Post # 1
So I need to know if I need to say something to one of my BMs…I am struggling with this… I booked my wedding venue last August…. I had a BM luncheon in which I asked my BMs if they would be my BMs. During the lunch they asked if we had chosen a venue and I told them where the wedding would be.
After that luncheon one of BMs found out that her cousin got engaged and she told him about the venue me and my FI had booked… her cousin got married there this last March.
Now every time I see her and anyone mentions our wedding she says "Well when my cousin got married there…." (insert various comments and suggestions)…. Now I know that the venue is not MY venue exclusively but I am getting annoyed wit her comments and suggestions about my wedding based on her cousin’s wedding.
At first I let the comments roll off but now it is getting annoying and my FI is not happy at all about the situation. I am struggling with discussing this with her personally, or should I have someone else talk to her, or should I just let it go?
I am confused….
Post # 3
I would just let it go. What’s the issue? I can kinda see it, if it was your BM that got married there, but not her cousin.
Post # 4
Maybe she thinks she’s being helpful? As in, when you’re discussing centerpieces etc and she’s telling you what they did maybe she feels like she’s just giving a suggestion? Saying "My cousin had tall vases with calla lilies when she got married there." is the same as "What about tall vases with calla lilies?"
Not to be mean, but I think you may be a little oversensitive and taking your BMs comments the wrong way.
Post # 5
It’s sounds more like she’s trying to be helpful and give you suggestions, rather than bring you down. You never know, her cousin could turn out to be a helpful resource! I wouldn’t let it rub you the wrong way.
Post # 6
Try not to take her comments too seriously. She really is probably just trying to help. I’m having the same problem w/ my FMIL saying those things about my FSIL’s wedding. "When ____ got married, we did ____." At first, I was getting totally annoyed but now FI and I just say "Oh, that’s nice. But this is our wedding so it probably won’t be exactly like ___’s wedding." Then when we’re by ourselves we just laugh about it.
Post # 7
That is a perfect suggestion kosstobe – just be subtle about it. Letting her know that you appreciate her trying to help, but you don’t think you’d like your wedding to be like your cousin’s.
Post # 8
I agree she’s probably just trying to be helpful and doesn’t realize that you are maybe a bit sensitive about the fact that her cousin used "your" venue – and I would totally look at it as "mine" too since you were booked first. I’m territorial 🙂
Post # 9
I say just let it go before starting potential drama with her.
But if you feel the need to say something I’d do it in convo, not confront her necessarily, maybe next time she says that make a comment like "yea that sounds pretty but I’m wanting mine to be not so cliche"….ok that is a little catty, but maybe she will get the hint that you have your own ideas. 🙂
we all have friends/bms that are oblivious to proper wedding related comments, sometimes you just have to laugh it off.
Post # 10
I think you are taking her comments the wrong way. It sounds like she is trying to be helpful, I could imagine she might think she is EXTRA helpful since she’s already been to a wedding there. If you really need to say something, the next time she starts a tangent about her cousins centerpieces looking perfect with the shape of the room just say "Well, I am having a MUCH DIFFERENT wedding than your cousin, even though it’s the same venue!"
Post # 11
Don’t say ANYTHING. It’s not a big deal and if you say something it will become a big deal. Plus, she may vent to your other BMs, which could start unwanted drama amoungst friends.
She sounds like she’s just trying to be helpful since she’s seen the venue ‘in action’
Post # 12
I think she is more or less just trying to help, since she has seen a wedding first hand at your venue already.
I dont really see what the big deal is, and if you say something I think its way our of context and may offend her and causing more of a riff for your big day!
Post # 13
<span style=”font-family: ‘Verdana’,’sans-serif’; font-size: 7.5pt”>I love the weddingbee community!! Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my post. I have to admit that I am a little overly sensitive as I lost one of my BMs to melanoma about 4 months ago and it has been hard planning this wedding knowing that she will not be there.
<span style=”font-family: ‘Verdana’,’sans-serif’; font-size: 7.5pt”>With this particular BM in question, she has really shown no interest in the wedding and does not seem to be that invested as she is constantly asking the date and time of the wedding, has not taken the time to pick up her dress that has been in for over a month, and when she does want to talk about my wedding, she only talks about her cousin’s wedding. So needless to say, my patience has run thin.
<span style=”font-family: ‘Verdana’,’sans-serif’; font-size: 7.5pt”>Everyone gave great suggestions and I think I will use either "Oh, that’s nice. But this is our wedding so it probably won’t be exactly like ___’s wedding." or "Well, I am having a MUCH DIFFERENT wedding than your cousin, even though it’s the same venue!", if she mentions it to me again.
<span style=”font-family: ‘Verdana’,’sans-serif’; font-size: 7.5pt”>Thanks again!!!
Post # 14
I am so sorry about the loss of your BM to melanoma. Big hugs! It sounds like you are dealing with a lot, and many of us know exactly how stressful wedding planning is–even without the undue sadness you are experiencing. I think it’s big of you to recoginize these feelings and take the high road, even when one BM is being particularly frustrating. Was she friends with the other BM? Is she feeling sad about the loss, too, and being reminded of it with your wedding and losing interest b/c of that? Something to consider… There are millions of reasons why people do the things they do, and I’m not trying to make excuses for her–it’s a hard issue all around. Have you talked to her about the things she should be doing, but is not?
Post # 15
Thank you for your kind words as they are very appreciated. None of my BMs were close with the BM that passed away…all of them had only met her a handul of times.
To be honest, I have not asked my BMs for a lot of help because I know that people are busy and have their own jobs and personal lives to deal with. I have had a couple of the BMs ask me if I have needed help (this particular BM is not one of them), if they ask me I will let them know what kind of help I need, if any… however, I have not sent out any "help me" emails or requests. So I am in no way upset about the lack of help I have gotten because I have not asked for it…
I guess I feel that her comments about her cousin’s wedding have come off more as know it all versus helpful. I love being able to talk to other brides… it is really helpful and theraputic.