Post # 1
Okay Bee’s I am new to the site but I needed advice from fellow women. I’ve been friends with a guy for 6 years. Out of those 6 years I’ve been seeing him without an official tittle for 4 years. We tried to stay low key with our “relationship” but over the years my feelings have grown deep. Last year we took a trip together.. and while I was in limbo, he whispered in my ear that he loved me.( not aware that I was still partly awake). He’s never outright expressed this and will deny ever doing such a ” corny” thing. I too have expressd my love for him. Although for some reason he and I carry no public label. Its been nagging at me and I think the reason being is that he doesn’t want to present “us” unless he knows that it will last ( that I won’t get bored and leave, thus emabarassing our union in front of family and friends if things were not to pan out.
The thing is; I know I love him and I know he loves me. One day he even said ” what would you do if I asked you to be my lady for life?” and he continues make future plans with me in mind. But its like he doesn’t want to make a serious move, or make any ‘false’ promises that he may be unable to keep( he wants to make sure he’s financially stable.. etc, which he is. He’s educated, owns his own home, car etc.) ( I guess he wants to wait to earn more money..)
Anyway, my take is this: I believe in two people building a life TOGETHER. Whats the point in waiting for YOU to have it all when TWO can work on obtaining things ( career ambition, homes.. etc) together?. I told him about Leap year and how I will only propose to a man in 2012. If I don’t do it then, I will never ask a man again. ( marriage is one of the things we talk about) ( And he would be flattered to have a woman propose to him). My dilema is: Even if I wanted to propose to a man, what sense would it make without being in an OFFICIAL/publically broadcasted relationship? on what grounds would I have to stand on in order to justify a LEAP from being labeled friends to FIANCE ( when explaining it to our friends and family?) Has anyone ever Skipped the traditional 3 step phases that society tells us should go through before marriage?( dating, relationship, marriage) Does a 6 year friendship turned Love affair count? I am totally frustrated with this and I don’t want to have to take a step back. Insight would help. Thanks!
Post # 3
Whaaat? A step back? To “relationship”? From “friend”?
I didn’t do the traditional 3 steps the way you have it there. We were more… seeing each other, to committed relationship, to moving across the country together, to common law couple, to engaged.
Being blunt, I don’t see what your rush is. You would miss out on those extra “steps” we squished in there. I loved those. Those were totally the best.
I think it’s totally plausible that you could propose to your friend. It would scare me if a friend I loved proposed to me, even if we had known each other for years. That doesn’t sound like the sort of person your SO is.
I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about with the leap year though. Why would you only propose to someone in 2012? Superstition?
Post # 4
@GreenDream: Hello GreenDream, thanks for your reply. Firstly, to clarify,what I meant by taking a step back is, going from 6 years friends/dating without a title to dating with a title and possibly waiting longer. So I guess what I want to know is if anyone here proposed to their friend without being in an official relationship with them, although the love and the history is greater from him than I’ve ever had during any relationship I’ve had.
Secondly,I won’t ask a man after leap year because I wanted to follow the Irish tradition. The next one won’t occur until 2016,and I am simply not willing to wait to do it that long down the road,so its this year or.. he has to ask me;hopfully before then LoL.(We set it up so that it would be I ask him this year or never). Just hard to go from ” friends” in the public eye to Fiance( if he decides to accept).. so I am looking for others who have experienced or know something about Leaping from on title to the next. 🙂
Post # 5
OK. So let me preface this by saying I don’t know either of you, and that I know couples who have moved very quickly through the traditional “labels” and been just fine, so for some people the same relationship stages aren’t the same as for others…
But just looking at the situation, the fact that he doesn’t seem willing to make any tangible commitment is a huge reason why I wouldn’t take that jump. I don’t think this is because I then have to explain it to people… I think it’s because I don’t actually know that he’s fighting for it, like I want to fight for it.
Does that make sense? :
Post # 6
@atalante: Yes, I hear what you are saying. It’s definetly been in my mind. But truly, everyone knows we are friends and that We love one another. Its just lack the traditional title of ” relationship” . I guess I wanted to know what you all think about proposing to a friend?
Post # 7
Gotta say I kinda agree with the other posters – I think it’s very romantic that you want to propose but tbh it ounds like you don’t know at all where you stand and it sounds like too many steps all in one go (as you said yourself you’ll be skipping some steps).
Personally, (and this is just my opinion as an outsider who does not know either of you), I would sit him down and ask for a definition. Tell him your concerns etc and find out where you stand. I just think marriage when he won’t even say you are a couple is a HUUUUUGGE thing.
I could be wrong but when has talking ever been a bad thing 🙂
Post # 8
I guess I’m going to go against the grain here and say I think it counts. It seems to me like you have talked about it and he includes you in his vision for the future. I didn’t make that exact jump, but we were ‘official’ for almost 3 years, then ‘unofficial’ for a little over a year, then ‘official’ for 3 months before becoming ‘super official’ (engaged haha). So some people think we moved quickly because they only count the 3 months before he proposed as our relationship. We count the whole time though, because we’ve always only had eyes for each other. I feel like if other people can see how you feel about each other, then it wouldn’t be that weird to make such a big jump. I think you should talk about marriage with him a little more and then if you think you both want the same thing, take a leap of faith with it. If he accepts, you don’t need to explain your relationship to anyone because the two of you are the only ones in it.
Post # 9
I’ve been in a similar place with an “ex” though we were never officially “together” eventually we moved on (for many many reasons) but I wanted commitment and he didn’t. We were just “close friends” to him. We’re still in touch and it’s only now that he admits we were actually in a relationship and he does refer to me as an ex. Which makes me feel like our relationship had meaning to him too.
Obviously, because we both moved on I never got to the stage you and your man are at but talking to him has to be a first step. Whether he likes it or not you are lovers and he has to accept that. If he’s anything like my ex he wont listen or agree no matter how you put it. It’s up to you to decide if you’re okay with being “friends” even if just in his eyes.
Regarding a proposal: don’t do it. You both need to want the same things, and it doesn’t sound like he does.
Good luck xx
Post # 10
I think you need to step back and really evaluate your relationship:
- Are you committed to each other?
- Are you exclusive?
- Are you friends?
- Do you love and care for each other?
- Is there trust and honesty?
Those are the important things. There are couples that are engaged and don’t have that! I think you shouldn’t think so much about the “proper steps” because every relationship is different and all that’s important is the trust and love for each other. It’ll surprise people to suddenly “skip” like that but maybe the jumping from friendship to fiance is something that bothers you more than anyone else.
You mentioned that you hated being in limbo. Tell him that. Explain to him how you feel. Talk it out and see how he takes it.
It really sounds like you two love each other and if anything, this talk will open up more possibilities with the both of you.
Post # 11
Hey bellanoir13. I hope this doesn’t come accross as unkind but what Merit is there in not giving your relationship ( that is what it is isn’t it?) the title “relationship”? How would the
prospect of things not turning out to plan be any different or more embarresing for your significant other than any of the other men who have had the guts to ask a girl out, call her his girlfriend and tell his friends about her? I dont see how calling each other friends and being in love with each other makes anything easier or less complicated, as evidenced by your confusion right now.
Why aren’t you guys in a relationship?
Why aren’t you called his girlfriend?
What makes you think that he will be comfortable telling the world that you are his wife when he doesnt call you his girlfriend?
If you are 100% sure that he loves you and are 100% convinced that his reasons for not unveiling your current friendship, relationship whatever are valid then why don’t you wait for a proposal from him? I admire you for having the guts to propose to him in the leap year.. But I don’t think your bravery should compensate for his defficeny.
Post # 12
You say your friends know that you two are “friend and are in love.” But do they know that you are actually in a pseudo-exclusive relationship? I’m all for alternative lifestyles, but it raises a BIG RED FLAG when a guy cannot admit that you to have a committed relationship to others.
If he has told his friends and family about you and your plans, then I would do it. It’s ballsy, but it’s awesome. But if he’s essentially told his friends and family that you are a friend and has left it at that… dont do it. Being “partners” and being “friends” are two totally different things.
Post # 13
I’m a little concerned about why he can’t trust you to not leave after 4 years? Surely he’s seen you’re not going anywhere? It seems odd to me that even after this long seemingly committed and close relationship you two have that he still isn’t comfortable calling you his girlfriend. It’s worrying to say the least.
I think you should talk to him about it… let him know that you are ready to take the next step in this relationship and see how he responds.
Post # 14
ugh, I’m sorry but I would have serious reservations about being in a relationship/friendship with someone who refers to me as a “friend” he sounds like he may have some issues if after six years he cannot refer to you as his girlfriend. How did you feel about that? My Fi is extremely private, however after a year he introduced me to his friends and family as his girlfriend and while he is not the type to broadcast any details of his life publicly he respected me enough to give me that title.
The other thing that bothers me about this is your guy doesn’t seemed to have valid reasons to not call you his girlfriend. I can understand him wanting to be sure its going to last, but that seems like what someone would do be before coming engaged not when they are dating. I also think its sad that your families don’t know that you are invovled. Have you thought about the repercussions and the lack of support you may have from both sets of families. They may see this engagement if it happens as rushed and random because they don’t have a clue that you been dating for four years. I think that is bigger red flag then him not wanting to call you his girlfriend.
I do think its possible that you guys are in love and that this relationship can work. If its truly what each of you want and you have spoken about it go for it. However I think before you do that you need to sit down and really think about your needs and wants in this relationship and whether that’s important to your friend. It sounds like things have been going at his paced, being labeled the way he prefers. You need to speak up for yourself and see if he hears you and values you opinion. Once you talk after that you should decide if you want to go ahead with this proposal.
Post # 15
He’s only said he loved you once, and he thought you were asleep at the time. He’s not comfortable publicly admitting to be in a relationship with you. Getting engaged to you would be both a public announcement of his love and a commitment to spend a lifetime with you, and it doesn’t sound like he is there on either point yet. Maybe you should take this Leap Year to “propose” that you enter into a publicly committed and monogomous relationship, but to propose marriage seems like a huge leap from where you are right now, sorry.
Post # 16
@Bellanoir13: Its a little odd. First, if a man is interested in you he will let you know. I don’t think its wise for you to propose to this man if he will not even acknowledge you as a girlfriend. If you are not his girlfriend it would not be far fetched to assume the “friendship” is not exclusive. I think he may be using the excuse of friendship to maintain an open relationship. How can you consider marriage to someone that lacks basic communication and compassion for your feelings? I’m sorry it seems like he is stringing you along. You obviously want something more. You deserve to be treated like a lady and introduced to his family in a respectful way. Sorry, this seems like friends with benefits and it will not change until you stand up to him. 6 years is a lot of time wasted when you could be with someone that really wants what you want.
FYI telling your woman that you love her is not corny or lame its admirable.