Should I prioritize "me" or "we"?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you pretty much have answered your own question from the fourth paragraph on. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  MrsYokiman.
Post # 3
6440 posts
Bee Keeper

Are there really that few options for you in NYC? It’s the most populous city in America! Why couldn’t he find a job in another metro area? You could work in different cities and just live in between. Is telecommuting an option for either of you? You could also alternate priorities in jobs so that one of you determines where you live and then the other one of you determines it next and so forth. If both of you have broad searches, I bet you could find a good compromise. 

Post # 4
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Why do you feel you have to be the one to sacrifice and have a plan b? Why can’t he consider going to San diego or sf? this stress shouldn’t be all on you. I wouldn’t give up any opportunities until you have a commitment.  Your hard work towards your masters degree is no less important than his and you deserve an equal opportunity to start a great career in a location you choose

Post # 5
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Is all of this worth not having a straight-forward conversation about “timelines” (especially considering agreeing to get married is a mutual decision)? To be frank in a way that I hope isn’t taken the wrong way, I really think pragmatism and making informed decisions as a unit, which you will need to do constantly as a married couple, should win over Hollywood notions of proposals. I’d suggest that yes, he ought to reveal his cards, and then sit down with you for a conversation about whose career has the most viable options where, and what that means for your “we” moving forward. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  RedHairing.
Post # 6
6438 posts
Bee Keeper

Now I’m one who advocates for women to be insanely independent and make their own career choices, etc. 99.99% of the time, but this is one case where I actually urge you to consider going to NYC for a few reasons:

(1) NYC is not Bumfuck, [insert obscure state of choice]. It is one of the best places to start a career in the majority of fields (and this comes from someone who lives, works, and adores the Bay Area). Being in recruiting means that you can virtually find a position at any large company HQ’d in NYC — which gives you so many excellent top-notch options. My firm is HQ’d in NYC and our recruiting dept there is massive and anyone there can pretry easily transfer to one of the satellite offices in SF/LA/Chicago/DC/etc. down the road.

(2) Most young, working people who start their careers in NYC do not stay in NYC more than a few years. You and your SO could start your careers in NYC and then once you get tired of city life/want to start a family and have more space etc., you can transition elsewhere. Like I said above, opportunities will be there. 

Obviously if you feel in your heart that you are sacrificing too much for him and you aren’t comfortable doing so, by no means should you. But I really think that career-wise, it could be a good thing for you AND you could stay with him.

Post # 7
677 posts
Busy bee

Tell him you do want to know what cards he’s holding because you have an important decision to make. imo, unless he’s your life partner, don’t make major sacrifices as if he is. He’s a boyfriend. If you talk and decide that he’ll be you husband in the end, you can act accordingly, but please don’t do it without that information. Think of how much you’ll regret it if you build a life around him and he ends up not being it for you

Post # 8
851 posts
Busy bee

I agree with MrsYokiman. If you go to new York you are going to be angry and resentful and I honestly think your relationship will be over. And if your boyfriend isn’t willing to make the same sacrifices that he’s asking of you, then I think you two are already in serious trouble. My vote is to look for jobs wherever the fuck you want to work. Your professional career and happiness and comfort are more important than a man.

Post # 9
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Agree with everyone. Tell your bf it’s time to tip the cards, because you have life/career decisions to make that are way more important than some outdated gender games.

if he won’t tell you his plans, I say move forward without a we bias. Don’t rule out NYC, but don’t make it your priority.

Post # 10
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

ohnatto:  So much this. Totally a fair question at this point. 

poeticallygreen:  Good luck! I was in a similar position and basically was like, “I’m moving. Are we doing this or what?” He stepped up. It was good. 

Post # 11
1116 posts
Bumble bee

poeticallygreen:  You need to have a discussion with him about this. Why is it where he wants to be or breaking up? Me and my FI had a rule of who ever gets ‘the job’ first is where we end up, it might not work for everyone but at least it was fairer and could have gone either way.

Post # 12
1473 posts
Bumble bee

Personally, it doesn’t sound to me like you’re ready to be engaged at all. I guess I’m in the minority, but engaged to me means “we are getting married” and it doesn’t sound like you two are even close to that yet. It sounds like there are much more important things that need to be taken care of first.

I don’t think a guy needs to put a ring on a girls finger to “lock her down”. If two people love each other enough, a ring is not what will keep them together. 

I think you and your boyfriend need to sit down and talk and come up with a plan for the future. Take the engagement out of the picture, and just talk about where you want to end up. None of this “I will only do this if I’m engaged”, because that’s just adding unnecessary pressure. You need to focus on one thing at a time. 

Post # 13
54 posts
Worker bee

Frankly, what’s more important? A career decision that will affect your entire life, or ruining a surprise by knowing “timelines”? This is something you need to discuss and decide together if you’re planning on a life together, whether that means marriage or not. 

Post # 14
869 posts
Busy bee

Personally, we always put our relationship over both our careers. There will be so many decisions you have to make like this and one persons career usually has to take a backseat. It doesnt matter how you sort this out – whether its due to who makes the most money, who is happiest in their job, or as a PP said who’s job came first. This doesnt mean one of you will end up in a career you hate it just means sometimes you have to take the 2nd best option or the 3rd (NY). If you love this person and they are irreplacable to you (I would hope so seeing as you want to marry them), then surely they come first? Why not agree to move to NY and give it a shot, with him agreeing to be open to a move to the west coast in the future? He of course needs to be in this as much as you. 

Post # 15
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would not base anything on “we” without a ring on my finger, a date picked, and a deposit on the venue.

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