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At the end of the day, she is still your aunt. No matter how bitter she is or how awkward it will be....just invite her. That doesn’t mean you have to do anything other than thanking her for being there. Since you know where this is all coming from and it is such a horrible reason to not be close to the limited family you have, just make sure your grounds are covered and come out of this the bigger person.
I would talk to your grandma about it. If she's not a positive in your life, or doesn't care to share your life with you otherwise. I wouldn't allow her to share the most important day of your life with you.
I voted no but that's because i'm in a similar situation. My aunt has always been jealous of my mom, myself, and my brother so she has treated my mom like crap. The only reason my family and my grandma were invited to her daughters wedding is for the gifts. She has since not spoken to my mom and says rude things about us to my grandma. Your day is about you and if you don't want negitive people there, that's all up to you.
I would not invite her. This is your day and you don't need to ruin it by letting anyone stand in the way of your happiness. She would probably show up to "show face" so she feels that no one can talk trash about her. So you're supposed to pay for Courtney and your aunt to eat, drink and have fun when all she has done is try to ruin this for you?
I would also respond to the email and say "thank you for letting me know about COurtney. I'm disappointed that she won't be able to share in my happiness. And no, I didn't try to find a replacement- I wouldn't do that to someone who committed to be in the wedding."
Leave it at that. Short and sweet. There would be no way in hell that I would invite her. I am mad for you!!! Just because she is your aunt doesn't mean that she needs to be invited. Yes, she is family, but she doesn't treat you like family, so why should you continue to be stepped on?? Sometimes, being the bigger person has to come to an end.
On another note, I'm not inviting my aunt to our wedding either. She has never really acknowledged us, and when my sister invited her to her wedding, she didn't send a gift, a card, or even a little note on her RSVP that said congratulations. If you don't have the money to send a gift (which she does) then at least acknowledge us with a "hey, sorry I can't be there, but congratulations!" on the RSVP card at the very least. My parents have sent gifts to her children (my cousins), and gifts to my cousin's children. So, no, I do not feel the need to spend $92 on feeding and entertaining her for the night.
I remember reading about your family situation before. I'm sorry to hear things haven't improved, but not surprised.
Push for an explaination directly from your cousin. Stop trying to communicate via your Aunt. At the end of the day, they are making their choices, but it's affecting you so it's hard.
I voted yes just because they are family, you dont' have a big family, and after asking your cousin to be a bridesmaid she should still get an invite even though she backed out. Guess what, they can decline if they don't want to come! but at least you did the honorable thing.
besides, if they do come, I don't think they will ruin your day. If your Aunt wants to be a dark cloud in the corner, so be it. You can thank them for coming and float around on your cloud 9 all day/evening. Don't let her negative energy get to you!
@Kenic315: This is how I feel too. I'm concerned about spending a good chunk of money on their food and alcohol, and not getting a gift or even a card from them. I know it's not about the presents, but if I don't even have a good relationship with a person, then am I required to pay for them to party with me?
@mtnhoney: I'm trying to talk to my cousin, but she's not responding to my e-mails. I feel like she is doing what her mom wants in this situation.
@Bichon Frise: Wow, your aunt sounds exactly like a few of my aunts, not just one. I too was raised by my grandma and have a few aunts that are jealous of me. Personally, if I was you, I would still invite her. Not inviting her might make matters worse (unless you dont care). I would send her the invite and leave the decision up to her on whether she wants to attend or not. If she decides not to, then shame on her. Atleast you were the bigger person.
I would not invite her. The whole thing just seems so bitchy and toxic. You don't want that surrounding you on your wedding day. Sometimes, "You have to invite them and tolerate them because they're family" is not applicable. I have a lot of family members I have cut out of my life and that will not be at my wedding, because they are also jealous of me and have no good wishes for me and my life.
I don't believe that just because someone is family, they get a free pass to treat you like crap.
I would talk to your grandmother and see how she feels. If she gives you the okay to leave them out, then do so.
I agree that you should thank your aunt for letting you know, and then send a separate message to your cousin explaining that you weren't planning on finding a substitute for her because you wanted HER there. Tell her that you will understand if she wants to step down.
I feel bad for your cousin. She's got to deal with that type of individual as her MOTHER. She probably "decided" not to do it due to her mother's influence.
Good luck.
I would invite her for the reason of not adding fuel to the fire. She may use the no invite as a reason to close herself out of your family and life completely. Personally, I wouldn't want that on my shoulders. If she is really that bitter and wants to distance herself and her family she will do so and either not attend, distance herself from you during the event or stay only as long as she 'has' to.
@Bichon Frise: I agree with the PP that said that just because they are family, doesn't mean you have to tolerate them treating you like crap. If this were a "friend" would you even have a question of whether to invite her or not? Being you aunt is only a title, and that doesn't entitle her to be a bia.
Thanks for the responses everyone! I'm still on the fence about inviting her or not. I will talk to my grandmother to see what she has to say on the subject. I don't want to hurt her feelings, as I know how she is trying to keep the family close.
@Bichon Frise: Take the high road for the sheer fact of taking the high road. Invite them...they won't come and if they do, I can guarantee you no one will let them be b****es. You don't owe them anything! Misery loves company and they're trying to take you down with them!
I wouldn't invite her.Her being family shouldn't be a free pass to all events, especially one of important as a weddig, no matter how awful she is. Screw taking the high road, you have nothing to gain from inviting her - you don't want her there and she clearly doesn't want to be there, unless it's for the sole purpose of making snide remarks and trying to bring you down.
Sounds like my crazy, jealous, bitter Aunt. And you know what? I'm not inviting my Aunt or her daughters either.
It's very easy for people who come from decent families with only minor squabbles to say "but they're family, you have to invite them". Ummmm, no you don't. If this woman makes you feel hurt, and if she has always made you feel bad, then why would you ever want to give her the opportunity to do the same again on your special day. People show their intention through action, and the best indication of future behaviour is PAST behaviour. She has always been nasty when good things happen to you, and your wedding day is going to be the BEST thing. Do you really expect her to do an about-face and be kind just because it's your wedding day? Probably not, so I wouldn't give her the chance to do anything else mean to begin with.
You can't choose who is in your family, but I have learned that you can choose who you associate with.
You can't control or predict anyone's reactions to things. The only thing you can do is do what you feel is right.
You had the best of intentions in asking Courtney to be in your wedding. She and her mother handled the situation poorly.
I am sure your wedding is bringing up old feelings for your aunt and that is why she is reacting the way she is. There is nothing you can do that will magically make her treat you a different way, unfortunately.
It sounds like you desire some sort of amicable relationship with your aunt (if only for the sake of having no family and appeasing your grandmother). Because of this, I'd say invite her. But, do so, having no expectations of anything.
On the other hand, if you no longer wish to have a relationship with her, I see no point of inviting her.
I would try and get a phone number for Courtney too, if your grandmother wants you to make an effort to get them there. It's harder to ignore a call, sort of. The line that really gets me is where your aunt says that she's sure you've already replaced her; what? Why would you have done that? That's kind of rude to do without giving Courtney any notice about it.
Is it possible that she's told Courtney that you probably replaced her already and don't really want her in the wedding?
At the end of the day, though, if people are going to make you unhappy on your wedding day, you don't have to invite them just because they're family. If you think it'll cause a rift to not have them, though, it might be worth inviting them anyway.
Update: This is getting crazy! I just got an e-mail from Courtney saying that she had no idea that her mom told me she wasn't interested in being a bridesmaid. She said she does still want to be in the wedding, but has been very busy with work and school, so she hasn't been communicating with me lately. She also said her mom doesn't think it's a good idea for her to be a bridesmaid, but she doesn't care.
So now if I have her in my wedding, her mom is going to be fighting it the whole time. This is way more drama than I wanted to deal with! Any advice on what to do?
Courtney is her own person. You wanted her to be a bridesmaid, and Courtney wants to be a bridesmaid. Your aunt being weird and having her own issues should not have an impact whether or not Courtney is a bridesmaid or not. Since you guys have cleared up that Courtney does want to be a bridesmaid, then just ignore your aunt when she gets crazy. Sounds to me like Courtney probably needs to fight with her on her own anyways otherwise her mother will always be controlling her life.
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This is something I've been struggling with lately. I've written posts about my family before, but now I'm trying to decide if it's better to not have them there. I have an aunt that has never liked me or been nice to me. She was raised by her single mother who was working 2 jobs to break even. They didn't have much money, and she claims she had a rough start to her life. Her mother (my grandmother) raised me, since my parents are not in the picture. By the time she raised me, she had opened her own restaurant and was making a good living. We lived in a nice house and traveled together often. Instead of being happy that I was given a good life, she felt jealous. She told my grandma it wasn't fair that I was given so much, and she should basically give my aunt money to make up for it. She's a bitter woman, if you couldn't tell already.
I went to college, graduated and met a nice, successful man. We are getting married soon. I have very little family. No parents and no siblings, there's just 9 of us. I wanted all of them to be present and involved with my wedding. My aunt has a daughter named Courtney who is 17. I asked her to be my bridesmaid and she said yes. She seemed excited about it. But then as time went on, I could never get in touch with her and she wouldn't respond to my e-mails. She lives 4 hours away, so I can't just drop by her house. I asked her since October to send me her dress measurements, so I could order her a bridesmaid dress, but she never sent them. I asked her mom about it, and all she said was, "She'll have them for you soon."
I sent my aunt an e-mail yesterday asking her how she's been lately, since I haven't heard from the family since December. She didn't say much, but wrote: "I did get with Courtney about the dress and being a bridesmaid and she said if you could - to please find a substitute for her. I'm sure you have already done that though :) If you need specifics I'll let her explain." I was upset by this. There was no apology and no reasoning. It seems like they don't care about my wedding. I e-mailed Courtney to ask her why she changed her mind, but she never responded to me.
I think my aunt doesn't want to be at my wedding due to her jealous feelings about me. She probably told my cousin to no longer be invloved with my wedding as well. They rarely talk to me anymore and it seems like they want to distance themselves from me. I know they are my family, but I feel like they will bring a very negative energy to my wedding. Should I not invite my aunt and her family to my wedding? Do I have to keep being nice to her, or should I stand up for myself?