Post # 1
Hi everyone.. I really need help. I am engaged and am thinking about calling off the wedding to my fiance. We have been together for almost 10 yrs and yet I just became semi strong enough to even realize that he may not be the one. The problem is that everytime I think I have made up my mind, he does something nice and I become confused all over again. It has consumed my thoughts for over seven months. I just can’t breathe and live like this anymore. He is a great guy and if he was nice the way he is now from the beginning, I probabaly would have loved him and been secure. Please tell me if what I am feeling is right, here’s a brief recap of our relationship:
When he gets angry and he calls me names and uses the f-bomb. He also has yanked me up by the shirt becuase in my anger I used information that told me against him in an argument… I know I was wrong but is taht considered abuse?
He mentioned to me very early on in our relationship that he might be bisexual becuase in high school he could not sleep with a girl. When he told me this he was only 21 and said that he NEVER acted on it. He has NEVER and I mean NEVER acted on it… I am sure of it ( i dont know about thinking about it) and he has never thought about it or so it seems.
He treats me with so much kindness and love and protection. Will I ever find someone else? There are so many single girls, I may never get another chance? Long post, I know… thanks in advance for you advice. Any and all is needed and appreciated!
Post # 3
i feel like i can’t breathe.
he yanks me up by my shirt.
he calls me names.
he thinks he may be bisexual (alert: he either is or he isn’t, no such thing as “thinking i might be bisexual)
he treats me with kindness love and compassion? exactly how? he gently yanks you up by yoru shirt? he sweetly calls you names? what?
will i ever find someone else? yes you will. and it won’t be him.
Post # 5
I think you should leave. If he pulls your shirt once and gets away with it, next thing you know he’s going to slap your face.
That and that alone calls for you to leave.
Post # 6
My vote is for you should leave as soon as possible!
Take care hun, you deserve much more! Take some time to yourself to regroup and get the help you need.
Post # 7
If your having doubts like this, then I don’t think he is the one. And it’s never okay for him to yank you up by the shirt. Don’t make excuses for him. You will find someone who won’t ever give you doubts and you’ll know he is the one.
Post # 8
I think your relationship has just run it’s course and fizzled out. It’s pretty normal.
Plus if he’s been yanking you up by your shirt then that’s a bit of a concern. Is that the only time he’s ever been aggressive to you in the past 10 years?
And how often does the name calling happen? Because if it’s just during nasty fights, I can’t say that’s a really evil thing. I think most people have been so pissed at their partner they’ve celled them a f**king dickhead or something similar.
And if he mentioned almost 10 years ago he thought he might be bisexual in school then I just don’t think that’s a concern really. Most people I know went through a little sexuality confusion in school.
Have you guys thought about spending some time apart?
Post # 9
thank you all for your help and support. i am so confused becuase i wondered if he yanked my by the shirt because i was in the wrong. not tryign to make ecuses, just want to make sure that that sort of anger is never okay.
@berryberry- the name calling does only happen in heated arguments and he has calmed down a WHOLE lot.
i just wonder if anger issues canever realy and truly diminish? also, is it possible that all of the hurt over the last few years has just piled up and it hard for me to let go of. if any of you have had issues and had to get over them and remained in the relationship, does it ever go away?
thanks again, everyone.
Post # 10
Pack up while he is gone, LEAVE, change your numbers and email addresses. Don’t even bother with an explination.
Post # 11
@ViaMinorViator: No, OP, you do owe him an explanation. You’ve been with him for ten years, and it really doesn’t sound like abuse from what you described. You should at least tell him THAT you’re leaving. Good luck.
Post # 12
I say leave. I say this because my first marriage was like that in the beginning and i saw signs VERY simular to what you are describing (the anger part) and they only got WORSE, much worse when we were married. No matter what you do, that behavior is NOT acceptable. Someone who truly loves you will NOT lay a hand on you or call you horrible names. I found myself saying the same things you are “Will I ever be able to be loved again, will I find someone else” The answer is HECK YES YOU WILL!!!!
I thought my ex was “too in love” with me so to say. At times he treated me like I was the world, and as if I were some prized princess. How sweet and thoughtful he could be, how much he “loved” me seemed so strong. But its a control thing when they beleive its acceptable to talk to you that way, or to pull you around by your shirt or WHATEVER it may be.
It was the hardest time in my life leaving him and going through my divorce. I was so down I felt I didnt even deserve to be loved again. Now looking back I truly beleive that if I didnt go through that I would not have met my now husband. Someone is out there who will appreciate YOU, and treat you as you deserve to be treated. The hardest part is realizing that. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. I understand how TRULY hard this is!
Post # 13
@roxymalone: SO. WELL. SAID.
@loli: You have invested TEN YEARS of your life in this relationship. That’s the ONLY reason you are even considering staying with him and marrying him. Please, DO NOT invest any more of your time or your life or your soul in this relationship. As scary and upsetting as it may be to end it, you are gaining nothing good by staying.
SO many women stay in WRONG relationships, simply because they think they are closer to marriage than if they ended those wrong relationships and were on their own. This is such wrong thinking.
Post # 14
If you’re not happy, leave now or you’ll just regret it later.
Post # 15
@loli: Even if you do something horrible, no person (man or woman) should ever physically or mentally harm another person. Nothing you do or said would ever make shirt grabbing or name calling okay. Imagine how he would act around your children. They act out and are “bad” all the time, is this how he would react.
As for you feeling like this is the best you will ever have, it isn’t. Firstly, there is nothing wrong with being happily single. I would rather be happy single than unhappy (or confused) with someone. Secondly, once you become okay with being alone, someone wonderful will come along and make you feel like you are the bestest person in the world (warts and all).
I bet you if you took a poll on the Hive and asked if any bee regreted leaving a not so great (or even a decent, but just not right) realtionship, not one person would regret it.
Leave him, you will survive and become a better person for it.
Post # 16
I think the fact that you are searching for validation illustrates where your heart is at. You KNOW what he’s done is wrong. You KNOW you don’t deserve to be abused, you KNOW he should treat you with respect. You are looking for an excuse for his behaviour. Honey there are NONE. Doesn’t matter how mad you made him…he doesn’t have a right to be physical towards you, full stop. You are obviously seeing something, after 10 years that made you write this post. I think it’s time you leave.