Post # 1
It’s been almost 5 months and I’m still hurt by my Future Sister-In-Law and BIL(husband’s brother)’s behavior our wedding weekend. Their wedding is coming up in a few months and both my husband and I can’t help but dread the whole thing.
A little background: when my BIL and Future Sister-In-Law got engaged (4 months after us) I asked Future Sister-In-Law to be a bridesmaid in my already large bridal party (she made 7 girls) because I thought it would be a fun bonding experience and bring us closer – after all we we’re going to be sister in laws! She said yes, but responded that she couldn’t have me be a bridesmaid in her wedding because her and BIL we’re only having 2 each. (I found that a little annoying – I’m the type of person that would have extended the invitation in return, but whatever – I wasn’t expecting her to I wanted to include her and I know some people are anal about numbers being even.)
Our wedding was in my hometown where I grew up (not where we live now) so the entire wedding party and his family flew into town on Thursday before our Saturday wedding. Thursday night I had a bridesmaid dinner planned that my Future Sister-In-Law had RSVPd yes to and I had told her how much I was looking forward to her coming so that she could get to know the rest of my bridesmaids. A few hours before the dinner she calls and says that they’ve just gotten to the hotel and she’s exhausted so she’s not going to come. I was appalled. I can’t imagine flying across the country (as she did) to be in someone’s wedding (your future SIL) and then not going to one of the wedding events – even if I was exhausted and jet lagged. In fact, when I was on the east coast for another wedding last summer I was totally exhauseted and jet lagged the whole time but I still went to all of the wedding events. It really hurt my feelings that she didn’t come to my bridesmaid dinner.
Then, Sunday morning after the wedding, my husband and I had a Farewell Brunch at my parents home and my BIL and Future Sister-In-Law skipped the brunch to go to a football game. So that’s 2 wedding events that she skipped that weekend. My husband is mad at his brother for not going and I’m mad at both of them. In my mind they are family and family are the people that are supposed to be there, they are the inner circle and yet they chose a football game over us (it wasn’t even thier team playing – they just wanted to go to a football game).
Oh, and they never got us a wedding gift.
So now whenever I see my Future Sister-In-Law posting anything about her wedding on FB I get irritated and both my husband and I want to skip their farewell brunch (though we won’t actually do that because we would never actually do something like that – like I said, I can’t imagine going to a wedding of an immidiate family member and not going to all of their wedding events even if I was exhausted AND mad at them).
I was talking to my husband’s groomswoman last night (who my Future Sister-In-Law invited to her wedding which I find weird anyway because they aren’t close, she’s my husband and my friend and we didn’t invite any of Future Sister-In-Law or BIL’s friends to our wedding but I don’t think Future Sister-In-Law and BIL have a lot of friends so maybe that is why they invited her) and I was telling her how both my husband and I are dreading Future Sister-In-Law and BIL’s wedding and she thought I should tell Future Sister-In-Law that I was hurt by her not going to our wedding events. I don’t really think I should say anything, that we should just bite our tongues, buy them a wedding present, go to all of their events, take the high road and just know not to expect them to do the right thing in the future because they won’t. My husband and his BIL have never really gotten along very well so they have a whole history of this kind of stuff. I guess I wrongly thought that despite that Future Sister-In-Law and I could have a good relationship but now I really doubt it.
What do you think? What would you do? Say something or be the bigger person and bite my tongue?
Post # 3
To be honest, I think you are overreacting and taking things way too personally. She did not have to reciprocate your Bridesmaid or Best Man invitation and it is unfair to hold that against her. As for the wedding weekend, it sounds like you had 4 days of wedding stuff planned. That’s a LOT IMO. She missed a dinner and a brunch, but it sounds like she made it to the stuff that really matters–the rehearsal and the wedding. Really, you are holding a grudge for five months because she didn’t want to spend all 4 days doing wedding stuff? IMO she had a reasonable explanation–cross-country travel IS exhausting and some people just can’t be nonstop social (I’m one of them).
I also don’t see how it’s any of your business who she invites to her own wedding. It just seems to me that you are nitpicking and looking for things to hold against her.
Post # 4
i think you are overreacting and holding a grudge for no real reason. travelling is exhasting and after spending a hetic few days with all these people they took some time out for themselves – i would have done exactly the same thing
and they flew across the country (did they have to pay for a hotel?) and was in your wedding – im guessing they spent a lot of money to do this and that explains why there wasnt a gift
Post # 5
@Over the Moon: This. I absolutely agree.
Post # 6
Agreed with the previous posters. Sorry OP! Time to get over it.
Post # 7
Yeah, its fine to be disappointed between you and your H. But don’t blast them to others, and certainly don’t bring it up to them. I’d also opt for a pro sports game over brunch, and I LOVE brunch.
A lot of women think that asking someone to be a bridesmaid will change that relationship for the better. It doesn’t. If you are already close with Future Sister-In-Law, cool, go ahead and ask her to be in the Bridal Party. But if you are not, there is no reason for you to be sudden BFFs.
As for your gift comment, that’s just rude on your part. They have a year to send a gift. And if they don’t, they don’t. Maybe they thought participating in the wedding and flying across the country was a gift in itself (which it was).
Post # 8
I agree with PP. The things you seem hung up on could be easily overlooked. You invited her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, thats wonderful of you to want to include her and try to become closer, BUT I think it’s unreasonable to expect the same. She’d already decided on a small bridal party, and told you right away her plan so you wouldnt expect it and jump to any conclusions on why she would not ask you in return.
Some people get tired and need to rest after travel. Yes, she travelled all that way to go to the wedding, but if she’s tired and really cant take it, you cant seriously fault her for thta. I’m a go go go go type of person and would be like you and just drag myself out, but I understand that not everyone would do the same.
And I do suppose it would have been nice to attend brunch, but maybe they planned on the game before you informed them of brunch? Maybe they wanted to make a little vacation of the trip for themselves also? Maybe they just didnt want to and wanted some alone time after the wedding… Whatever the reason, I dont think it’s anything to hold a grudge about.
Post # 9
@eloping: No. My husband’s mother paid for their hotel and airfare. The only thing she had to buy was her dress.
Post # 10
I will be honest – this is how I am interpretting what you wrote: She was upfront with you about her wanting a small bridal party. She wasn’t feeling well enough for the bridesmaid dinner after a long trip, so she stayed in the hotel. The day after your wedding she and your BIL wanted to do something different while out of town, so they skipped a non-obligatory brunch. They both flew cross country, spent 3 nights in a hotel, and spent money to be in your wedding party. This is on top of saving up for their own wedding, so they probably couldn’t afford a gift at the time (which By The Way, they have a year to give). And 5 months later you are still complaining about this. We tell girls all the time – You get a day. Your BIL and Future Sister-In-Law gave you your day, and instead of appreciating what they did, you are harping about the things that they didn’t do according to your expectations. I suggest you bite your tongue, because she didn’t do anything worth getting so upset about. If you guys don’t feel up to the day after brunch, then don’t go, but skipping to be “tit-for-tat” is, IMO, immature.
Post # 11
@lessthan3: I think you need to say something, but in a mature way–not like starting a family brawl
you felt very hurt by their actions, and they may have been completely oblivious–but if you bite your tongue and hold on to resentment it’s just going to further sour the relationship
Tell her how their actions made you feel–she may have not known that her presence to these functions was important to you, in fact she may have felt out of place because you’re not very close–sometimes people are just a little….socially retarded….but not intentionally malicious
Post # 12
@lessthan3: they still spent money and gave up leave to attend your wedding – i still think you are overreacting. what a waste of energy 5mths later, its sad you dont understand that when travelling, some people need rest or couples simply like alone time sometimes
Post # 13
I’m not going to say you shouldn’t be upset because I don’t know all the specifics and I’ve never been in this type of situation before, but I don’t think you should say anything. You’ve already said that your husband has had a hard time getting along with your BIL (if I read correctly) and if that’s the case, you both need to just acknowledge that you may never double date with them and be buddy, buddy and move on. Just because she’s your SIL doesn’t mean you’ll automatically have a good relationship and just because you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man doesn’t mean you’ll automatically have a bond – in fact, based on another post I read about bridesmaids, she might’ve even resented you for it or been annoyed that she now had “responsibilties” (I’m not saying this is the case, but I read a whole thread on here earlier about how stressful and frustrating being a Bridesmaid or Best Man can be sometimes – from their point of view). Every family and person is different, and while you couldn’t imagine not being there for someone on their wedding weekend, people have different etiquette beliefs and sometimes you just have to say, oh well, I have more important things to think about now. If this was immediate family it might be a different case, and while BIL is immediate family to your husband (by blood) your role now is to support him as his wife if he feels hurt by his brother, but you need to kind of put your own beef to the side so you can clearly support your husband and so you don’t inadvertantly say anything to him about his brother that could potentially damage anything further. Be civil, kill with kindness and let it go – you have a wonderful life with your new husband ahead of you, so don’t let “drama” like this weigh you down.
Post # 14
I think you should be honest and tell her you were hurt. And I think it’s rude that they didnt buy you a wedding gift or go to the brunch.
Post # 15
@bride2befl21340: Thank you. Your post was kind and helpful.
Post # 16
Classic case of OP coming here just to find people to back her up. You are being petty. & overreacting. 4 days of wedding stuff sounds great to you, but no one else.
As soon as you start expecting people to act a certain way, you are leading yourself down a path of resentment. Be happy fir the things they attended.
As for the gift, I traveled from PA to CA for a friend’s wedding last summer & didn’t have money for a gift. I’m waiting until their first anniversary to surprise them with something. You never know.