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I understand your concerns. You will be sacrificing a lot and going through a lot of changes for the sake of this man if you decide to move. I don't think your timeline is unreasonable, but I do think ultimatums are unpleasant and best avoided if at all possible. You say he does want to get married, so it seems you have discussed this before. Have you told him about your specific concerns about moving without a commitment? I think it is best to talk to him about it before you make up your mind about a timeline.
I think only you know what is best, but you need to have a serious discussion with your SO, and make sure he agrees to the timeline. I would have to know for certain this was going to lead somewhere in the future before I agreed to move. I personally don't know that I would move to another country before marriage, but that's just me
I personally dont understand what the point of you saying " I would want to be married at 23" is if you would still want to be engaged to be married to this same person..what is 2 years going to do for you? I would understand if you said that you wouldnt want to be married at that age if you hadnt been in a relationship for years and didnt know you were going to marry that person.
That being said, I wouldnt move. especially not to a different country without some kind of solid commitment.
I have mixed feelings about this, I understand it would be good to have some kind of commitment from him before you move, but also think if you are engaged and have set a wedding date, and then things don't work out, you may find it much harder to leave. (sorry to be negative!)
Moving abroad is incredibly hard and lonely, so it's very hard to know how things will work out, even if you both love each other and want to be together, it could end up failing because of other influences and the stress of moving to another country where you don't know anyone but him or the language. Do you think you could do a LDR for awhile?
I guess I would say, based only on the incredibly bad taste in men I had when I was 23, you're too young to make any kind of long term commitment, just enjoy what you have for now... x
First off, what country are we talking about here? Different countries have different laws and if you're talking about a country where you could have major problems if things don't go the way you expect them to I say don't do it. You need to do some serious research and find out about citizenship laws, being able to work, live etc. With you being in a different country and knowing no one, I personally think you should be married first, regardless of the age. That would be a lot of sacrifice on your part to drop everything here and move there with him. He should be willing to do something for you in return - like marry you! At the very least, you should be engaged with a wedding date not too far in the future.
I've heard stories of people moving to another state for someone and not knowing anyone. Things didn't work out and they were stuck high and dry in that state, with no one. I would imagine being in another country would make something like this much worse. I'm not wishing anything bad to happen to you and your relationship, but look at this realistically, not just with googly eyes of love. : )
ETA: Now that I've thought about it a little longer. I say be married first. It's the safest and you don't want to be abroad trying to plan a wedding.
Hi thanks very much for the replies so far. We have talked about marriage and we both see it definately in the future. I feel if I get married at 23 I wouldn't have a job and with the stress of moving adapting etc. I feel it could be better to settle, save money and get used to living in the country, then enjoy wedding planning insead of trying to cram it all in. I feel like I would like the commitment of engagment as I would be sacrificing a lot to move with my SO. I don't want to pressure him, and I feel two years engagement after moving would b a more realistic comprimise. W would be happy with a small registry wedding or elopment but both our families would be dissapointment so it would definately require some saving before hand, whilst trying to pay for accomodation, pays, moving countries, trying to find a job etc. I hope this makes snse, sorry to ramble a bit.
I guess the question is this: how would you feel if you moved to this country (which one?) and you and your BF eventually split? Would you feel like you'd wasted part of your life going to this country, or would you be glad that you had the experience? In other words, is moving to this country something you'd want to do even if you weren't dating BF?
Normally I would say you should get a solid commitment from him before packing up and moving, but you yourself say that you think you're too young to get married. In this case, I would say that you should just go IF it's something that YOU think will benefit you personally.
The country would be France. It's not too far away to visit home, but to me its a comepletely different culture. I have been researching so I don't think I would move being naive or thinking love will be ll that I need. I don't want to rely on him, I would plan to get a job and start a hobbie or club to meet new french people, plus his friends have partners which could turn to friendships.
I think I would regret it if I don't move. I have an interest in travelling but would probably just travelled or live in an english speaking country if I did not have my SO.
Have you broached the subject in such a way as "I would love to be engaged before moving in with you"?
Yes I think I have mentioned it, breifly, I just don't want to pressure him, and I supose I am just waiting for the right time to bring it up. But I do feel we need to have a sit down and talk about it, but I don't want it to sound like an ultimatum :-s
Hmmm there's that old catch 22. You want something and this something has a 'stale date' but if you speak of those needs and wants and speak of said deadline, you're giving ultimatums.
I hate that.
I think you don't really have a choice but to lay it on the table and see what he says. Maybe don't say "I won't move unless..." just say "I would really love to be engaged before I move with you. I am all for a long engagement, but it would really mean a lot to me as a sign of commitment and that our relationship is progressing with us!"
Thank-you so much, I think it sounds less demnding wording it that way, and he can have a think about it instead of feeling pressured :-)
I'm glad everyone understands the confusion, I didn't do the poll to make a decision on mine and SO's life, I just needed to know that I was thinking too unreasonably and it's been a great help!
I moved in with my boyfriend of three years, but we lived just a few miles apart - I didn't have to essentially give up my family, friends, career, school, local hobbies, etc., just to be with him. You should definitely at least be engaged with a date set before you move, in my opinion - but to sacrifice so much I would even prefer to be married first.
Age is just a number. Is there a particular reason why you feel 23 is too 'young?' Are there more things you want to accomplish...do you want to get a better career...do you feel too immature to handle a marriage, etc.? I can see some of those being related to your age, but not necessarily. You've been with this guy for a long time. If you feel he's right, what's another 2 years going to do for you? Where do you want to be at 25 - financially, emotionally, etc. - that you feel you are not at at 23?
In my opinion, moving in before marriage ends up postponing the marriage plans. People DO get comfortable - even the most earnest folks who want to get married. A lot of the benefits of marriage are included when you move with someone, so suddenly the urgency to marry dissipates. I'm dealing with that now in my own relationship and so very wish I had just shut my mouth, stayed where I was and waited until he proposed to me.
Please don't uproot your life for a 'maybe.'
Is it a country you would feel ok living in if he were not in the picture? Is it an adventure you would like to have for yourself? If it is fulfilling in and of itself to you, i say do it regardless. If it is something you are only doing for him, have a ring, at least.
There is NO way in hell that I would move to another country to follow a man that had not even committed to me. This is such a bad idea that the words "bad idea" doesn't even begin to suffice.
@irishbee: I was in a somewhat similar position with my husband (then BF.) He had just started a new job and was immedietly offered a position in China where they would send him for 2 years.
I sat him down and told him I was not comfortable moving to a different country w/o being married (like you, I did not want this to be an ultimatum) and I wasn't ready to get married at that time, even if he would of asked right then ( I also felt I was too young, and we were only together about 3 years at this time.)
He understood the type of woman that I am, so he knew this wasn't an ultimatum, he knew that I needed to protect myself and not make a move that could jepordize my future. He completely understood why it was not fair to ask me to move with him, nor did he want an LDR. So he went back to see what he could work out with his employeer.
This position from his employeer wasn't a "take this or else" situation, they wanted him to become familar with Chinese business, he told his employeer that he could not go for 2 years, and ultimately they settled on sending him for 3 months.
Now, for your situation, your BF does NOT HAVE to go; he WANTS to go. Therefore you need to have a serious conversation about this, and explain your fears. You shouldn't have to feel forced into marriage because he wants to live elsewhere. You two need to come up with a compromise; and he has to put himself in your shoes too.
I am also a great believer in having the same outlooks and goals as your SO because if you don't it could cause big issues. For example children. My SO and I strongly agree that we will not have kids. I have felt that way since I was about 16. We bith have career ambitions and would rather enjoy our freetime together than having kids. I am pretty sure I won't change my mind and neither will my SO as he is a bt older. I feel 23 might be too young to marry because my life goals may change. That would be the main worry of marrying young. Your emotional mentality changes and usually settles at 25, is what I have been led to believe so I feel I will know who I am better at that age. Does this mak sense to anyone?
I can really relate to your story. I am going through the same thing. A possible move in about 2 years across the US.just like you I wouldnt know anyone other than him and he has his family there and lots of childhood friends. I am still confused on what I want to do.
It was on my mind a lot so I brought it up finally to him! i felt much better getting it out there and knowing that he heard me. I told him that "for me to feel comfortable making the huge commitment to move with him that I would hope that we would be engaged first." he didn't take it as a ultimatum and he told me he understood where I was coming from. I still don't know for certain what our future holds but I am enjoying my time with him and hoping that our future will be bright.
nothin is for certain, if you dont want to know what life is like without him I would keep an open mind!
I'll agree with the others who say you should talk to him. My FI and I realized pretty quickly where are relationship was going. We laid out a timeline of when we would like to get engaged & married and what made sense for both of us. It worked well, because around the time we had hoped to get engaged we were contemplating a cross country move where neither of us would know anyone. He actually followed me so I could go to school. We both thought it would be best to be engaged before so we were both sure of where the relationship was heading and know that we were in it together 100%.
You should talk to him. Make it clear you are excited to move with him and look forward to the new adventure together. Also be clear that you are moving with him because you see yourself marrying him and you hope he is asking you to move with him for the same reason. I wouldn't tell him you need the proposal before moving, but make it clear that you would appreciate being engaged and discuss your timeline with him.
Don't forget to consider the visa issues that you will encounter. What visa would you be getting? If you are not already married or engaged, your options may be limited. Can you qualify for a student visa? Some type of work visa? How hard will it be to get? How long will it take? How much will it cost?
Even getting a visa for a spouse or fiance takes time, lots of paperwork, and money. I'm not familiar with the immigration laws of France, but we're currently in the middle of applying for my husband's visa to move to the US. It's not a simple process.
I'm not trying to be a downer, but these are things you will need to think about. Good luck to you.
Thanks very much about the advice, we have researched everything I would need career wise etc. living there. I am a UK citezen so a visa is not required for me living in France. So I don't have any worries about learning the language, too much paperwork etc. just basically I am worried about moving without the commitment but I understand the only way to know is to ask. I'm glad you's don't feel I am being unreasonalble and greatly appreciate all advice :-)
You could move, but just get your own apartment with random roommates, its a great way to meet people and that way you dont need to stress about the engagement! Bring that up and see what he says! LOL
Brilliant idea! It would actually make me feel a lot better if he didn't want to get engaged :-)
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Hi I am new to this site and just wanted to hear some of your opinions please. I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 5 years. We do not live together and he is going into his final year of his degree and I have two years until I finish my degree. We have plans to move to his home country which would require me to learn a new langage and start a live completely new over there for me whereas he has famly and old friends. I am more than happy to do this as his career choice will make it harder get a job if we stay here and he always seems much happier after visiting his home country. Therefore I suggested the move when I graduate. The only thing is I would prefer to get married before I move in with my SO, but this would mean me getting married at 23 which I personally find too young. I would be happy to be engaged at 23 and be married at 25, which would mean a 2 year engagement whilst living aboad. Do you think it is unreasonable to have such timelines and would you move if your SO did not at least propose before hand? He does say he wants to get married but I believe he would rather wait longer than that.
Thanks in advance!