- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I think you should talk to her. When the dress is picked and she doesnt order it (which she might do) ask her if the price concerns her explain you know she is in a tight spot. Only then, if she mentions its going to be an issue, offer to pay for it AS LONG AS SHE DOESNT TELL THE OTHER GIRLS. I wouldnt offer it way up front without knowing first if she will have an issue with it.
You shouldn't offer to pay for her dress unless you can do it without having a chip on your shoulder about it. From your post, it sounds like you wouldn't be able to do that. When the time comes to order dresses and if she doesn't want to/ can't pay for it, then maybe she will gracefully bow out of being a BM, if that is what you want. At that time, if you really want her as a BM, I suppose you will pay for the dress. Do you live near her? Has she been willing to go dress shopping or even look online at any options with you?
I wouldn't offer to pay for the dress if you feel that weird about it. You sound pretty resentful of her actions (understandably) so I don't think begrudgingly buying her dress would really do any good.
@Jacqi - I know it sounds like I'd rather she wasn't a BM, but the truth is I still really want her to be and I would definitely pay for her dress if she asked me to with almost no hesitation. The Chip on my shoulder would be more from her being selfish in the friendship and during my engagement, the whole time thinking back to how much time and effort I put in to her wedding. And no we don't live near each other and she never responds to emails I send out about the wedding or BM dresses (with online links). Haha and I don't send out a ton of emails don't get the wrong idea! It's just that normally, if I knew one of my BM's really didn't have the money I would just offer to pay for the dress, but with her I feel weird doing it since she's been so uninterested in the whole wedding and drifting apart as a friend.
I'm kind of in the same situation. Both of my BMs are pretty broke right now. One has massive amounts of debt and only works a part time serving job and the other texts me asking where she should apply for jobs and if my work is hiring. Finding her a job is not my problem. I work so hard and I'm planning a wedding so I don't have time to think about anyone else's financial problems. I'm super nervous about picking BMs dresses becuase I know that they are going to have a tough time paying for them. I've also considered paying for the dresses myself as well, but have decided against it. Why? Becuase on girl smokes (which in my opinion is an expense that could be eliminated) and buys new electronics and clothes all the time, and the other girl goes to the bars every weekend. If they have disposable income to spend on these things, then I don't see why they can't buy a dress for my wedding. They would probably buy a dress for the wedding anyways if they weren't in it and only invited.
oh, moderndaisy, that totally stinks! I hate it when people don't respond to my emails (although I send multiple daily :) ). That is a tough situation. You should have a heart to heart with her and let her know how you're feeling about her lack of involvement and support.
@MissLoveBird - My BM smokes too! And I know this sounds judgemental, but as an ex-smoker myself I feel like if you are having such a hard time financially that's definitely something that can be cut out. I also know that she and her husband buy espensive electronics quite often and power tools for him in addition to going to bars, etc. on weekends.
On a side note, I originally suggesting picking a color and having everyone go out and get their own dresses, but that was unanimously turned down (by everyone but her since she didn't respond to the email).
Has she ASKED you to pay for her BM dress? If not, she should know when she accepted that it's part of the deal... I have one BM who is a broke PhD student living overseas (and flying here for the wedding!) who didn't ask me to pay for her dress - and she doesn't have 2 nickels to rub together. I didn't offer for her - I just said to get me her measurements so I could buy her dress a blue gown for Christmas.
This is a rough situation! To me, it almost seems like if you offer to pay for it, it'll be like you're essentially paying her to take an interest in your wedding. It's definitely true that no one cares as much about your wedding as you do, so I don't think it's realistic to expect her to suddenly go all gung ho. But I do think you need to sit down with her and really talk about what's happened with your friendship. And that's key - focus more on your friendship than your wedding.
I suggest that you have a heart to heart conversation with her and let her know what you are feeling about her seeming lack of interest in your wedding. based on that conversation, you can decide if you want to foot the bill for her dress.
if you pay for hers, you should probably pay for all your other bridesmaids', just to be fair. however, since you don't feel as close to her any more and she's been selfish, why bother? i think you are being very kind to still keep her as one of your bridesmaids already.
@redherring - You hit the nail on the head! I feel like I'd be paying her to take an interest in the wedding. And I think my expectations are realistic - I am aware that no one cares as much as me and BM's shouldn't be 'expected' to do anything. It's just that she's shown almost no interest and never asks me about the wedding or even about ME. You know?
The reason I'm even asking if I should offer to pay or not is because part of me would feel guilty not offering since I know she's struggling with money right now. But the other part is hesitant to offer given all the factors I've outlined above.
I voted no. I totally sympathize with people strapped for cash, especially if they put themselves through school, because I did the same thing. However, she doesn't sound like the kind of person that would appreciate it, and I get the feeling that while you still value her friendship and want her in the wedding, if would bother you if she wasn't appreciative, especially since you participated in her wedding without complaining about money all the time.
It really bothers me when people outwardly complain about money. Money is a very sensitive topic for people, and while I'm not poor, I'm nowhere near making what I think I should be. But I don't go around telling people that, of course. And you're getting married and saving for a wedding. That's definitely a financial burden, and she should know since she got married, too.
at first I was just going to say no, don't pay for it simply because it seems like she hasn't been a very good friend to you lately. But then I was thinking that maybe she isn't replying too all the wedding stuff and is distancing herself because she can't afford to be in the wedding and is afraid to confront you about it. Yes, she should cut out all of those other things, but, face it, a power tool is going to last much longer than a bridesmaid dress. In all fairness, this is your wedding, not hers, so obviously she may not be willing to make as many sacrifices to afford it as you would be to afford your wedding dress or something else for the wedding. I would definitely talk to her and see where she stands with the wedding and your friendship. Maybe she never really wanted to be a bridesmaid in the first place and only accepted because she felt it was her duty since she was in yours. Maybe her marriage is a little rocky at the moment so the thought of a wedding is hurtful. Maybe her wedding wasn't all she hoped it would be. Who knows! there's a ton of reasons she could be acting like this, and only a conversation with her will help clear some things up. After the talk, you can see where to go from there.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Gemstone | 19 |
| Rojocameo | 16 |
| Rivendeler | 15 |
| kat2014 | 13 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 12 |
| couawilou | 11 |
| bookworm88 | 10 |
| aussiebee | 9 |
| lionskitty | 9 |
| Suikerbossie | 9 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Vegas Pug | 1 |
| pengoala | 1 |
| Sweethart | 1 |
| aussiebee | 1 |
| X0JLYNN03 | 1 |
| lionskitty | 1 |
| Joyful80 | 1 |
| Futuremrscz | 1 |
Beekeeper
**This issue is not about the money, I can afford to buy the dress I just don't know if I should**
I need some advice. One of my bridesmaids has been having financial problems for quite some time now and I'm afraid she may not be able to afford her bridesmaid dress. She chose to leave her steady fulltime job a few years ago to go back to school and has been employed part time sporadically since while putting herself through school. She just graduated and accepted a part time teaching job. Whenever I talk to her (which isn't that often anymore) she complains about money and never asks me about the wedding, etc. and didn't even call to wish me a happy birthday in October.
To back up a second, I was just a bridesmaid in her wedding and spent over $1,000 on the dress, presents and hotel. Now I definitely don't expect her to match what i spent on her dollar for dollar, I just thought that was an important piece of information to point out. I also went out of my way to make sure my bridesmaid dresses are inexpensive.
I guess the real issue is that I want her to put some 'skin in the game' and since she's been a little selfish lately in our friendship and as a result we've been drifting apart, I kind of feel weird offering to pay for her dress. This isn't a girl who has no idea what it means to get married or be a bridesmaid so I cant' sympathize that maybe she doesn't know better. Also, I am aware (through Facebook) that she is going out to bars and attending parties with cover charges, so I know she has 'disposable income' coming from somewhere.
My sister says don't pay for it and FI is leaning towards paying for it. What do you all recommend and why?