Post # 1
I have a friend from high school that I have not been great about keeping in touch with over the years. I’ve been out of college for about 3 years now. However, we were very close in high school and several times over the last few years we have caught up with each other over the phone. We even hung out a few times. When it was time to create our wedding guest list we had to make cuts as to who got invited (of course). I like this friend enough that I sent her a save-the-date.
A few weeks later she sent me a card to congratulate me and tell me that she too was engaged! In the card she provided me with her new phone number and enthusiastically told me to call her as soon as I had a chance. I called that night we talked for an hour about how exciting it was to be planning our weddings at the same time. We made plans to get together soon. We talked several more times (about once every other week) in but for some reason or another, our plans always fell through.
I am beginning to realize that SHE is always the one with the reason for them to fall through. I’m busy too, planning my wedding, working full time, etc. But I can almost always squeeze in some time to hang out with a friend with a week or two’s notice. I certainly wouldn’t need to CANCEL for other plans.
So, now it’s four months later and we still have not gotten together. She received our wedding invitation around the middle of last month, and called me right away to tell me how beautiful it was. Since then, she has told me she wouldn’t miss our wedding for the world. She was included on my bridal shower guest list, but never responded to my MOH. When my MOH called her to see if she was coming, she replied, "Um, can I get back to you?" and never did. Today, she sent me the following email, word for word:
"Things are going so-so right now. So stressed out lol. I just got a stupid letter saying i have jury duty this month, yuck!! I’m gonna try to get my dr. to get me out of it. I haven’t rsvp’d yet because we may be going to myrtle beach for a long weekend but i will know by sat if it’s for sure. I would try to get out of it but his whole fam is going. I’m sorry!!!!!"
I’m starting to feel like it’s a waste of my time to maintain contact with her at all. Could this be symptomatic of Social Anxiety Disorder? If so, would cutting her out of my life alltogether make me a terrible person? What should I DO?
Post # 3
I know it can be really frustrating, but try to cut her a little slack and maybe lower your expectations for your friendship. I have friends that are super flakey and I used to get hurt when they would back out of something yet again. Eventually I accepted that that’s just the way that they are and quit stressing about it. It definitely improved our relationship!
As to your friend not coming to the wedding, it’s possible that things aren’t great with her future-in-laws and this weekend in Myrtle Beach is a real opportunity to smooth things over. Maybe finances are an issue and she just doesn’t want to admit it. I’ve had to back out of invites to go to dinner or drinks because it’s just not in my budget. Could a similar thing be going on with her?
Anyways, I’m one of those people that always tries to give others the benefit of the doubt, can you tell? It sucks, but I don’t think it’s worth ending your relationship over.
Post # 4
I agree with caitlanc.
4 years of college + 3 more years…. that’s 7 years since your high school friendship. I am a completely different person than I was in high school and I definitely have lost touch with old friends. My priorities are completely different.
What will cutting her out of your life do for you? I say take a deep breath and enjoy the other friends who will be around you on your day.
Post # 5
I think you have to accept that she is the kind of person she is showing herself to be: a bit of a flake. So you don’t have to cut her out of your life, but if you accept that she may not come through on plans to get together etc. then at least you won’t be disappointed when she bails unexpectedly. I understand you are mad, but there’s nothing you can do to change her. If you would prefer your life better without her in it, then I think it would be easy to let this friendship atrophy naturally. Or else you can just accept that she is not going to be the same close friend that you had in high school and take her friendship for what it is. IMO that’s better than nothing, even if it is a disappointment that it’s not what you wanted.
Post # 6
yah i don’t see what is the point to cut her out of your life? seems kind of dramatic. you will have friends who won’t come to the wedding, will you be cutting them out of your life as well? I think that the rational thing to do is not be putting so much effort into this friendship since you are not happy with the effort she has put forth. I can see limiting your relationship with her but I don’t know why there is a need to cut her out?
Post # 7
I wouldn’t "cut her out of your life" but I wouldn’t rely on her for anything either. If you want to email her, or invite her to things then you should, but try not to let it bug you when she doesn’t respond. Let her make an effort and if she doesn’t, do you really want to work at maintaining a friendship with her? Friendships change over the years and maybe this is one that is just meant to be a ‘say hi when you run into each other at the grocery store’ type thing.
Post # 8
She hasn’t "been there" for many years and I’d remember that it probably took time to become friends in the first place and it may take time to rekindle that friendship too.
Weddings are busy times. Especially for all of us. I have several I’m invited too, but honestly I’d love to be able to use my weekends to go visit family (they’re all out of town), or go on mini-vacays with T and my son. We’ve also gone thru a stressful situation (which affected my son b/c of his father, my x) and we just need some time away.
I wouldn’t eliminate her from your list of friends because she’s also a busy bride. I’d possibly wait until after BOTH weddings and then maybe ask her over (and her H too) for dinner!
Post # 9
I echo what all the other bees said. While you two were very close in high school, 7 years definetly changes things.
Plus, like other bees said, there could be reasons that she may not feel comfortable telling you (i.e. money, family stress etc) since you guys have drifted apart.
I understand being disappointed that she can’t make it. But I don’t know if I’d end a friendship over it. Good luck with everything!
Post # 10
I am kinda in the same spot…meaning I have a freind who I was SO close to…lost touch with…and have now started talking again. But it has been a slow process. I am understanding that it came take some time. I am finding this wedding stuff really confusing. I may love someone like a friend who I expect to be there, but I also have to understand that I can’t really expect that if we havn’t been BFF for a while.
I wouldn’t take it as a personal insult to you. I know that I can get so caught up in daily life and my freind and I have been meaning to get together for months. I don’t know why we get so busy…but sometimes life can just get in the way. As we get older, I am finding that people start to marry and have thier own lives and we no longer has the time that we used to years ago. It used to seem like a crummy excuse to be too busy for a freind…..but now it really seems like the truth. And relationships just seem to get more complicated
I don’t know anything about your relationship with her…but from what I am going through as a bride-to-be, with a newly re-kindled freindship…I would cut her a break. Sometimes people grow distant and even though you come back together again.. it can take time. I really would just lower your expectations and treat this more like a "new" freindship. A new friend, you wouldn’t be hurt if they didn’t come to the shower. I know she is an "old" freind…but sometimes things get complicated and change. Just keep the freindship door open to her and see what happens
Post # 11
I have many friends that are on the same friendship level as you’re describing. We live in the same city, but we’re both so busy that someone (often me) has to back out of plans and we’ll go months without seeing each other. Honestly, there are only a handful of people that I would be mad at for missing the wedding. But I guess that my expectations are a lot different, considering that we planned the wedding for the July 4 weekend expecting that some people might have family obligations.
I’m with the others on this, don’t cut her out of your life. Do, however, lower the expecations for your friendship. You ARE both different people now and with your busy lives, it is hard to maintain that type of drop-everything-for-the-other-person friendship.
Post # 12
Don’t worry about it. If she wants to be your friend one day, you can re-evaluate your relationship then.
Regarding the wedding, it’s not like your MOH can’t come, so don’t worry about it. Will she really be missed on your wedding day?
Post # 13
Thanks for all of the advice. I think the group consensus is probably right, I was being harsh when I considered completely cutting her out of my life. It’s just a frustrating situation.
Of course, we would love it if everyone we invited could come to our wedding, but we know that can’t possibly happen. So, I guess I’m not just frustrated about her not coming to our wedding, it’s sort of the icing on the cake. She always suggests making plans, I rearrange my schedule, and she cancels at the last minute.
I’m going to send her an email telling her we would love to see her at the wedding if she can make it, but if not I’ll understand that, too. And from there, I guess whatever happens, happens.
Post # 14
that sounds like the right way to go! 🙂
Post # 15
I don’t think that you need to do anything here since your relationship with her can just naturally drift into a Facebook friendship in which you write nice comments on each other’s pictures, and wish each other a happy birthday. You certainly don’t have to initiate plans or call her for awhile until you are less upset. See if she reaches out to you, and what happens. Given the pattern of her flakiness, you should only agree to meet her at times that are convenient for you so that you won’t be so inconvenienced if she disappears. If this is aggravating you more than the friendship is worth, just neglect to return her phone calls so that you can ease your way out of each other’s lives.
Post # 16
I also agree with what everyone else has said so far! This is very similar to what happened to me. My long-lost best friend from HS & I reconnected couple years ago, caught up and kept in touch occasionally (we are 7 hours apart); so when I became engaged and asked for her mailing address, her EXACT words were also, " I wouldn’t miss it for the world!" Well, we sent out the invites and the reply-by date came and went with NO word from her. At that point FH and I were so busy with OTHER wedding stuff that we didn’t even call people to follow up yes-or-no, just planned for the ones that responded. 2 days before the wedding she emails me that she has some class for her teaching credential that Saturday and can’t come. I guess she couldnt even call or have given me the heads up earlier in the game? (Although at this point we’d long since confirmed with the caterer and weren’t planning on her anyway) I didnt email back. She emails me after the wedding, a really effusive and over-the-top "sweet" email full of smileys and exclamations asking all about the wedding, can I send her pics, etc, like we are best friends or something. I have just been replying with short polite emails. Its really hard for me to be hot-and-cold like that I guess. If I like someone enough to send them smiley emails, then I also like them enough to respond to their invites in a timely manner I suppose? I am not going to "cut her out" either, but I am also not going to waste any more effort on someone who is inconsistent. Any effort into this friendship will need to come from her from now on, and if we drift apart, so be it. There are plenty of other wonderful people in my life.