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Well I'm not married and probably shouldn't be the first to comment on this, but oh well. :) I think you should try to figure out exactly why you have cold feet. Is it because your FH has poor money management skills? that you don't fully trust he'll be committed? or it because he leaves his dirty socks laying around? or burps in front of company. Figure out what's important to you and why you want to get married. If you find yourself doubtful, then your cold feet should not be ignored. If you find yourself confident in your decision, then your cold feet are just an annoyance and shouldn't be taken too seriously. Best wishes!
I had a few moments. Mostly concerned with how we were going to handle issues concerning his kids. We talked about it - which is always the right thing to do - and it didn't take long to resolve. I think the issue is WHY don't you want to get married? Is there some specific thing that isn't working in the relationship, or do you just feel like it's not the right thing for you? Can you really make a reasonable commitment to make it work? Our conclusion after talking through the issues was that we were both willing to do whatever it took to make it work out okay. If you can't talk about the problem with your FI, and you can't both decide that you'll commit to working out any issues you have, then it probably isn't the right thing. I think the most helpful thing is to realize that YES - it is for life. And it won't always be fun or easy. And it will probably seldom be perfect. And if, recognizing that, you still thinking you're better off with him than without him, then it's a good thing. If what you're really feeling is "I love this guy, but I don't think I do want to spend the rest of my life with him" (for whatever reason) then it probably isn't right.
I really can't help you here because not I'm getting married until11/08/08. My FI and I have been together for 3 years and the wedding is also in 2 months, but I'm getting cold feet too!
I am scared to death because I will never have that feeling of "first date, first kiss, first anything..." I love it when you are in a relationship and you get those butterflies and the anticipation if he's going to ask me out or hold my hands...
I'm not much help here either...but I would really love to hear some advice too about how I can overcome this...
What if you just LOVE that person, but you're not IN LOVE? This is my delimma...
is it HIM specifically you can't see getting married to, or do you have a hard time fathoming the whole concept of "'til death do us part"? I have a hard time with the latter, but I know I cannot picture my life w/o my FI and it's not just bc we are "comfortable"...if you need that thrill, you need to find a way to have new experiences together, such as travel or a (cooking) class...maybe do some PM counseling before throwing in the towel...good luck!
Well....how old are you? How long have you two been together? Have you had enough life experience to feel that you know what you're looking for? Can you picture yourself next to him in a rocker on the porch in your old age?
Not that those questions would tell anyone the right answer, anyway....as a mere stranger on the Internet, I have no idea whether you should marry him now, two months from now, ten years from now, or never.
I guess I would try to think about why I said yes to his proposal in the first place. And, if my reasons were good, I'd stick with it and try to enjoy my relationship and not to second-guess myself.
And if my reasons were not so good, I guess I would try to exit now, b/c as hard as that would be, it would be even harder after you're married.....so I hope that you will make the right decision based on your love/wants/needs and not on the fact that some vendor deposits have been paid and such.
I really don't think it's abnormal to get jitters. Marriage is a HUGE deal obviously. I'll be married 5 years on Saturday (where did the time go?) and sometimes when I'm stressed out with a dirty house, sick child, two days until pay day, I swear I even pine for a first kiss, first date, something different! It's not because I don't absolutely love my husband and my daughter, it's because times were easier before all of this. Life is so simple when you are living for you, but it's nowhere near as rich and fulfilling either. When the stress of planning and the thought of merging your lives together gets to be too much, I can see how it would freak people out. So, I think as long as you're having just general freak outs, you're fine. If you're worried about something specific you need to talk to your FI and work it out. Marriage does NOT make things easier!
I don't have much insight but thought I'd point youto a fabulous column by Carolyn Hax in the Washington Post that has a great list of questions to ask yourself before getting married: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/08/15/AR2008081500928.html
I hope this helps -- good luck!
(And please remember, if you do decide marriage isn't right for you right now, it is probably much easier to call off the wedding -- even the day before -- than to deal with a divorce.)
Novbride08 - I think it is normal to have small moments of panic when you really understand, truly, for the first time that marriage means forever . I didn't personally have a serious case of cold feet, but I also got married at 31 to a man who was 33. We both had dated others a fair amount and knew what we wanted and were ready.
I think the details are important for you to decide, and only you can decide. In addition to loving him, do you feel you are a good team? Can you see yourselves nagivating all the challenges of life together? Do you feel ready to be someone's wife? Are there very specific concerns you have? If you have a trusted friend you can talk to - who will help you think it through but not tell you what to do - that could be helpful.
I agree with maryalison that if it isn't right, it is better to call it off now then get divorced later. You are strong to be admitting how you are feeling instead of just shoving it aside.
When my firends describe us, they say we are two peas in a pod. We are not identical, but we complement each other very well. In places he lacks, I have an abundance and vice versa. We were friends for a very long time so we know each other very well.
But we are so different. He's laid back, easy going, no worries in the world, passive and a kid at heart. I am uptight, go by the schedule, worrier, agressive and a old lady in a young persons body! haha! WE do complement each other, but i'm worried about those differences.
But I know that those differences are being more noticeable as we get ready for our wedding...which leads to my cold feet...
And my firend know me best and they all say to brush it off bc im such a worry freak by nature~
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Have you had any premarital counseling? Our pastor gave us the Meyer's-Briggs test, and did a lot of counseling based on our results. On the surface, I am OCD-list-making girl, while DH is really laid back. However, when you start digging further, I really love to be more spontaneous when it appears to be a safe thing to do, and he really worries when he doesn't have the details at least figured out in his head. So not only do we complement each other, we really value the differences in our personality types. Someone just like me would drive me crazy!
The thing is, your differences are always going to be more noticeable when you're under stress. And if wedding planning is the most stressful thing you every experience in your relationship, you'll be very, very lucky.
If you don't think you can sit down and just talk about these things with your FI, I would really recommend getting some counseling that will allow you to (and teach you to) do that. It is true that if you really have different values, as well as different personality traits, it probably won't work out. But if you're working in different ways toward the same goals, and can appreciate and value those differences in each other, that is a good thing. However, only you can figure out which situation you have.
A laid-back, easy-going husband can be pretty awesome!
Just wanted to say that & to second (or third) the premarital counseling idea.
Honestly, if you are so high-strung, you don't want to marry someone like that too, so a laid-back hubby is a good thing! You need him to calm you down! I definitely had similar feelings, at some points going so far as to telling him I didn't want to get married. But he knows me, and just ignored me! I am a lot like you have described yourself...you should think about counseling though. it certainly won't hurt anything!
EVeryone, thanks for your advice. I definitely do think he's good for me bc i am so high strung. But bc I am so high strung, when i see him so laid back, it makes me so frustrated at times..hahaha! Can't have best of both worlds eh? laid back when i want him to and high strung when i need him to...lol~
Dreambml- One time I did say let's break up, and my FI did the same thing...he ignored me! Later on he toldme that he knows me so well, he knew i was speaking at the heat of the moment and needed a few hours to cool down. He seriously has no worries in the world! ha! I also agree that when I'm all over the place, hes the one catching me to stop and breathe and relax...haha!
We are going to do PM couseling. It just didn't start yet. I hope it'll help my cold feet~ =)
A question to ask yourself is, are you prone to getting cold feet when making other major decisions in your life? I am also getting married in November (the 1st) and I have been having serious bouts of cold feet---so I was so happy to see your post. What convinced me that mine are normal (for me) and not a sign of impending doom is the realization that I get like this before EVERY major decision.
For example, the night before I went off to college 500 miles from home I was trying to convince my mom to let me drop out and stay home. I loved college (and I knew from the moment I set foot on campus during a tour that it was the perfect place for me), but when staring it in the face I got panicky.
I feel similarly about my fiance and the wedding. Imagine if your wedding was a year from now and not in 2 months. Does that change how you feel about it? For me, thinking about it being a long time away made me feel excited and more calm, how I felt when I first got engaged. Hopefully viewing your cold feet in light of how you have responded to big events in the past will help you evaluate if it is just the impending-ness that's getting to you or if it's a bigger issue.
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another November bride here.....(9 wks...wow)
i had very similiar attacks about.....2 months or so ago. they were very real. it was like i woke up one morning and was hit by a train.
i'm getting married.
to my fiance.....and...we will be married until one of us dies....
dies.....
yes...i was weepy and ridiculous. and my girlfriend who has been married for 10 yrs told me that it was normal and it was best to get it out the way now, bc 'we dont have time for this later'.....there was a threaten of violence if i remember correctly....and honestly....a few weeks later, i got over it.
i dont know what it was that did it really....maybe it was marriage counseling or probably a combination of that and other factors, but i got over it...and i'm ok.
if u are a worrier by nature, this is probably just what you're focused on now....once u find something else to replace this worry, u may feel fine.
u sound normal. i wouldnt make any rash decisions.
@ MsJadey - I understand you completely! I love that feeling and since I have a history of long term relationships, I never got to feel it much. My FI isn't quite as romantic as I'd like and I second guess some times, but they're only brief moments and if that's the only major flaw he has, I think I can live with it. Especially when I realize that he shows me his love in other, less traditional, ways. When I think longingly for those new relationship flirty/fuzzy feelings, I remind myself that what I have is SO much better.
hmmm... when I saw the subject line, I thought, uh oh. but when you put it the way you do, that it's just non-specific freak outs at the permanence, not that you have niggling doubts about aspects of your relationship or his character, I think perhaps it's not a problem. I would suggest a little heart to heart with your fiance. might lead to a productive conversation.
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I am having cold feet. All my firends tell me that it will pass, and everyone gets it. But, i question that...haha! I start to think are thye just saying that or does everyone go through that or some go through that? LOL~ My friends laugh at me and say it's totally normal...is it?
My cold feet has nothing to do with my lack of love or my lack of care. It's moreso the fear of 'You are in it for Life!" that makes me jump back and think...'O gosh, its for your ENTIRE life..." I love him to death and would want nothing more than to marry him, but get these small/slight attacks...
So, without getting into details, is cold feet normal or should I worry about this at all? If you had cold feet, how did you deal with it? This is really getting in the way of wedding planning~ We only have 2 months to finish up details...no time to waste but im in this lil runt...help~