Weddingbee boards

I am divorced and had a LTR after. In both relationships, I thought I got it right. My divorce was tougher as it was my first serious relationship. When I was about to graduate from college, he moved out and couldn't tell me where he moved to.

The fact he left me at a pivotal time in my life made it easier. Also, he cheated on me. I found out from knowing his password, and saw he had been chatting with ladies and lying about being married. He even said that he had an ex that was a roommate (3 months before we officially broke up!). He put me down a lot and he kept on chiding how my college degree wouldn't amount to anything. He expected his food cooked and his clothes washed when he came home. He'd brag about how he was making $40K when I was still in college making less than $20K. He made it easy to hate him, but I couldn't really let it go until my anger subsided. I couldn't do a thing to have changed his mind. I thought being a Marine would give him a better sense of personal honor. Guess not.

But when I was able to let go of my anger, I was also able to let go of the fact that there's nothing left to be said. I stopped all contact with him after the divorce and stopped wondering about him. For all I know...he is probably still in college or dropped out while I'm now a professor. In the case of being a "strong and smart" woman, I think that relationship emcompassed how inadequate he must have felt and kept on acting as if he were the smarter and more clever counterpart.

The LTR after my divorce dissipated over time. He also cheated on me. And I used to wonder why I  kept on committing myself to cheating men. One of the markers I looked for was respect for women. Ironically, it's a really hard thing to have in a man. Both exes had poor relationships with their mothers. Their mothers both abandoned them in some way, and they had a hard time completing menial household tasks on their own. They both demeaned me verbally. And funnily enough, they were both my height and short for men.

I let that one go over time. He cheated on me while I was mourning my grandpa's death. When I saw the signs of infidelity, I knew we were done. He would argue and complain every inch if I tried to even suggest couple's counseling. He proved to be not worth one ounce of what I had given him. Even after the breakup, I gave him respect and dignity by not communicating with him, especially when he was dating the girl he left me for. It made it much easier for me to move on.

So two things that I've learned over the past decade about "letting go":

1. Forgive yourself for being angry. Anger is normal, but don't take it out on him because it wouldn't have changed the outcome. I spent months trying. Exercise, take boxing, do yoga (that's what I did to take out the negative energy).

2. Respect yourself by initiating no contact whatsoever. You'll find that your life is much more fullfilling without their toxic presence.

I wish you the very best, OP.