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It seems really odd to me that he is still holding on to that ring. You've made plans to get married that he seems on board with, he already bought the ring... yet he hasn't proposed? I can understand your frustration.
Either he doesn't understand that you want that ring now and not later, in which case perhaps you just have to be more direct (but gentle), or he has something planned for the proposal and it's closer to the start of your vacation.
I can understand your frustration! Knowing that he has the ring and hasn't proposed yet is nerve wrecking! With that said I think you should wait it out a bit longer. No guy likes to be asked when he is going to propose (I know my FI got very annoyed with me even talking about it) they want to do it in their own time. Maybe wait another month or so then just ask him what's up and tell him your feelings. I would make sure to say you aren't pressuring him but you just wanted to know where things stand etc. Good luck!
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so frustrated! And if I were in your shoes I probably would be exactly the same.
I think you need to talk to him very directly about it. It sounds like he either doesn't know that you want to plan the wedding now or thinks you may be engaged despite the lack of proposal or something. I think if you get a chance to explain to him - without getting upset - that this is how you feel then something will click for him. Talk to him about his timeline, explain yours. Don't give up on your dream just yet - there's still time. But make sure he knows that it takes time to plan and organize a wedding - maybe he thinks you can just buy a dress and a plane ticket and Bob's your uncle.
You are more patient than I would be.
I would go to him and say, look, you said you wanted to do St. Lucia in October. If I don't have the ring by the end of this month (end of August) then we can't book that trip as our wedding/honeymoon. That is fine if he isn't ready/whatever, but timeline wise, this just can't happen any later than that.
Stupid question, but does he think that he should give you the ring while you're IN St Lucia (treating it like a wedding band?!)? Maybe he's not clueing in here.... While I'm not one for ultimatums, but maybe he doesn't understand/hasn't thought about the dress situation, etc. It doesn't sound like he's trying to avoid the situation, it just sounds like he's oblivious! I'm so sorry hon, I can totally understand why you're frustrated. I would just have a point blank conversation with him and lay it all out on the line.
Thanks, ladies. I feel better already because of your support.
Just to clarify, the trip is booked. It has been since June. We split the cost. I guess we could always cancel the trip.
You poor thing. Sounds like you two just have different timelines—if he bought the ring, I'm sure he has a plan. Unfortunately, it just differs from yours. Talk to him. Without spoiling his plan for proposal, find out whether you should be considering wedding plans now or thinking of a different approach. Maybe he's planning to propose on your trip? I have no way of knowing, but I do have faith that he's not mindlessly putting it off. I know it's so frustrating, but try to be open to what he thinks. Good luck, girl.
It sounds like you guys have very busy lives. I imagine you're so focused on other things that planning a wedding isn't priority, at least for your boyfriend. I'd tell him how you feel. But I think it doesn't mean anything about your relationship that he hasn't formally proposed - just that you lead busy and fulfilled lives in other ways.
I would explain your confusion to him. Like the others, I wonder if he plans to propose on the trip and doesn't realize you expect him to propose prior to the actual wedding. Or else maybe he thinks the ring will be your wedding ring and he will give it to you at the ceremony.
I would gently explain to him what you've said here about not wanting to go further with the wedding planning without being officially engaged. Tell him you want him to be able to propose how he wants, but that your not sure if that means you should push ahead with the wedding plans, or change the date. My guess is that once you have a real heart to heart about this it will all become clearer. It makes no sense to me that he would buy the ring and tell you to plan the wedding if his intentions weren't to marry you. It sounds like you may have a case of miscommunication.
Wow....he must really not understand the whole "It takes a long time to plan a wedding" thing. You need to legitimately talk about a timeline with him. He seems to really not get that you've been waiting, and the ramifications of that. Especially since you want to get married in less than two months, that needed to happen, like, *yesterday*. I mean, airfare alone needs to be bought at least a month in advance, let alone actually doing the planning for the ceremony. Looks like October may not be happening for you...
Even though the trip is booked, you said it was only cheaper if you have the wedding there. You could still put a deadline on it. Say, look, if we are doing the wedding on 10.10.10 when we are on vacation then I need the month of September to plan (buy a dress, book with the venue, etc). If I don't have a ring on my finger by the end of this month we just can't get married then.
I would blatantly come out and ask him why that ring isn't on my finger. Seems like he's on board with the 10.10.10 wedding but is stalling for some reason you need to find out why.
Maybe he's just procrastinating. You need to explain to him you need to get the ball rolling.
**Food for thought though, Do you think he hasn't propose because he wants to keep it a secret since you plan to elope? I mean it would make things considerably easier if ppl weren't constantly asking when is the wedding?
I have to admit, I was really surprised that so many people said I should talk to him. I thought that questions like this on the waiting board were usually met with "stay quiet, be patient."
Fortunately, we work in the same building so I went up to his office to talk. We had a good conversation, though he got all teary thinking that he had failed me. I tried to tell him that that was not the point and not what I was saying. He said he feels terrible and that he thinks about how to propose to me often but that we've been so busy. He said he wants to do something wonderful but hasn't been able to work it out because of our insane schedules (Of course, I can think of a few dozen great opportunties that have passed, but it is up to him after all.)
He asked me how long I need to plan and I said I wasn't sure but explained how you don't just walk into a store and buy a dress.
I feel better for getting it off my chest, but I don't feel like I'm any better off than I was earlier. I upset him and I feel like I put pressure on him. I didn't really expect an answer but I guess I was expecting to have more of a clue.
Oh well. Back to square one, I guess. I'll try to be patient and see what happens.
Thanks everyone for your responses, advice and support. I really appreciate it.
I think talking to him was a good idea (I also voted for that above). It sounds like he really didn't know how long you needed to plan, and maybe he was even thinking of proposing the first day of vacation and getting married somewhere in the middle there. Because you did talk with him, and found out that he thinks this trip is your wedding/honeymoon too, I think he will get his rear in gear and propose sooner than later.
And just something to say here...I don't think you have at all pressured him into this. It's clear that he WANTS to marry you, but life is getting in his way. I say that you should continue planning and the engagement will only be a matter of time at this point.
I think it is very good that you talked to him. I know you feel bad that you made him feel bad, but he needed to know how you feel. He doesn't want you to feel sad or hurt because of anything he did or didn't do. He wants to make you happy, and he cannot do that if he doesn't know what you're feeling.
Sometimes we have to tell our partners things that we don't really want to tell them because we don't want to hurt them or put any added pressure on them. But healthy relationship require that we do things that are difficult and uncomfortable sometimes. If we don't then the relationship isn't healthy.
Plus, it is really, really important to set the stage for these kinds of conversations early, before the wedding. It sets up how you deal with the difficult conversations after the wedding. If you avoid them before the wedding, it will be even harder to approach these things after the wedding.
He loves you. His reaction shows that. I don't think you have anything to worry about. You have a good man there.
I'm so glad you talked to him! I think he just honestly didn't realize. Don't feel bad for "pressuring" him. The guy has had the ring for SEVEN MONTHS. He cannot in good faith complain that he is being pressured. Clearly, a bit of pushing was necessary.
I'm sure this will resolve itself very soon now!
DO NOT FEEL BAD! You may have made him feel bad, but he's been making YOU feel bad and pretty much for no reason other than, he's disorganized. Men are often guilty of being clueless and this is a classic case. He had no idea, I'm sure, that a wedding cannot just be thrown together in a week. Men also are terrible at planning ahead, keeping track of anything, and NOT flying by the seat of their pants. It sounds like he's pretty spontaneous and that's good, but somethings require planning. My guy is totally like this. I have spelled out exactly how he can go about finding my ring so that when his spontanaity hits and he decides to buy it, he won't be slowed down by having to 'plan.'
Maybe tonight have another little chat. You could tell him, "I just need to know, are we officially engaged and are we getting married on 10.10.10? You can propose 'officially' and can give me the ring any time, any way you'd like, it does not have to be right now, but I do need to know if this is happening that day so I can plan everything and make sure we're ready."
I'm glad you mentioned it to him. That's really the only thing you can do. Getting married (IMO) is a team decision and being on the same page and at least knowing what's going on in the other person's head is the way to go. It's easy to let stuff slip, ya know?
I agree it's great you talked to him!
I do think guys don't realize all the pressures brides-to-be have to deal with, and the weirdness of completing some wedding related tasks while not officially engaged.
The whole "pressure"....well, I agree with Lezlers. He's had the ring for a long time. And your feelings are YOUR business, you were sharing them with him and I'm sure you did it in a non-blaming manner. If he wants to feel pressured, those are his feelings and therefore HIS business.
I quote Byron Katie here, she said something like "you have to learn to mind your own business. There are 3 kinds of business in this world: mine (how I think/feel react), yours (how you feel/think/react, what you think of me, etc) , and God's (this includes majori disasters, earthquakes, traffic, everything else outside of our control). What you think of me is none of my business" I love the simplicity of this. We can't control how others react to us, we can only know that we've spoken our truth and be at peace with that.
You guys are the best. Really. Thank you. I feel much better. You make some excellent points.
I'll keep you posted as things progress. (They're going to progress, right???) ;)
Awwww okay it's really sweet that he got all concerned that he had failed you. The poor guy, he clearly loves you SO much! I understand how he could want to wait for "the perfect moment", I think my FI wanted the same. That's the sign of a guy with a huge heart, he wants nothing but everything you dreamed of. I'm so happy you talked to him and that you guys are communicating about this. I think so many guys get wrapped up in finding the perfect moment, the perfect way, planning this huge event, when really, to us, proposing in the kitchen in the middle of making dinner would be fantastic!
It sounds too like you guys need to try to clear a bit of time for each other for date nights or whatever. Having quiet time together will give him more of an opportunity to plan something and also will help you with your communication. Plus who doesn't want some quiet time with their loved one?!
It sounds like you've made some good progress already with him! Boys sometimes really are just clueless about the whole wedding planning thing and how long it takes! There is also huge pressure on them to provide the "dream proposal" so it sounds like hes been thinking of it and trying to think of something special.
Hopefully he doesnt keep you waiting much longer and you can start planning the dream wedding!
Good job talking to him!
Hopefully he understands now that you need some time to plan.
A perfect opportunity isn't just going to pop up, the guy has to make it happen. Guys just don't think/dwel on marriage like girls do. So, while we would be doing everything we can to make it happen, they just mostly don't think like that.
Since you know you are both on the same page about getting married in St. Lucia in October, why don't you shop for a dress now? To me it only seems logical that you could buy a dress w/o the ring so he no longer feels pressure and can wait for a great moment to propose without stressing you out.
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In January, SO and I were in the Caribbean when he shocked me by purchasing a gorgeous diamond engagement ring for me. He’s a pretty traditional guy, and since he wanted to wait to make it official and propose to me formally, after wearing the ring to dinner (his idea) I gave it back to him to give it to me later.
Little did I know that 7 months later we would still not be officially engaged. Back when he got the ring he said that he wants to get married before the end of the year. We’re both older and have been married before. We agreed that it would be fun to elope and get married on a beach somewhere.
Of course I started thinking about wedding plans as soon as we got back from that trip. By March I had decided that my dream would be to get married in St. Lucia. I also really wanted to get married on 10-10-10. It is a cool number and it my mother’s birthday.
I figured we had plenty of time to plan, but I got busy searching for travel packages (and naturally, all things wedding-related). We were talking about taking a fall vacation, and when June came I was really frustrated that I couldn’t officially plan our wedding. I told him I wanted to plan our vacation and he said to go for it. I gently explained that I was kind of hoping that in light of our previous conversations, that the October trip would be our weddingmoon/honeymoon. He said he hadn’t thought of that but loved the idea.
I gave him info about different deals like cruises and different destinations. I explained that while St. Lucia would be more expensive, if it was going to be our wedding/honeymoon, it should be more special than a regular vacation. I also explained that if we were to get married there, the resort gives us a free wedding because we would be staying 7 days. And with that cost savings, it turns out to make the St. Lucia package a good value. I spelled out all of the options for him (in a detailed email) and he responded that he wanted to do St. Lucia.
Well, that was 2.5 months ago and I’m still ringless. In a related conversation the other day, I mentioned that it had been 7 months since he bought the ring and he was genuinely surprised. He said he didn’t realize it had been that long yet didn’t really provide an explanation as to why.
We’ve both been very busy this year – he’s training for Ironman, I’m in the midst of a career change. He says he has absolutely no doubts about us or our future together, but it is making me really sad. I don’t want to talk to him about this because I don’t want to pressure him or steal his thunder. But I’m becoming more and more withdrawn and he doesn’t know why. I am starting to take his stalling very personally.
I know he doesn’t realize that I need some time to plan if we’re going to get married in October. I refuse to try on dresses or do any more than I already have without a ring on my finger. I don’t want anything fancy, but I don’t want a mad rush to get ready for my wedding day.
I don’t know what to do now. Should I just let go of the idea of a St. Lucia wedding and just try to enjoy the trip. Do I say something to him? I don’t want to pressure him to propose. I want him to do it when he’s ready and how he wants to do it. Should I just plan to get a dress off craigslist if he proposes shortly before our trip?
Help me out, bees. What should I do?