Post # 1
I can’t post this under my normal profile.
So, let me start by saying that I firmly believe that people shouldn’t volunteer their opinion about someone’s choice in FI, unless the relationship is abusive.
A friend of mine is marrying a guy that everyone thinks is a total creeper. They got engaged after two months of dating, and he was her first boyfriend. He’s lazy, inconsiderate, and socially awkward (to the point that he will not look at or say as much as “hi” to anyone but my friend).
I am pretty sure she is marrying this guy because she is extremely unhappy with her life, and thinks that having someone in her life will fix that.
I don’t know anyone who thinks this marriage will last. My FI jokes about going to my friend’s “first wedding.”
Today, out of the blue, she told me that her FI and I were an ok match, but they don’t really fit in all respects; that she didn’t think that he was entirely emotionally ready for marriage; and that he was embarrasing. But that she thought it would get better.
Was this her hoping I would something? Or should I keep my mouth shut? I wonder if she knows this whole engagement is a mess and is too scared to call it off (a month before the wedding). I feel like I am watching a slow-motion train wreck.
Post # 3
I think since she is having doubts, I wouldn’t feel weird about bringing something up, especially if she thinks that he will change just because he is getting married.
Post # 4
I think since she’s “opened the door”, it’s okay for you to tactfully state your opinion. Don’t bad-mouth her fiance, in case they do get married, but do tell her she can still back out and if she’s having second thoughts already that’s not a good sign.
Getting divorced SUCKS. If it’s not going to work, it’s better for her to walk away before the wedding than after.
Post # 5
just tell her to follow her heart. pls dont tell her not to marry him, because she already knows she shouldnt and wants someone else to say it outloud too so she can have someone else to blame in the future. i was in a similar situation with a friend like that and i thought i was being helpful but in the end people still do what they want to. just tell her to do what she feels is best since she knows how she feels better than anyone else
Post # 6
She has voiced doubts so I think that’s a good sign she would be open to talking about her FI and their marriage. Tread gently – especially if this is her first relationship it will be hard for her to imagine that this isn’t normal or right and that there will be someone else out there better. I think people get nervous about the embarrassment of a broken engagement, so you might want to make sure she knows that no one would think badly of her. Much better a broken engagement than a broken marriage! She might need that validation, I have known people who broke off engagements only after a gentle conversation from a loved one. Also, be prepared for her to not appreciate your concern. A friend of mine recently got irrefutable proof that her friend was being cheated on by her BF – she decided she needed to speak up and the friendship now appears to be over (the friend has chosen not to believe her, and is sticking with her BF).
Post # 7
Since she said something, I would bring it up. I definitely wouldn’t if she had not. I agree with you on the don’t say anything unless it’s abusive or there’s cheating.
My friend recently did this to me, except that I’m already married, and she really didn’t have any strong evidence for anything; it was nothing about abuse or cheating. It took me some time to get over it, and I still don’t know how to deal with her. Just be prepared for her to withdraw for a period of time if she takes it hard, whether or not she agrees with what you have to say.
Post # 8
Since she is expessing some doubts, think you should use this as an opportunity to tell her that the issues she has with him right now–will not just go away or get better. Marriage does not change anyone’s personality. As for your opinions about the guy, I would leave them out of it. You can make her defensive, and you don’t want that.