he's trying to completely destroy you and your son and doesn't care at all about your feelings or your well being.
You do not deserve to be treated like this. You are his wife and he is treating you like a second class citizen.
I can't tell you what to do, but if I were in your shoes, I would not be staying in a situation that detrimental to my mental health.
No one can tell you what to do. You must make that decision for yourself. However, I will say this...
More important than considering how your marriage is affecting you, consider how your marriage is and will affect your child. As a mother, your primary responsibility is to protect your child and that means protecting him from an environment that is unhealthy and unloving. It sounds like you have family nearby who will support you. If it were me, I'd talk to them and figure out a plan. That baby needs love and guidance, not mean comments and a cold heart.
Just remember....you are always, always, always stronger than you think.
**hugs**
I know you cannot tell me to leave him and I always hated seeing posts titled like this myself. It is a personal decision and one I have been struggling with for months. I came back, but only to go leave again without saying a word...
When DS was 8 days old he told me he wanted a divorce because "I did not do or pay for anything". I just had a baby! When DS was 2 months old I found a fake set of divorce papers under our bed and DH threatened to leave me. I met with a laywer (he does not know), stayed with my parents for a little while and DH and I talked. Things we a little better for awhile and I came back only because of our son. We are essentially roommates and I hate that! I got to my parents everyday because I cannot stand being alone. Days DH is off work he sleeps until 3-4 in the afternoon and what am I to do sit around all day? I leave to do stuff and when I come home is when he decidies to do his things...It's like he cannot stand to be near me at all.
The only thing keeping me is our son. I don't want him to have him in his care. He hardly takes and interest, but if I leave I fear he'll fight me for custody just to be an ass. His family does not understand our son's type of allergies and will give him the wrong thing that can send him into shock. My family hardly gets them as well. I just don't know what to do...
We spent so much money on a beautiful wedding that DH cried at, and yet he cannot stand me...
I would seriously recommend counseling. The way he is treating you AND your child is unacceptable. I am sorry you are dealing with this right now.
Have you tried communicating your feelings to him?
@Take The Reins: His son is 100% his! No possible way he could not be as I have only been with my husband. Accident. I was told it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. When we first found out DH kepts saying "f***, our life is over" but when I got upset said we'll be ok. He also left me for 4 hours when I was induced at L&D, and was MIA for the entire day after I had him while in the hospital.
Oh also, DH NEVER answers my calls or texts. I cannot get ahold of him ever. I fell (why I can't drive) and he only answered my text to ask if I was holding DS. When I said he was fine, said "ok" and never asked how I was.
I'd be out of there in a heart beat. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
There is something more. I would say he's lieing by saying he wants a divorce because you don't pay for things. That's his easy way out. Don't buy it.
That's not the behavior of a husband. I don't know what vows you said to each other when you got married, but whatever they were I'm sure he's pretty much nullified his with the way he's acting toward you.
It feels like you're a single mother being allowed to live in someone's house rent-free. I couldn't live like that. I'm not a huge fan of divorce either, but your husband sounds like he's clearly not interested in having a family and just wants to keep going about his life as if he doesn't have a wife and kid, and that's not a marriage.
You and your son deserve a lot better than this. I can't tell you to leave your husband, but you do need to decide if avoiding divorce is a good enough reason to put yourself through this emotional pain day in and day out. More importantly, do you want your son to grow up with a father who views him as an annoyance rather than a beloved child?
What you described doesn't even sound like a marriage. I don't mean that as a judgement, only my first reaction to reading your post.
My heart breaks for you, girl. I can't believe you've put up with that kind of behavior from him for this long. The lack of emotional, physical, and financial support from his is astounding.
If you don't think that he's willing to work on your current situation, I'd take refuge with your family until you can determine the best course of action. Maybe your absence will wake him up; maybe it won't. But maybe it will help you see his true colors, either way.
And no matter what, we're here for you!
I'm sorry you are going through this...it sounds like a horrible way to live...but only you know the answer to your question. Can your parents babysit your son while you go back to work full time? We're expecting our first baby soon and I'd be heartbroken if my husband treats us like that! :(
with that said, I'm almost wondering if you're my sister in law! Though she's chosing to ignore her bf's actions to keep the peace. Her bf had not once held their son even when he's home on his day off, he chooses to go shopping or hang out with his friends. She went back to work almost immediately so that she could have enough money to pay for things while leaving the baby with my husand and my mother in law...whom are the baby's caregiver. He had thrown tandrum when he came home and they gave the baby a bath because it took time away from him showering! When the baby is crying and everyone was busy, he goes into his room, shut the door and crank up his music so he didn't hear him! He's basically a really rude roommate instead of a father figure. I wouldn't tolerate him and I certainly wouldn't tolerate your husband's behavior either. I hope that you can talk to him and show him how ridiculous he's been acting. My sister in law has made every excuse for her bf...at the very least, you are acknowledging your husband's behavior and you should call him out on it.
I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with others that maybe staying at your parents for a while would be a good idea. It would give you both time and space to think about what would be best for everyone. It sounds as though he doesn't have much interest in spending time with your son even when he is there, so I wouldn't let that stop you from leaving, it would be healthier for DS to be out of that situation until things get better.
This is NOT a marriage. Your husband won't FEED the mother of his child because you need to buy your own food?! Are you serious?
My heart is breaking for you.
@brokendown: How long were you together before you got married?
Had he had previoius relationships?
Did you live together before getting married?
When did he start being a jerk? (i.e. how long after the wedding did this behavior start?)
Was your son planned?
I really think you need to take your son and get out of that situation for now. Whether or not your leaving is permanent is up to you. I think you need to lean on your family right now.
Also, as far as I am concerned threatening divorce in a marriage is not an ok tactic. He sounds like he has a lot of issues that need to be worked through. As far as I'm concerned he would need to be going to conseling (and couples counseling) and showing vast improvements before I'd feel comfortable continuing the relationship.
Absolutely leave. As the mother of his child and the woman who loves him enough to pledge her life to him, you deserve so, so, SO much more (AND so much better). He is not a husband, and that is not a marriage. It sounds like he is being intentionally cruel, hurtful, spiteful, and witholding. No one (especially with a child) should be in that isolated and lonely household. I know you'd like to stay together for your son, but think of the atmosphere you're raising him in? I'm sure you want him to grow up to one day be a doting, loving, accepting, comforting, and supportive husband, but that doesn't sound like something he can or will learn from your husband.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're in my thoughts!!
Run, do not walk! Find a shelter if you need to. You need to be LEAVING for your son, not staying.
Did he become like this just after the baby? The reson I ask is because men can suffer fro a form of Postpartum depression as well.
What your husband is actig like is definitely terrible, but I would suggest counselling before just up and leaving him.
I'm not going to say outright that you should leave him, but something's got to change. If he wasn't like this when you got married, maybe there's hope that he can be the person he used to be again. Do you think there's any hope that he would go to counseling with you?
Oh, and I'd start documenting everything you do for your son. Every doctor's appointment you take him to, paperwork you've signed, logs of how you've been working to manage his allergies, medical bills you've paid...basically any concrete evidence of just how much you do for him, so if it does ever come down to a custody battle, you can prove to the courts just how invested in him you've been and how little your husband has been involved.
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