Post # 1
This evening my DH got the news that his grandmother passed away. It wasn’t completely unexpected, she had entered hospice care a week or so ago. However, I am so angry with how he found out. One of his cousins posted it on Facebook before the family phone tree got to him (or his brother). I am disgusted with this and want to write the cousin a message about this but I am not sure that it’s the best idea. I understand that people grieve in different ways and she may have been reaching out for comfort (which is in the letter I have already typed out) I just feel that she could have been respectful enough to make sure everyone knew that it had happened before she posted something like that. So should I say something or just let it go?
Post # 3
I would try my best to let it go and focus attention on DH rather than the cousin. You’re right–people grieve differently, and this was her way of coping–of telling her FB world so perhaps they could help her cope better (just an idea).
Post # 4
I personally would just leave it be. Definitely don’t say something to her now. If you’re dead set on it, give it atleast a few weeks. Bringing it up now probably wouldn’t end well for anyone.
As for her posting it before your FI found out, in her defense, how did she know that everyone wasn’t told yet? Since you mention it’s his cousin, I assume that means it was her grandmother that died too, right? I know a lot of people who post their whole lives on FB. I could guarantee that if certain FB friends lost a loved one, they would post about it almost immediately. Thats why FB is so annoying!
I’m sorry for your loss. =(
Post # 5
I would let it go. People don’t always do the most appropriate things when it comes to death and dying. That is because they don’t know what to do our how to react but they want to tell people they are hurting. Was it a good thing to do? No. But was it done to hurt anyone. Most likely not. I think taking issue at this point would just be salt on a wound to DH’s family. Your husband is lucky to have a wife to care so deeply though, so put your energy into helping him through.
Post # 6
Yea, it’s a hard time for everyone. So giving him a message about it probably won’t help much right now. In the future I would definitetly talk to him… so it doesn’t happen again. But don’t “message” him and do the same thing he did to everyone else. Talk to him face-to-face in private. It will makes things more smooth I’m sure.
Post # 7
Definitely let it go, people don’t think about these sorts of things when awful things happen.
But, I’m going to assume that this person is relatively young (under 25) and therefore you feel that you want to tell them so that they see how inappropriate it was at the time and how if they had wanted to talk to someone, they could have called your FI or family and waited a few days before reaching out on Facebook. Basically you want to educate them on etiquette etc in these situations. I would want to do this too.
So, in a few weeks, once the funeral is over etc, I would bring it up at a family gathering, even just something vague about how you read that people now find out personal information (births, deaths, marriages etc) on Facebook and how inappropriate and sad you find it when it happens within a family.
I’m so sorry about your FI’s grandmother, I hope everyone pulls through well.
Post # 8
Let it go. Its not going to help anything. I mean it sucks your DH got the news this way but saying something won’t change anything and will just make a bad situation worse.
Post # 9
The cousin is grieving too. I can’t even describe how furious I would have been if someone had told me I was grieving incorrectly after my grandpa died, especially if it wasn’t an immediate relative. I would let it go, nothing good can come from mentioning it.
Post # 10
I can see your frustration. but agree that writting someone that you are upset with them after they just lost their grandparent probably isn’t the best thing to do.
Post # 11
Please don’t say anything. I had the terrible misfortune once of coming home from an extended school trip in rural Alabama (no cell phone service) and logging onto facebook to find a series of RIP____ statuses. I plugged my phone in and there were the voicemails. I still to this day cannot believe I found out about the death of such a close friend via facebook, but as it turns out, it was an effective way to quickly inform all of us scattered across the country, and we were able to reach out to each other and find comfort.
I am so sorry for your families loss. There is no good way to get terrible news.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry to hear that, I send my sympathy to you and the family. That is a very tough time for everyone she may have been close to.
If at all possible, I would try to just let it go. Saying something at such a fragile time may cause things to get worse. You may end up hurting her feelings more that you expect to. I’m sure she didn’t mean any harm out of it, and probably didn’t even think that the rest of the family may not know.
I know when i lost my grandparents i just looked for things to make me smile and make me happy. so I would focus on making your DH smile, and make him happy
Post # 13
@jo.lee: I agree, when my grandmother died if anyone especially someone removed from the immediate family had have approached me about how I was grieving I would have been livid.
Leave the cousin alone, she is probably heartbroken.
Post # 14
@CaitMarae – You’re right she may not have known that not everyone knew but she had to have posted it not long after it happened, probably less than a half an hour, cause even some of her own children (DH aunts and uncles and mom) didn’t know yet.
@Tickles -This cousin is not on the younger side, she is my husband’s age.
I ended up not saying anything and spending most of the night trying to comfort my husband. After I calmed down a bit I realized that people grieve in different ways and I understand that she was probably reaching out for comfort, but the look on my husband’s face when he found out was heart-wrenching and it was because of the way that he found out. He is grieving and in pain but on top of the grief and pain he now has to deal with the anger he has over the impersonal way he discovered his grandma’s death, which is what is so upsetting to me.
Post # 15
It is totally NOT your place to say anything. If I were your DH’s cousin and you said anything to me about this I would think you were way, way out of line and I would find it extremely patronizing. Please just let it be, these things happen.
Post # 16
No, you should not say anything.
i agree with everyone else. since she is your dh cousin, its her grandmother too. just because you arent married to her doesn’t mean that you can’t also be empathetic to her pain.
there is never a good way to hear someone has died. this may not have been the way that your husband had preferred, but logically speaking, the pain from the loss should outweigh the pain caused by finding out on facebook.