(Closed) should I or shouldn't I..? estranged parent

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Not with my father – I imagine that would be a lot more emotionally difficult – but I had something like this with my dad’s father. I don’t even call him my grandpa, when my dad was a teenager his parents divorced and his dad abandoned the kids, basically – my dad tried to reach out to him when he married my mom, and again when my brother and I were born, but never got a response. A couple of years ago we ended up at a funeral his dad was at, and I met him for the first time. Now there’s a bit of awkward contact there. I still didn’t invite him to my wedding (in fact, he didn’t even know I was married until after because none of us ever brought it up.) I just really feel no connection or attachment to him – I didn’t feel like I should invite someone who spent most of my life ignoring me just because they happened to be blood. Of course, if you think you may regret it and if you want to be closer to him in the future, I’d invite him. I could really care less about whether or not my grandfather is in my life, I just tolerate him for my dad’s sake, so I didn’t have any regrets about him not being there.

Post # 4
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t know what you are going through, at all.  But, I wonder, 5 or 10 years down the road, do you think you will regret not inviting him?  You  might, you might now.  But, I think that would be your answer.

Post # 5
Member
3429 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@allisonh:  How sweet of you to “feel”for him.  Speaks a lot about your character:) I don’t know what to tell you, I am estranged from my father for various reasons So I may be biased but maybe you should think out the scenarios if he attends how would you feel etc. What ever you decide don’t let it dampen your special day:) 

Post # 6
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Will he make a scene, make everyone uncomfortable, try to step in and suddenly be the Dad? If you think he wont read into the gesture and try to walk you down the aisle (unless you want him to), then it’s a nice gesture. Do you want him in your family pictures?

Post # 10
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think if you do invite him (not saying you have to, but if you do), talk to him about your exepectations. Let him know he is being invited as a friend, not a parent. Seat him away from family tables and let him know he wont be in the formal wedding photos (although I would make sure to get a least one more spontaneous with him. Future children might want to know what he looks like). 

If you think that you wont regret it in the future, then dont invite him. 

Post # 11
Member
25 posts
Newbee

@allisonh:  I was estranged from my dad for a few years. We started talking again but I never got the chance to see him, because I just didn’t really care. He passed away in June unexpectedly and now I don’t have a choice anymore, he simply won’t be around. I deeply regret not putting in any effort to have him in my life again. That being said, everyone has a different situation and the only advice I have is to decide which you’d regret more: having him there and regretting it that day, or not having him there and regretting it in the future. It’s hard. 

Post # 12
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t have these issues with my family, but I am close with people who do. I think it really depends on you. The advice I give one of them, is to never completely cut that relationship off, and I think not inviting your father to your wedding does that. But I give that advice because I know this person and that they would feel guilty forever if they are the one to completely end any chance of a relationship.

For a different kind of person, who wouldn’t take on that blame themselves, I would decide what you want from inviting him, and if it would even be possible. (Like are you hoping to fix the relationship by inviting him? Or just have him there in case you do in the future?) Then decide if that is worth the risk that comes with inviting him (of him or whoever else making a scene). You don’t owe him anything, and if it’s going to hurt you more to invite him it might not be worth it.

Post # 13
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I have a similar situation, I do not have contact with my biological at all, his family I do. Family accepts that he is a bum and well, that is it. At my wedding  I won’t be inviting him but will the rest. I don’t have any feeling for the guy. No hate, no missing, no love. He made a choice years ago and I lived without him for many years. He signed his rights away and my late Dad- adoptive dad- was the one I look to as my real dad. I never even call the doner “father or dad” just the biological, he deserves nothing in that term. I dont think I will regret it, just that he isnt/wasnt a part of my life. my mother and him seperated when I was 2-3, and then intermittent visiting, as he had other priorities in life-drugs alcohol-. So basically do some soul searching, I understand the feeling bad part about how his life turned out to be, but the choices we make, dictate the lives we lead- heard that in a good movie, and so true., good luck

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