Should I reach out?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Janet-Snakehole:  my mom got knocked up, had to marry and then they split. I have tons of half siblings.

My mother would cry for days and my step dad would be speechless when I was little if I tried to bring up wanting to meet bio dad or half siblings.

Don’t do it.

Post # 4
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Welcome to the hive!

Is there any way you could meet this people and speak to them without everyone finding out?

Post # 5
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee

@Janet-Snakehole:  I haven’t had a similar experience but the curiousity would kill me. Since I’ve never been in that situation, I can’t see why it would be so hurtful.

Meeting your biological grandfather will NEVER change the love you have for your real grandfather.

Your mother is saying you’re welcome to do so. I think you’re well within your rights to meet people related to you. To me it’s no different than going through ancestry.com. It’s normal to want to know about your family!

Again, I don’t know about the emotions involved because I’ve never been in this situation.

Try getting Bert Macklin on the case. 

Post # 8
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Janet-Snakehole:  I would hold off until after your wedding to do this.  It could be a really good experience or a really shitty experience and you won’t know until you do it.  He could be totally awesome and want to be involved or he might not want anything to do with you.

My mom got back into contact with her dad and seeing him with his “new” family was extremely hurtful for her.  He wanted a relationship but my mom is constantly hurt by seeing him be a great parent to his younger kids which amplifies the fact that she felt abandoned by him.

Post # 9
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think this is a really bad idea.  I know your mom welcomes it, but I don’t think it’s really your place to meet her biological family when she has no interest. 

Post # 12
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Janet-Snakehole:  maybe she doesn’t have to know though? i mean, if it’s something you really want to do and they’re your relatives, i think everyone is a grown-up and should understand. just because your bio-granddad was a jerk to your grandma doesn’t mean you should shun the rest of your entire family, IMO. I wouldn’t recommend starting a rel w/ HIM, but the rest of them? I don’t see why not.

Post # 13
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Janet-Snakehole:  I also think you should first try to get in contact with them, go out with one of them once or twice, see if there’s even a relationship to develop. If there’s not, there’s no point in hurting grandma’s feelings over something that didn’t pan out. If there is, then maybe it’s time to tell her at that point and hopefully she will understand, if you tell her the right way.

Post # 15
Member
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I understand this a bit.  I am adopted and have been going back and forth about trying to reach out to my birth mother for years.  It is emotionally wrenching every time I think about it.  

My my advice is, don’t start this process right at some bug event.  Do it slow.  But at the end of the day, if they are reaching out to your side, knowing them should not be a problem.  They did not raise you and turn you into who you are today.  Your grandma should know that. 

Dont keep it a secret.  Be honest with everyone about your intentions.  The more you keep it a secret, the more likely your family will see it as a betrayal.

Most importantly, go in with low expectations.  This is the hardest for me.  

Post # 16
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I absolutely think you deserve to know your family! I know I would always regret it if I never tried. If nobody wants to get to know you, than at least you know. You won’t have to wonder.
I personally feel like your grandparents shouldn’t get upset by this. You aren’t taking anything away from them. They will always be your grandparents. You aren’t even getting to know the man who walked out. It’s your cousins that have nothing to do with what he did to your grandmother/mother. Why should family be kept from you?

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