Should I stay and should she go?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

Forwhomthebelltolls:  I would personally worry with his constant hanging out with her that he will inevitably bring up an open marriage with you, because this chick clearly has no boundries and will probably convince him that you would be ok with it so they could hook up. 

It doesnt sound like shes your friend at all, it sounds like shes your husbands friend. I mean, do you even talk to her? Or only when she comes over to visit with your husband?

I might be jealous wifey here but I would have a serious conversation with your husband and say you dont like how she acts, you are uncomfortable with their relationship, and you dont want her in your lives anymore. I think you really need to stress that its feeling like a “her or me” situation, and you dont like feeling like that in your own house with your husband. 

Post # 3
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

It sounds like they’re having an emotional affair, maybe even an actual affair. Your husband wants her around for himself, not for you. Cut her out of your life now and set clear boundaries with your husband about not allowing her in the house anymore or chatting with her alone. You’re his wife, not this woman, and he needs to respect your feelings.

Post # 4
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Forwhomthebelltolls:  I don’t get how he can force you to remain friends with her. Stop calling her, stop letting her in, etc.

It seems like you are jealous of their relationship. Have you shown signs of jealousy before? That could account for why your husband told you he doesn’t talk to anyone at work (doesn’t make it ok for him to lie though).

If it bothers you, tell your husband that you don’t want her around your house. You don’t need her as a friend and him and her should keep their work relationship at work.

Post # 5
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think your DH is up to no good. Sorry. 

For sure, you don’t “need” her as a friend if her behaviour is causing issues in your marriage and certainly, it isn’t for your husband to tell you who you befriend. It occurs to me that he is the one who needs her to remain your friend and that’s for the simple reason that it enables her constant visits to your house and their constant contact outside work.

Boundaries definitely need to be set here.

Post # 6
Member
861 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

 

Forwhomthebelltolls:  Wow, there is a whole lot going on here. First I am just a little confused as to the drinking thing. Yes, it was rude of her to pour your husband a drink if you said you didn’t want to drink, but what was the significance? Is there more to it? How big were the things you forgave him for? Also what are your insecurities? Just trying to establish background so I can give a better answer.

 

This all sounds very weird and I will echo previous posters, if you don’t want her there and she is your friend, then why not ask her to leave? Have you told your husband you don’t need her and that you are trying to oust her from your life? That conversation needs to happen. It sounds like she is his friend and not yours. Did either or them show even the least little embarassment over their body language/intimate proximity??

I agree, they are having an emotional affair and very possibly a physical affair (if they aren’t already, it is headed there from the looks of it)

I don’t know if I am allowed to ask this but is your husband stressed at work? Over worked in general? Not that it would excuse cheating, just trying to assess the entire situation.

Why does he work 3 jobs and you don’t work at all? If he worked(1 job) and you technically could afford to stay home and you both agreed thats fine. However he works 3 jobs(that is a lot) and you do not work…I could see that breeding major, major resentment.

Stop confiding in her(clearly she is useless) and ask her what she is doing and does she not see it is inappropriate.

 

Major talk needed with husband, there are red flags all over the place

Post # 8
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Forwhomthebelltolls:  I highly recommend you drop this woman as your friend. She’s not acting like a friend and I predict will only cause further troubles in your marriage. That’s good your husband agreed to leave if/when she comes over. That’s a good boundary to have.

Post # 9
Member
861 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Ok, just checking  and I am so sorry to hear about your injury. I wouldn’t test the waters by playing games so to speak but I would make sure he knows you serious. Work talk does not involve flirt and being that close, if it is important to their job. Let him know you aren’t saying this because you are bored, you are really bothered by it.

Post # 10
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Forwhomthebelltolls:  I’m glad that you spoke with him and that he agreed that this woman is no good. However, I have a question, and please don’t take it the wrong way. Your husband is obviously drawn to this woman’s energy, whether it’s sexual or just liking to talk/be around her. This woman seems a pretty spontanous, flirty, and fun. From your posts (again, I can’t figure out how to write this witout sounding awful, so I apologize), you don’t really come off as those things.

You seem to have a lot of rules, expectations, and hardships. Yes, we are all dealt a certain hand in life and it sound like you’ve had your share of the bad. But ask yourself, when was the last time you did something fun or spontaneous with your husband? When have you given him flirty attention? When have you let loose and let go of some of your inhibitions for a bit? Maybe he’s drawn to that kind of energy because he doesn’t get it at home? 

God, I sound like an awful person, but I really am trying to help you. I’m sorry.

 

Edit: I just want to add that I’m not blaming you for your husband or this chick’s behavior. It is unacceptable. I just want to give you a little advice so maybe it doesn’t become a bigger issue in the future.

Post # 11
Member
861 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

ExcitedScaredBee:  I know what you’re saying. Yeah, it  sounds awful but often the advice we need the most, the things we need to consider, don’t sound great. You raised many valid points and questions. If you had a plant and you constantly forgot to water it, well maybe you didn’t want it to die but…

Post # 13
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Forwhomthebelltolls:  

This sounds like an emotional affair and possibly a physical one. Your friend and your husband are being very disrespectful. It worries me that your husband disregards anything that you say. 

You need to be far less passive and stand up for yourself. I used to be very meek until I noticed that people took advantage of that. Now I am a tough woman who doesn’t take shit from ANYONE. Some people have left my life since I made that change, but at least they know that they can’t disrespect me anymore. 

Post # 15
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Forwhomthebelltolls:  

I think you may want to keep bringing up the issue with your husband. Show him that you are not going to take full responsibility for the challenges in your marriage. He needs to be far more respectful.

I have a very bad feeling about the relationship your frenemy has with your husband. What do you think? Perhaps you can look further into this if you are concerned about how close they are.

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