Post # 1
Yes, it sounds horrible, but I have several family members who would make me cringe if they showed up to my wedding. One is an aunt on my mom’s side, who doesn’t get along with my mom (she hasn’t liked my mom since they were kids, I have no idea why). She is generally flakey and used to cop out of all family gatherings. I say “used to” because she just doesn’t talk to anyone anymore. When she found out I got engaged she sounded horrified by the prospect, and in truth I would really like to send her an un-vitation. In reality, I will still send her the invite, but probably only a month out from the wedding in the hopes that she can’t/ won’t make travel arrangements (the wedding is near my fiance’s hometown because he’s got a larger family). Other cringe-worthy family members include one of her sons (and his creepy wife), my uncle on my Dad’s side and ALL of his kids (because they’re sucking my 89 year old grandma dry).
The problem is I am getting ready to send out my STDs and am worried that the family members I acutally WANT to send STDs to might talk to the family members I want to skip out on. Namely, my aunt’s other son, who is my favorite cousin. There is no way I can expect he won’t talk to his mother and brother about it. And, sadly, my uncle on my dad’s side already knows about the wedding…
So what would you do? Should I just suck it up and send the STDs to everyone anyway and just hope they don’t come ? I really hate to offend anyone, even if I don’t like them and don’t want them at my wedding. I can just ignore them right?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2010 - Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House
I did not invite all of my extended family. There were a few issues, similar to yours. In the end, since my parents are paying for the majority of the wedding, I talked to my parents about who we should invite. We came up with a rule that if I didn’t have a personal relationship with them, we wouldn’t invite them. My Dad said that he would run interference and explain to anyone why they weren’t invited if they made a fuss. I personally don’t think family should be invited just because they’re family. I was delighted to invite several close family friends who are as close as family and treat me well. Since I didn’t have a relationship with the people we didn’t invite, not inviting them didn’t hurt the relationship at all.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2010 - Kindred Oaks, Georgetown
It’s a really touchy subjust but what I plan on doing is sending the STDs to the people I actually intend on inviting and when it comes time to send out the invites if I decide I want to invite those other people I’ll send them and invite. The way I see it is if they get a STD, it’s kinda like they’re guaranteed an invite. Maybe try my technique? Sorry I don’t have better advice. Good luck!
Post # 5
We are only sending STD’s to the people we REALLY want there. If you don’t send and STD to her, but she gets an invitation, I think that is perfectly fine. You’re still being cordial and giving her the opportunity to come.
Post # 6
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
@lamb: I am so envious of your parents’ support of that limit… I’m having a lot of guest list drama of my own this week. 😉
I would just skip the STD for all of them and send your favorite cousin an email, or send it to all of them anyway. My initial thought was just not to send an STD to someone who you don’t actually want to have save the date, but if you want to send one to her son, that might start to look bad.
Post # 7
I think it’s good to send the STDs only to people that you want to come to the wedding but I think it might put some people in awkward situations if they are invited but their parents aren’t or other things like that.
Post # 8
Hmmm, can you pull a “I’m only inviting people in the midwest, (region) to keep the wedding intimate..” sort of thing? Or that you do n’t want anyone to have to tracel to far…..?
Post # 9
with my dad’s blessing, I did not invite one of his siblings and her husband to our wedding. Similar to your situation, they have been pretty awful… and for a long time refused to talk to any of us. They also didn’t invite any of us to their son’s wedding (or even tell us about it). So no, you don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to. But if you choose not to, you may want to make sure it’s not going to be a big issue to anyone else if you don’t. Just for the sake of preventing drama.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t send them the STDs. They’ll likely know about the wedding already, so you can’t do anything about that. And yes, another family member might bring up the fact that STDs were sent. But if they have done hurtful things to you in the past, I wouldn’t worry about what they think of not being asked to save the date.
Post # 11
I would skip sending STD’s to ALL your family members to avoid this situation. Otherwise the ones who dont’ get it will be all like “Why didn’t WE get one?” or whatever. For the ones that you want to invite, just call them up or send them an email with your wedding info. Then you can decide closer to the time if you want to invite the nasty ones or not.
Post # 12
@lamb: I think my dad would totally back me up on not inviting my uncle and his children (he’s already asked I take one of my cousins off the guests list actually), but there used to be a relationship with my aunt and her kids. She seemed to only do the family things while my grandmother was alive; once my grandmother passed away everything got (more) awkward and that’s when she stopped talking to my family. My other aunt on my mom’s side still thinks we should invite her, more out of respecting the memory of my grandmother than anything else. (And she’s the one making my dress, so I definitely take her advice/ feelings into consideration)
I wish I could have the “don’t want people to travel far” excuse, but the fiance and I, along with a couple members of are wedding party, will be traveling the farthest, so I’m afraid that would seem a little bit like a lie.
@hellohellohello: I do like the idea of skipping the STDs to all the family, since the majority of them already know when the wedding will be anyway. Not to mention saving on postage…
Post # 13
If you absolutely don’t want to invite someone, don’t send them a save the date. If you send a save the date, you have no choice but to send an invite. It doesn’t make sense, even to please other people, to invite people you don’t want there. If you’re stressed or angry at the wedding, it will show and people won’t want to be around you.
Post # 14
I wouldnt send them a save the date. We had one person who we actually sent a save the date AND invitation to her children (one of whom lived at home with her still) and she didnt get anything. It was a person decision made by my DH (his parents supported whatever he wanted). You could always talk to your favorite cousin and ask them not to mention the STD.
Post # 15
Typically I’d say no, don’t send a save the date. But this is family and if there is a chance that other family members need to discuss the wedding, then yes include them.
I say, be a bigger person and put the ball in their court.