Post # 1
My SO and I have been talking about getting married and buying a house and doing all that “growing up” stuff for over a year now. (We have been together almost 2 years but we both knew from the begining that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together). I am engagement ring obsessed and since my best friend got engaged at Christmas wedding talk has been happening non stop; dresses, wedding bands, location, favors, ect. He had given me a promise ring as my Christmas present, one that I had picked out and left lots of hints that I wanted. But a few weeks ago I offered to purchase him a promise ring. He does not really wear jewelry and wasn’t sure if he would wear it. One day he randomly mentioned that I shoud propose to him and I told him that it went against everything I believed in.
And it did, until I really started thinking about it. I would love the traditional proposal, the sweet surprise and the excitement of getting to share the sparkly ring with everyone. But now I am thinking that maybe I should just suck it up and propose to him. We had ordered matching rings from amazon and they are en route to my doorstep. I was thinking that I would say that they took extra time processing and getting sized and such and try to save them for our 2 year anniversary (May 22). But I was thinking that if I was really going to propose that I would want to wait until our vacation (June 18-15) but I dont think i can put on a ruse that long. and i am worried that if i propose to him that he will either A. think he is off the hook for getting me a ring, B. skip planning something and just buy me the first ring he likes, or C. feel really pressured to have to buy me a ring and plan something.
I have told him repeatedly that I really like just going into jewelry stores and trying on rings and seeing what I like. Even if i try on a ring that is really expensive I don’t expect him to purchase something he cannot afford. Even though it says it doesn’t really bother him when i look at rings online and pick things out that I like he always seems a bit different and tries to change the subject. We are both still currently living at home and trying to save to purchase our first home together and I don’t want to put added stress on him by proposing but I am starting to get just a touch impatient since we have been talking about it for so long.
Sorry that this post was so long. I really had intended it to be short; oh well. I am looking for everyone’s opinions and advice on what to do here!! PLEASE HELP!
Post # 3
No, I think you might regret proposing to him… Talk about engagement rings..go shopping. 2 years isn’t long, you know? Most people wait on average 4 years..
Post # 4
No, I’m a traditional person and feel you should leave that ball in his court. Men are weird amount marriage, I would also want to know that he WANTS to marry me and that he’s not just saying yes because I asked.
Post # 5
I did it. To my ex. He left me just over three months later.
I can’t say one way or the other if you should do it…..or shouldn’t do it. That’s up to you.
If I could do it over again…..I’d propose to a guy, but I’m not a traditional person. But I wouldn’t have proposed to THAT guy, if you understand what I mean.
Post # 6
@MrsPom: Well, this can be turned around the other way. If he asked you do you think he wonders if you WANT to marry him or just said yes as he asked?
I should hope that a couple has talked enough about marriage by time any of them are doing any asking to know whether they are on the same page or not. I do not believe the ball is in any one person’s court in a mature relationship.
OP…I disagree with the generalization above that “men are weird about marriage”. That has not been my experience with men who want to marry the person they are with and who are ready.
It is not for me to determine what is right for your relationship, you, or your partner. I am pretty untraditional and have no problems at all with women proposing if they are comfortable with it and the relationship is ready for that. My husband jokes he has to ask me as he was tired of waiting for me to do it. You can always pick out rings together afterward and talk about what you would like. If your communication is open, it should be easy to decide afterward.
Here is my issue though…you admit yourself you are “engagement ring obsessed”…what flagged for me from that is that there may be a huge focus on rings over what marriage means for you both. The ring is just an accessory, know what I mean? If I am picking up on that, I wonder if he is which is why he gets a bit awkward. Why do YOU want to get married to him? Does he know that?
It sounds like you are thinking of asking as you are frustrated, not a good reason to propose IMHO!
I would actually just ask him how he feels about women who ask men to marry them and see where it goes. You can do it within the context of talking about marriage overall. I do not know how traditional your own partner is, though I know my husband would have had no issue with it.
Post # 7
No. Mainly because you said this: But now I am thinking that maybe I should just suck it up and propose to him.
If you have to “suck it up,” then your answer is no, don’t do it.
Post # 8
No. But I wouldn’t want to marry someone that was so passive. He said you should propose to him??
Post # 9
I agree with what RayKay says. However for you specfically it sounds like you guys need to talk more. Fi and I didn’t have the typical waiting game and all that I’m just not down for it, I don’t like it, and I wouldn’t tolerate it. We decided to get married, picked a date, told our friends and family. He wanted to pick out the ring himself. So we did and three months later we went for a weekend getway and he gave to me(didn’t ask me or get down on a knee).
My point is you guys don’t have to follow tradition or gender norms if it’s not for you when you get engaged. However judging by some of your statements it seems like you guys need to have some more concrete talks before you think about proposing.
Post # 10
No. If he wants to be engaged he needs to ask. So far it sounds like all the wedding talk is one sided and asking him just seems like pushing him into something. Wait until he feels ready to ask you.
Post # 11
You seem to be too obsessed with acquiring and engagement ring an that proposing to him is a way of getting it faster.
If you had mentioned sparkly ring less and life long commitment more I’d say go for it, but the way your OP reads I’d say you would be doing it for the wrong reasons.
Post # 12
I would normally say “Go for it!” but you did say the whole ‘suck it up and propose’ like you really want him to. I only ‘let’ FH propose to me because I knew he really wanted to. Otherwise I would have. I certainly brought up the topic of marriage.
If you want him to propose, I guess you should wait.
Post # 13
I agree with what most people are saying. I wouldn’t propose myself, as I’m kind of traditional about that stuff, but it also sounds like you are too (i.e. dreaming about rings, telling him that proposing was against everything you believed in, etc). As someone else, 2 years isn’t really that long to wait. My Fiance and I were together for 3 years before getting engaged (but like you, we knew from early on that we wanted to get married) and will have been engaged for 5 years at the time of our wedding. If it were me, I would probably just try to keep the line of communication open with him but just wait until everyone was sure that they were ready to be engaged.
Post # 14
I think what you need to do it really evualuate how you rhink he will respond to the proposal. For me personally if I proposed to my Fiance he would have been very upset. He thoroughly enjoyed planning the proposal and then proposing. If you think he will like it and if you think that you won’r regret it I say go for it. But the ” suck it up and propose” line makes me think that you will regret it.
Post # 15
I’ve thought a bit more about this thread……and I now say that you should propose to him.
Post # 16
@SparkleBaby: “Even though it says it doesn’t really bother him when i look at rings online and pick things out that I like he always seems a bit different and tries to change the subject.”
If he changes the subject when you talk about getting engaged you may want to ask yourself why that is. Do you think he is planning to propose? I don’t think you should propose to him, necessarily, but I definitely think you need to talk to him about where his head is right now with regard to you two getting engaged/married.