Post # 1
I am 33 years old and I want to be married and have children. I am currently single (have been so for a year), I go on a ton of dates with attractive, successful men but don’t feel anything for any of them. Either they seem good on paper, but there is zero chemistry, or they have too much baggage from a divorce or a fair number of them seem to have some type of mental health issues that explain why they have never been able to maintain a long term relationship by their mid 30’s.
I have previously been in a series of serious long-term relationships since college. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be single at 33. Having been in such serious, long relationships I know what it means to be a part of someone else’s family and friendgroup, and how long it takes to establish the kind of serious relationship that I want – and the process seems daunting at this point – do I really want to invest the time (2-3 years) to get to know someone new, get to know their family and friends, etc.
My most recent ex and I broke up a year ago, we were living together and he cheated. We had been together for three years. I moved out and would not talk to him or see him for several months. About a month ago I agreed to see him. We’ve been talking and seeing each other a bit since then. I believe that he is sorry, but that it besides the point. He says he wants to marry me and start a family. I feel like doing this would be settling. I am still attracted to him, and I did miss him, and we have a lot of fun together.
I can’t ask my friends or family for advice because I don’t want them to know I have been seeing him. I told him that the only way I would be with him is if we get married – I am not moving back in with him, or even being in a relationship with him without being married. If I give him another chance I need to be married and hopefully pregnant by the end of the year. This is far from the romantic scenario I had envisioned for my life in my youth, but realistically it is the only way I can see myself avoiding ending up alone. I do not know when I blinked and became Bridget Jones!
Post # 2
soundofsettling: You should not ‘settle’. He cheated on you and now you want to get married right away without dating to get to know each other again, to give yourself a chance to decide whether he is right for you? He did cheat on you once already…
“This is far from the romantic scenario I had envisioned for my life in my youth, but realistically it is the only way I can see myself avoiding ending up alone.”<br />You are only 33. There is still plenty of time for you to meet the right guy.
Post # 3
soundofsettling: I don’t know if you are settling or not. I would be more inclined to say you were, but you know this guy. You’ve dated him before. Do you still love him? I know he cheated. I know cheating is hard. My SO cheated on my once a couple of years ago. It was heartbreaking, and I found out about it months later. However, he promised me that it was a mistake and told me that he wanted to be with me. I made the decision to forgive him, and together, we worked through it. I’ve never regretted not leaving him. Ever. If anything, that experience made our relationship stronger.
I think if you really love him and want to be with him, then you should go for it. However, if you are simply going back to him so that you can be married, then it is for entirely the wrong reason, and you may end up getting a divorce anyway.
Post # 4
soundofsettling: Do not ever Settle. I had my heart broken and 6 months later I found the man I am married with at the age of 34. Seven years later we are married almost 3 years now and have a wonderful 2.5 year old.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t marry your ex just to ensure that you have a marriage and or children. You left him for a reason. And though I am not saying that all those who cheat don’t deserve second chances, I’m just not getting that feeling that you truly want to be be with this man. It seems as if your fear of ending up alone is pushing you back to your ex, and it’s not fair to you nor him if he’s truly in that mindset of marrying you. If you give him a chance, why the sudden need to be married and have children? Wouldn’t you want to see if itd work out first? Have you even dealt with the cheating issue?
Post # 6
No!!! Please don’t give your cheating ex another chance because you think that you should be settling at your age. I agree that it’s tough and daunting to throw yourself into the dating process. I definitely felt jaded after all my relationships failed in the prime of my 20s (I’m 32 now). But the reasons you give for considering your ex are not worthy of the kind of partner and marriage that you deserve. I know multiple women who are older than you, like mid 30s, who are getting married now. I can’t speak for all of them as to whether they are settling, but one of my guy friends just bought a diamond to propose to his girlfriend. She is 35/36 and not settling! Maybe the problem is that you keep on dating the same type of man. If you go outside the box a little and give someone a chance who might not be as good on paper, you might get lucky. 😛
Post # 7
soundofsettling: Depends on a lot of things. By the way, you get married and pregnant ASAP doesn’t really make your relationshp more secure, it just feels that way. If you want things to move that fast, I really think you should talk to someone- a counselor, a religious leader, someone who can think critically and constructively to help you as a couple if you choose this route.
I feel like I need to know more about this guy to give you advice on what you should do. Honestly, I think you know what you want in your heart, and if you are confused, you have some layers to dig through to get there.
Bottom line: Could you ever trust him again? What would it take for that to happen? You need to answer those questions before you can make a decision.
Post # 8
soundofsettling: Nope, don’t do it.
First of all: you are 33. That is not that old!
Second of all: you can’t “give someone a chance” buy marrying them and getting pregnant. That is going all in on something that you are clearly unsure about and hoping the marriage & baby would fix the problem. You know that’s not going to work. That is clearly an emotional response to a situation you are upset about.
If you want to give him a second chance because you think that the two of you belong together, that’s one thing (still a lot of caution tape, but better than this scenario). But to give him a second chance b/c your bio clock is ticking? BAD call. Do not proceed.
Post # 9
If you had been willing/able to forgive and repair your relationship when you discovered the cheating, I think you would have done so at that time. You moved on, probably thinking you deserved better.
Well, you still do!
If you could honestly say that you’d still want to forgive him and work at repairing the relationship if you were 10 years, or even just five years younger, with no time pressure, then I’d consider. But 1. You are only considering this scenario because of your fear of not meeting anyone else, 2. You do not even want to do the work of addressing the issue of his cheating before making a decision about marriage.
To me, it sounds like fear and desperation talking, not wisdom. You deserve to make the most important decision of your life from a place of wisdom, not desperation. I’m not even talking about marriage, but the decision of bringing of children into the world.
They deserve parents who love one another, who trust one another, who respect one another, who truly want to be with one another.
Please do not rush, no matter how fearful you feel!
I met my man a few months shy of my 33rd birthday. We got married exactly two years later. During my single years unsuitable men would express interest because they were desperate to marry me. One continued to email me for years, up until he heard of my engagement. I’m glad I let go of the unsuitable ones and waited for the one who became my husband. It took time, it took letting go of the fear of being alone, and it took a conscious decision of embracing singledom for as long as it would last. Then I met him, a man of great character who I can trust 100%.
I wish you the same. Do not hesitate to PM me if you want to chat!
Post # 10
I think the title of your post says it all….
Post # 11
I agree with bellenola, don’t just get back with him to get married, do it because you love him and want to try again. We are all human, we all make mistakes. The only way to find out if he truly wants to make it work is to take the dive and give him another chance. I have no personal experience with my SO cheating and honestly not sure what I would do until in that situation. But my sister has. Her SO cheated on her with a coworker when their son was around 2 yrs old. She left him he he stayed with the coworker and ended up getting this other lady pregnant when he was about to break up with her (another story). Anyways, almost 6 years after my sister left him, she got back with him. She accepts the little girl (of course) and they are trying to make a life together. She never stopped loving him, had some other relationships during that time period, some long, some short, but she never stopped loving him and that’s why they have gotten back together. Follow your heart, don’t settle, you deserve more than that. If you love him, try again.
Post # 12
Don’t EVER settle.
I didn’t meet the right man until I was 45, almost 46, and he was well worth the wait.
As I often said to myself and to other single friends, the only thing worse than having to wait a really, really, really, really long time for the right relationship — is NOT waiting long ENOUGH.*
*Note: I meant that comment in the context of that comparison only. There is an infinite number of other things that are far worse than waiting a long time to meet the right person. I just wanted to make sure to clarify that.
Post # 13
soundofsettling: Has he done anything to deal with whatever caused him to cheat? Any introspection, counseling, etc? Since you still miss him/have some chemistry and that’s lacking with the others you’ve been dating, if he has made some efforts at correcting whatever seems to have driven the decision to cheat, then I might consider looking at re-entering the relationship. And, if it got serious, I’d have a good pre-nup prior to marriage. I’d have to have some very long and considered converations with him about the motivations and how he’s changed regarding the cheating first.
Post # 14
no no no! If you take him back without him even having to work for it it will set up a pattern for your entire marriage. At the very least he should have to agree to counselling or work in some other way to gain your trust back. It is absolutely the wrong motivation to take him back just because you feel you’re getting older.
Post # 15
soundofsettling: Do not settle. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship – with you and with any future children you may have. You deserve the best in a partner, and if you want children, they deserve the best in both parents.
He has shown you who he is. You can and will do better. I’m in my early fifties, and engaged to a wonderful man I can and do trust. This isn’t how I pictured my life, either, but I am forever grateful for what I have, and that I let go of men who proved themselves to be untrustworthy.