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can you give it to your mutual friend who still seems to have contact with him? that way, you wont have to worry about having direct contact with him or his wife.
I would send it back. If it belonged to his dad it's probably is important to him. Just write a really light hearted note like "I totally forgot I had this until I found it while packing up to move in with my fiance! I got your address from ___ because I thought you would like to have it back. Hope all is well with you and your family!" The wife should absolutely not feel threatened if you mention that you are getting married yourself and that you wish the whole family well.
wow no idea what's going on with my double posts etc - sorry everyone for having to re-read all my stuff!!
I agree with soon2be - give it to your mutual friend and move on happily with your own life!
Totally agree with giving it to the mutual friend. If that's not a possiblity I would send it with no note and no return address. I think it is right to send it back - I know there are things that people that I'd rather not speak to (for whatever reason) that have stuff of mine that I'd love to have back!!
I only say no return address if you are worried about him contacting you or his wife asking questions - this way, he can honestly say that he's not sure who sent it!
I would advise against sending it with no note and no return adress. Nothing happened so there is no reason to be sneaky. If I were his wife I would be MUCH more suspicious of such a package than him just receiving something from an old friend.
Thanks for the advice.
I don't want to give it to any of our mutual friends because I don't want to get them involved in an uncomfortable situation.
And I'm afraid that sending it anonymously would be creepy. Much like calling someone just to listen to them answer the phone, but not saying anything. He'd know it was me sending the record, so I don't want to be shady about it.
I guess the two options I'm wrestling with are:
1. Send it back with a polite-yet-aloof note
2. Don't send it back
do not send back the record, this is really just an excuse for you to talk to him again and there is no need to open up that can of worms. if he really wanted it back, he would've contacted you for it but he hasn't so let it go.
I'd give it back through the mutual friend as well. There's really no point in getting his address and risking the record being lost/broke by going through mail when you know someone who sees him.
It's better not knowing details about where he lives and stuff. You both had feelings for each other and he made his choice, and you moved on... no contact or personal information about each other is better in those situations.
Whoops - redid my message in a more helpful way below - not sure how this got posted :/
ok....does his dad still live near you? if so, do you know where he lives, and if so can you mail it direct to his dad? (since it is his dad's??)
I'd either forget about it and not send anything, or send it with a really benign note, even a POST-IT with a quick message "I found this while moving and thought you'd appreciate it back! Take care - Name"
Ok, well I misunderstood your desire to be anonymous about it (b/c you are going anonymous on a website about it). So, I'd say just keep it. You never tried to give it back before, (I'm assuming - could be wrong), so it sounds kinda like you want to reach out and communicate with him. Which is fine, but either do it up front as an old friend, or leave it alone.
If you don't want to give it back through a mutual friend, then don't give it back. You're not asking anyone to get in the middle, you're just saying, hey, you know where he is and you see him, I don't. Do you mind passing this along, it belonged to his dad and I found it recently and I'm sure he'd like to have it back.
Otherwise, I'd just keep it somewhere safe and maybe some day down the line your paths will cross again.
@Jennibride - He'll know it was me because he lent it to me.
The reason I'm being anonymous is because I'm ashamed of getting involved like I did with an engaged man. Sure, we never did anything physical, but I still never should've let what happened happen.
I wouldn't worry about it. As nice as it would be to give it back to him it might seem like you're trying to get in touch with him/looking for an excuse to have him call you (which isn't the case).
If you DO decide to send it back - just include a very brief note, nothing leading like - Hope you're well, etc.
"Found this while I was packing to move, I know it was your Dad's so I thought you'd like it back. Best, ____"
@egb - we have plenty of mutual friends but Steve moved away and none of our friends live near him.
@msduck - I'm not trying to contact him again, that's why I'm so unsure about what to do. I don't want to open up a can of worms but I feel bad that I've had this record for so long. Honestly, the easiest thing to do would be to do nothing at all. I'm just not sure that it's the right thing to do.
I would just give it to the mutual friend and have them give it back. They can say something along the lines of "Nunya found this while she was packing to move and wanted me to pass it along to you". That way, you don't have to worry about communicating with the guy yourself but it's not anonymous either. Regardless of how he gets it back, even if his wife asks, I am sure he would only say something along the lines of....I let my co-worker borrow this a long time ago and they finally got around to sending it back to me.
I wouldn't send it back at all. If it was REALLY important to him. I'm sure he'd find a way to ask for it. He always had the chance to ask your mutual friend to get from you, but didn't.
What's the point in reminding him of this? Especially since he has a wife and a baby? If I were his wife. I'd be pretty upset if my husband recieved something from a random woman.. I would think she was trying to remind him of herself.
I would give it to the mutual friend and have that person give it to Steve. It would be better that way, because then she wouldn't wonder why a possibly random woman is sending her husband something, and it would also make it easier on you and to where you won't have to deal with writing a note at all. It sounds like you don't need any peace of mind, you are just wanting to give that back to him because it is his.
Good luck!
Because it was his dad’s and may be important to him in the future, I would return it. I would just mail it with a sticky on it saying something benign like “found this while packing, know it belonged to your father, and wanted to return it to you.”
I wouldn't include any contact info in the note, and if USPS doesn't insist, I wouldn't even include a return address on the package if you are concerned he will contact you.
I personally wouldn’t be upset if my husband received something that belonged to his father from someone who was a former friend (especially since you are not a former girlfriend), but that's just me. I would worry that if his dad died, he might remember that record and wish he had it - which I would feel guiltier about if he didn't have a ton of items that belonged to his dad.
Send it back with a short note saying you came across it, you know it was his dad's, and you thought he'd like it back.
I think you are projecting that the wife will be mad simply because you feel like you were too close with him when he was engaged. I'm with gabrielle that I wouldn't be mad or jealous at all. It's just a friend trying to return something that belonged to him. If you are concerned that he will contact you, then fine, you can leave off the return address (although this risks the record getting lost if you get an incorrect address for him) but you should sign your name to the note.
Give it to the mutual friend. If a friend of mine asked me to give another ol friend something I wouldnt fell like I was in the middle of it. I mean the friend already apparently knwos the situation between you two. And I agree that you shouldnt have contact with your old friend as that could cause old feeling to be brought up and he has a family and you have a fiance and if your relationship was inappropraite (to the extent of it being an emotional affair) then I dont think you guys need to be in contact.
I think it is perfectly acceptable to send it back with a short, polite note, if you don't want to get your mutual friend involved. You were co-workers and friends, and even if your feelings got out of hand, your behaviour didn't. He did the right thing when he realized he was being unfair to his fiancee. You want to do the right thing now by returning something that may be especially meaningful to him. Neither of you need to feel guilty about anything at this point.
Just remember, nothing really happened, so things may not be weird after all. Just send it back with a short this belong to you note. Try to do this before you move in with FI so you can use your old return adress.
Personally, I wouldn't sent it. He made it pretty clear he wants nothing to do with you when he totally cut you off.
I think you have to ask yourself, what's my motivation here? I doubt this record is THAT important to him, otherwise he would have made some move over the years to ask for it back. I'm guessing there's some part of you (1% even) that wants to talk to him again or hear from him. I would say just let it go.
If you ever cross paths again in the future, maybe you could mention the record then.
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I'm posting under a pseudonym as I'm admitting some stuff that I'm not quite proud of here.
After I graduated college, I got an office job. Another recent college graduate started on the same day as me. Let's call him Steve.
Steve had recently gotten engaged to his college girlfriend, who had another year of school to finish up. He proposed after he graduated. She stayed back in their college town for her senior year, and he'd moved back to his hometown, so they were in a long distance relationship.
He and I became fast friends. We had so much in common. We liked the same books, movies and music, and we both collected vinyl records and played bass. We'd trade books and make mix CD's for each other. We ate lunch together every day and hung out all the time after work. But our lunches and happy hours were never just the two of us. We always had other friends with us. We were never alone together.
I started to realize that I had feelings for Steve - MAJOR ones. I was pretty much crazy in love with him. Since his fiance was away, it was easy for me to pretend that she didn't exist. I'd pretty much fantasize all the time about him dumping his FI for me. I also had the feeling that he felt the same way about me.
We never did anything physical. We were never alone. But we sent IMs all day at work ,and emailed constantly. We even tested and talked on the phone over the weekends. The subject matter was never romantic or sexual. But I think our friendship was basically an emotional affair.
After about a year, his FI graduated and moved to our city to be with him, and they started planning their wedding. I was absolutely DEVASTATED. After she moved here, Steve basically cut me off. He pretty much stopped speaking to me, stopped eating lunch with our group of friends, and acted like I didn't exist. With no explanation.
It hurt. A lot. Although he never explained it, I pretty much knew why he was doing it, because he wanted to be fair to his FI, and I couldn't blame him. But I was heartbroken, and even worse, I missed him as a friend. It was a rough time for me.
Before he got married, he got another job, and I basically never heard from him again. I heard from a mutual friend that he and his FI got married and now they have a baby girl. And apparently, he got a transfer for his job and is now no longer living in town - he's a few hours away. This mutual friend also confirmed something, something that Steve had confided in him: that he'd truly had deep feelings for me, too, and he distanced himself because it wasn't fair to his FI.
In the meantime, I got over him as best I could. I met my current FI, fell in love, got engaged. We're getting married in a few months and haven't had any lingering romantic feelings for Steve in years. But I still miss him as a friend sometimes.
So, now that you know the backstory, here's my question:
Back when we were close, Steve lent me a vinyl record that was his father's. I had never gotten around to giving it back to him when he stopped speaking to me. And after a few years, I'd totally forgotten that I had it.
But I'm moving into my FI's house next month and last night, when I was packing, I came across the record. And I'm wondering if I should send it back to him.
It's not a super-rare record. I'm sure he could find a replacement on eBay. But it belonged to his dad, so I guess it was kind of special to him. I'm sure I could get Steve's new address from one of our mutual friends.
But, I'm not sure how to do this. Do I send it with a note? And what would the note say? Just something like "Hey, I found this record and thought you'd like it back. Hope you're well, from ____?" Or do I send it back without a note? Or do I not send it back at all? I'm kind of worried about Steve's reaction, but I'm more worried about his wife's reaction. I'm not sure how much she knows about me and I don't want her to see this package from me and have her think "WTH is this woman sending things to my husband?" I don't know if she's the jealous type, but I don't want her to feel threatened. Maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie.
So. What would you do if you were me?