Should I pay his debt, am I being used?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@spiderluv:  Personally, I wouldn’t.  Then again, if I had debt I’d NEVER ask my FI to pay for it for me.  I’m way too prideful.

My concerns would be:

1. How did he accumulate the debt?

2. Has he taken steps to ensure that he would not accumulate debt like that again?

3. Can you really be sure that this won’t become you constantly bailing him out finantially?


ETA: If most of his money goes towards his house, he may be living outside his means which would indicate to me that you could be back in this situation shortly. 

Post # 4
1834 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@spiderluv:  he proposed to you without letting you know he had this debt, and now he is asking you to pay it off? I would have a big problem with that.

What do you get in return? Do you get a percentage/half of his house? Or is he expecting the house to stay in his name while you pay off his debt?

Post # 5
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I wouldn’t even consider it until I was married. But I would certainly think about whether I wanted to marry somebody so fiscally irresponsible. 

Post # 6
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@spiderluv:  No I would not give him $35,000 because if he doesn’t learn his lesson in a year he could be another $35,000 in debt.

If I were you once I moved in to his house I would pay for about half of the living expenses and he can use that money to pay down his debt.  I also think you should be involved and help educate him about credit and financial health.

Post # 7
3833 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@spiderluv:   If he has a good paying job he can, in time, pay off his debt himself.  I am appalled that he would ask you to pay off his debt, no matter the sum.

I suspect he would find himself going right back into debt again.  

Personally I wouldn’t consider marrying someone who was so irresponsible with money, OR someone who asked me for money.  That’s just a huge no-no.  

He wants to support you?  Those are pretty empty words, coming from someone deep in debt.  

Post # 8
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

100% agree with what MissMay3003  said. $35k in debt doesn’t appear overnight. What did he purchse with all that money? Since you’ve only been dating a year, are you familiar with his spending habits? Is he more of a spender or a saver? Doesn’t it make more sense for you to be splitting the mortage once you move in, insteading of paying off ALL his debt? It sounds a bit much. I had $160k in student loans and would have never even dared to ask my FI to help pay some of it off. 


Post # 9
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

@MissMay3003:  +1


@spiderluv:  I think it’s rude that he asked you to help pay his debt. I have a little debt outside of student loans that I accumulated after being out of work for a few months that FI offered to help me with. I would have NEVER asked him. Find out exactly what got him in $35,000 worth of debt. What MissMay said is spot on!

Post # 10
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

No. Do not pay his debt.

I don’t know that you’re being used, per se, but his debt is his responsibility. He needs to figure out how to pay it. I suggest he look into Dave Ramsey or even (sigh) Suze Orman, and other credit counseling.

What you SHOULD do is NOT marry him until his debt is paid off, because often once you are married their debt becomes yours. You should also get a pre-nup to ensure if he runs up debts in the future, they do not become yours in the event of divorce (if this is a legal prenup in your state) and, at the very least, to protect your own savings and other investments (retirement account, other investments) as well in the event of a divorce.

Post # 11
1134 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

That’s a lot of consumer debt to have, for anyone at any age and income level. It doesn’t sound like he has great financial management overall.

The debt is his responsibility. He accumulated it under his name and he needs to pay it off with his own money. Perhaps you can advise him on a good payment plan that he can manage based on what he currently makes, since you seem to have a good hold on your personal finances.

Right now it sounds as if he is trying to pawn his debt onto you so he doesn’t have to feel responsible for it, and that would be a red flag to me. He wants you to bail him out, but who’s to say he won’t continue to accumulate such a high amount of debt and ask you for money again? It’s totally his problem, not yours.

Post # 12
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Nope. Nope.
Consumer debt to me sounds like credit card debt. He can pay off his own debts like an adult. If he doesn’t have much money after his mortgage, then it sounds like he bit off more than he could chew and should look into lowering his payments.

Post # 13
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@spiderluv:  Hmm…. I am one of th9ose people that believe’s when you marry someone you marry their debt as well, so of course it would be in both of your best interest’s to not be paying that debt.

However…. It’s a HUGE sum of money to pay off for someone. I don’t mean to discount your relationship by any means, I’m sure it’s strong and youa re ready for marriage if you’re engaged, but it would scare me to do that for someone after only dating one year, and without being married quite yet. I’d probably wait until AFTER the wedding to do this.

The other thing is making sure you are on the same page regarding finances and how to spend money going forward. The worst thing woudl be to pay this off with your hard earned money, and have him rack it back up again.

Post # 14
2172 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@MissMay3003:  +1

I don’t like that he just asked you to pay for it… Not to mention that he was hiding it from you.  My FI has student loan debt.  I knew about it for years.  And he still insists he’ll pay it himself, which I’ll go with… until we’re married, then I’m helping whether he likes it or not.

I don’t like this situation you’re in.

Post # 15
12865 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

First, I wouldn’t even consider it until we were actually married.  Second, I agree with PP.  Where did the debt come from?  Is he accumulating anymore?  What are his spending habits now?  What happens to that if things go sour and your break things off?  Do you get your money back?  Are you willing to just part with 35k wihtout any guarantee?

Leave a comment

Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors